Adult Education, Part 1 | |
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Article 1538 of alt.smokers.glamour: Path: cocoa.brown.edu!cam-news-feed1.bbnplanet.com! cam-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com! news.bbnplanet.com!worldnet.att.net!news.alt.net!newspost1.alt.net! usenet! From: an4@anon.lelnet.com Newsgroups: alt.smokers.glamour Subject: Adult Education, part 1 of 2 Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 14:21:32 -0500 (EST) Organization: Alt.smokers.glamour society Lines: 268 Approved: asg-sub@lelnet.com Message-ID: <5hbv37$922@tofu.alt.net> Helena walked out of the school and for the first time in two hours, she felt a genuine smile creep over her face. She had a whole period to herself, and she wasn't planning on spending it in a stuffy teacher's lounge. Not on a day like this one, with the sun singing in a spring sky. That was no way to live. The birds were out in full force, chattering in their alien language about bird things. A gentle breeze was tickling the early leaves and the buds, carrying the scent of new life to her bench. From 11 to 11:50 am, Monday through Friday, this was her bench. Looking at the backpack between her feet, Helena had to admit that in some ways she'd never gotten very far from this place. Bensonville Public High School. She'd carried this same Eastbay pack around as a student through the familiar halls. Even the contents hadn't changed much. She pulled her glasses from the front pouch along with her cigarettes and her lighter, then extracted Thackeray's Vanity Fair from the depths of the pack. The only difference between now and then was that she'd never once in three years as a teacher felt a need to hide her smoking- from anybody. After putting the glasses on she pulled a single cigarette from the pack of Benson and Hedges and lit it casually, savouring the rich flavour of the smoke. She'd no sooner pulled that smoke into her lungs when someone she didn't recognise walked up to her and said "How can you do that here ?" At first Helena had a wild idea that this woman had somehow mistaken her for a student. With the wire-frame glasses and her hair pulled back into a pony tail she probably looked a little younger than 26, but she quickly dismissed the idea as all too-self flattering. The other woman was striking, a tall blonde with a sharp face that was either still young or a byproduct of excellent surgical technique. She couldn't be more than about thirty. She was lean without being unnecessarily thin, the sort of woman who probably worked out an hour a day- and spent her spare time harassing smokers. She just had that anti-look. But there was something wrong about it Helena couldn't place. "It's been a very long time since Thackeray's work was considered objectionable." The other woman did not smile at the joke. "I mean, how can you sit there in public and smoke-" Sometimes, playing with antis could be fun. But not now. All Helena wanted was to relax. "And you are ?" Helena asked, just before taking a long, thoroughly enjoyable pull on her cigarette. The inhale was quick and forceful, the exhale carefully rendered to take advantage of the way the breeze would carry the smoke into the face of her persecutor. "Marcia West." The anger in the woman' voice was so thick that Helena decided to try politeness. She placed the novel down on the bench and stood up as she brought the cigarette to her lips. She turned her head carefully to the right and exhaled so that this time the thick milky smoke would float to one side of Marcia's angry face. "I'm-" she started to say, extending her free hand, but Marcia cut her off. "I know who you are. Helena Duncan. You teach my twins' honours english class." Helena was puzzled. There was only one pair of twins in the junior class. Cassandra and Giselle MacDermott. "Are you Cass and Gissy's mother ?" she asked. "Yes. I divorced last year and went back to my family name." The way Marcia said this made it clear she had a chip on her shoulder about something, perhaps the divorce. Her mouth, which might otherwise have been extremely pleasant, was twisted into such a pucker of distaste that Helena was already looking for some way to end this little confrontation. "And I don't call my children by those names." Polite conversation didn't seem to be the solution. "Is there something specific I can do for you, Ms. West, or did you just come over here to annoy me ?" Even as she asked the question Helena had the most disturbing image of Principal Kanner asker her if she'd really said that to a parent. West- the name was familiar- Of course. Marcia West. President of the PTA. That Marcia West. "I came over to ask you what you think you're doing, sitting out here in public smoking a cigarette." "Well, I have fifty minutes between classes and in case you hadn't guessed, I'm over eighteen. Add that to the fact that even the students are allowed to smoke outside the building-" She extended her hand to point out about a dozen students walking around the entrance, all of them smoking- more happily than her, at the moment. "They aren't role models the way that you are." All Helena could do was laugh. Marcia said it with such a serious face. "Role model ?" "Yes. The way Giselle talks about you, you'd