The Way It Never Was (Introduction) | |
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The following story is fictional and is provided solely for the enjoyment of its readers. While there are references to actual businesses and locations, the characters in the story are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to a real person either living or dead is completely coincidental. This fictional account does contain adult language and themes. If such language and themes offend you, please read no further. This story is copyrighted by AZ-MAN, 2002 all rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce it in any form and for any purpose as long as this notice is reproduced and no financial remuneration is received, directly or indirectly, by the person reproducing it. The Way It Never Was Some Opening Words- Ever since I discovered the Internet and the vast storehouse of information that awaits behind a simple double click of the Netscape or Explorer icon on my computer desktop, I have been in pursuit of truths and understanding about us. I've visited hundreds, maybe even a thousand web sites hoping for some confirmation that there's someone out there like me, that sees things I see, that understands what it's like to live with what I feel and has experienced life's joys and disappointments along the way. While it didn't take visits to many web sites to confirm there's an entire subculture in cyberspace dedicated to exploiting the simple sexual issues, it wasn't as easy to find mainstream commentary written by qualified professionals (psychiatrists, psychologists) on the subject. There was a point, right after my divorce, that I craved information on this level and there was only so much the forums, the .jpgs and the video clips could do. At one point, I actually sought professional help and went to perhaps 10 or 15 sessions with a counselor but it was mainly to deal with the more general issues surrounding divorce - not specifics on my blessing / curse. I just couldn't bring myself to ask that first crucial question. What I've come to recognize is we are all part of this unique fraternity, each of us acknowledging our feelings through the stories we put up on this web page. And since I've yet to verbally speak to anyone about my own experiences, I've decided to contribute by writing my own story. Its intention is simple - to provide information and reinforce that we all have this common bond - that we all went through puberty like everyone else, dated girls like everyone else, awkwardly slow danced at that first eighth grade mixer, had a few short-lived girlfriends in high school, so on and so forth, right? Everything brimming with the wonder and excitement of being a teenager, yet enormously confusing at the same time. Somewhere along the way, somewhere between Boy Scouts or Little League (take your pick) and tenth grade homecoming, something happened. Something inside told our adolescent bodies to start paying more attention to females - more clearly, to start lusting after them. That was the easy part. You don't get to join our fraternity for that. For some of us (and I'm talking to the "us" that found our way to these pages) we got a little more than we bargained for-and we didn't even ask for it. How could we have? How does one ask to have his male sexuality inexplicably linked not just to women, but to women that happen to smoke long white cigarettes? Women that inhale their smoke slowly and sensually and exhale in smooth wonderful streams-motions with their lips and bodies so closely intertwined that, to us, their smoking irrevocably links them to their own basic femininity. We each took keen delight in the marvelous sensations and joys brought on by the discovery of female smoking but the irony was, we thought we were the only ones in the entire universe wired this way. And when we took time to contemplate this fact, it scared us to death. Now here I sit, 40 years old, secure in the knowledge that there are thousands (probably not millions but at least thousands) out there like me. It really IS a fraternity after all. From around age 14, and for the next 20+ years, I had no knowledge - not even a clue - that I wasn't the only one dealing with this joyful affliction. But the purpose of my story is not to trample you with the boring details of my life from age 14 forward. It's really to select a few episodes based on personal experience that weave together a theme, a theme that may be the common bond representing what many of us are still grappling with today. Before I continue, let me add one final thought. I think it would be safe to speculate that for many of us, our fetish (yes, I'll call it a fetish from this point on), that our fetish was born of some unconscious observations of female smoking before reaching puberty. Perhaps our mothers smoked, as mine did. And even though we all loved our mothers, at some point, we successfully resolved our burdensome Oedipus complex. When I did, my pre-pubescent love (crush) transferred to other women in my life at that time. Examples that come to mind are my sixth grade teacher, my Cub Scout Den Mother and my own mother's friends - many of whom smoked. Keep in mind, it was the late sixties / early seventies and even though the Surgeon General had already declared that "smoking was hazardous to your health" many women were still lighting up with regularity. In fact, American women in the 18 - 30 age group represented the fastest growing segment of smokers in that time period (1973). And for a 13-year-old with this budding fetish, it suited me just fine. As I said, I have a few episodes from my life that I want to share but before I go there, allow me a quick lead-in with one of several `Poloroid' snapshots from my youth. Snapshots captured and etched permanently on my brain that defined the way I looked at women and confirmed my inexplicable attraction to the ones that smoked. |
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