think you were the next coming of Margaret Atwater." "Well, I don't smoke in class, Ms. West. I hope that's a relief." Thunderclouds formed on Marcia's forehead. "That isn't the point. Couldn't you- I don't know- go off school grounds to smoke ? Or stay in the teacher's lounge." Helena's frustration with this anal woman was reaching the breaking point. "No. It's a beautiful day and I don't need to waste time-" The cigarette had burned down to the filter, so Helena stubbed it out against the heel of her sneaker. "You shouldn't be smoking where the students can see you, is all I'm saying." Suddenly the anger fled from the woman's face, replaced by- it was almost a look of sadness. It was instantaneous and unexpected "Can we start over ?" Marcia asked. "I'm sorry. I was out of line. Let's sit down and try again." The transformation was amasing. From fury to a sort of forlorn angst in the space of a facial gesture. There was even some guilt on her face. Nodding, Helena moved back to the bench and sat down. Her hand strayed automatically to the pack of B&Hs by her thigh. Marcia noticed and shocked the young teacher by saying "Please, go ahead. I know exactly what it's like." "What do you mean ?" Helena asked, hesitating with another cigarette half out of the pack. "I mean, I used to smoke those same cigarettes. Please. I was just being rude and short before. Go ahead. You're absolutely right- there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to smoke out here. I'm not sure that I can explain-" After she lit the cigarette and took a long, pleasing drag on it, Helena asked Marcia to try anyway. "I- I smoked from the time I was fourteen. I got started early on a lot of things. I was married when I was 17- and I had the twins when I was eighteen." Helena smiled. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I thought you were a little young to have a pair of sixteen year olds." "I'll take that as a compliment. I quit while I was pregnant, and it was the worst nine months of my life. I swore I would never go through that again." The young teacher began feeling a little bit uncomfortable. What had started as an annoying but understandable encounter with a parent was quickly turning downright weird. Helena wasn't really prepared to sit on a bench between classes and listen to the president of the PTA bare her soul. Tilting her head back she exhaled another thick cloud of creamy smoke and asked what happened. "Well, you know the old story. Mike and I were good Catholic kids- after a fashion. There was never any question that we'd have to get married, but he was never really- I don't think people that age are ever really ready to be married. My parents basically raised the girls until I finished my law degree. I came back here and started a real estate law office- Mike's father owns Hamlin-MacDermott Real Estate, so there was plenty of work from day one. But Mike's an artist-" "A free spirit ?" Helena asked, tapping ash from her cigarette. She saw the way Marcia's eyes followed the cigarette to her mouth, saw hunger in those green pools as she inhaled deeply. She was really a striking woman, and the sadness which she carried only added to that. "Yes. He was always off in Boston or New York at some exhibit. I- well, I tried very hard not to be jealous, tried hard, but his heart was never really in- well, that's not important now." "Tell me why you quit," Helena said, feeling herself slip into the old familiar role of teacher-psychologist. "The girls were twelve at the time. I came home early one afternoon- I work out of the house but you know, it's just appointments all day. I was coming back from a closing and they were in their bedroom with the music up loud and they didn't hear me come in. I walked down the hall and they were laughing. I remember thinking how happy they sounded- they're great kids, really. I looked in the door- it was about half-closed, like they were maybe doing something a little bit risky-" Marcia laughed. It was a self-depreciating, embarrassed sound. "They were at that age where you can still pretend, you know. They were acting out having a meeting, just like their Mom. They have these big desks that sit facing each other in their room and they had spread some of my old paperwork out- contracts and notes scribbled on legal pads. They were so cute- uninhibited." "And ?" "They'd slipped two cigarette out of pack. I'd wondered about it. Like any decent lawyer, I thrive on detail, and I'd thought I was a couple short when I left the house, but I had forgotten about it- until I saw them, that is. They'd taken two ashtrays from the living room and they were sitting there, pretending to smoke those cigarettes. I'm sure they weren't planning on actually lighting them. They were just mimicking me. It was odd to watch. These two mirror images, holding their cigarettes exactly the way I do- I did. They'd take long inhales and pretend to blow smoke at each other." "I'd imagine you gave them quite an earful." Marcia shook her head. "No. That's the funniest thing. I wasn't mad at all. That's the really embarrassing part. I saw them and the only thing I could think was about how cute they looked. I let them go on for a moment or two and then I went back to the front door and pretended I'd locked myself out. I rang the bell and made a big show about not being able to find my house key." "You never said anything ?" Helena asked, surprised. "No. In fact, all that night all I could think about was that it would be nice when they got to an age where they could really smoke. I'd always imagined that sooner or later they'd want to start and I had planned on being very supportive about it. I wanted to share it with them when they were old enough-" Helena finished the cigarette, picked up a soda can one of the students had left under the bench, and dropped it inside. "Please, have another." Helena strongly suspected Marcia was getting some vicarious pleasure from her smoking. That was fine with her. But an idea was forming- a way to help this woman who seemed so morose. She lit the cigarette casually and inhaled slowly and sensuously, happy to put on a lit bit of a show for Marcia. She exhaled slowly through her nose, letting the smoke drift lazily between them, and Marcia inhaled the drifting cloud as she'd expected, the enjoyment clear on her face. "I went to bed that night, and, well, you're going to think this is strange-" "You dreamt all night about the three of you smoking together-" The look on Marcia's face confirmed this. "I did a minor in psychology. Mostly because I knew it would help me get into graduate school." "Well, you're exactly right. I woke up in the morning and- usually your dreams fade when you wake up, but these were crystal clear. I got into the shower and it was all I could think about. It was so pleasant. But by the time I got to the breakfast table I had started to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. What kind of parent was I to-" "They were also pretending they were lawyers. That's not such a bad thing-" "You're a little behind the curve with your opinion about lawyers, Helena." They both laughed at this and Helena admitted a little amasement to herself. The period was half over and suddenly she was regretting that they wouldn't have more time together. Marcia was now watching her smoke with open longing and Helena obliged, her inhale deep, her exhale slow and languorous, what she referred to jokingly as a bar exhale. "The point is that I started to wonder what was wrong with me that I wanted- really wanted- my girls to start smoking. They've both always been very athletic-" "They play field hockey and softball, right ?" "Yes. It took me about a week to quit. When they asked me why I told them that I was just tired of it. They never really questioned that. It hasn't come up in years now." "You still want to smoke, don't you ?" Marcia considered this. Considered lying, if Helena guessed right. In fact, she expected Marcia would lie. But she didn't. "Of course. Sometimes when I'm standing in the line at the grocery store by the cigarette display I envision myself reaching out and taking a pack of Benson and Hedges and dropping it on the belt. Most of my friends still smoke. I was even- this will sound stupid, but I was watching Primal Fear on HBO the other night and Laura Linney smokes all through the movie- I was-" "Why don't you, then ?" "It comes back to responsibility. You know, as a parent, as the head of the PTA. When I made that crack about being a role model, that's something I take seriously." "So do I," Helena said, feeling a little edgy. "I take my responsibilities as a teacher very seriously. But I'm also a person. Smoking can be a wonderful thing, if you do it for the right reason. And there's no guarantee that just because you don't smoke that Cassandra and Giselle won't start anyway." "I know. But I don't want to be the reason." "They're two smart girls. And they're old enough to start making some decisions for themselves. If I were you, I'd go back to those dreams you had and ask yourself if they are really such a bad thing. If you can go on denying yourself indefinitely." "Are you going to finish by offering me a cigarette ?" Helena laughed. "Only if you want me to-" "Of course not." The two women look at each other for a moment. Helena drew in one last long inhale from the cigarette, dropped it into the soda can and heard it hiss out. As she exhaled she picked up the half-empty pack and smiled. "It's been four years, after all." "Are you sure ?" There was something almost sexual about the tension between them. It had been a long time since Helena had felt anything forbidden about smoking but this brought back memories of a time soon after she'd started when she'd talked her friend Seth into trying his first cigarette. It was a nice feeling, all things considered. "No." Helena lit another cigarette, pulling on it until her cheeks sunk around her teeth. She then held it out to Marcia, who took it in between her fingers with ease. For a moment she just stared at it longingly, sure she would hand it back. Then she brought the cigarette slowly towards her mouth, holding it with her wrist cocked the way Mike had always said he loved to watch. She held it an inch away from her waiting lips, envisioning what she would look like, wondering if the President of the PTA could really sit on a bench in front of the school and smoke a cigarette without shame. She thought about how harsh the smoke would be, how cloying the taste of tobacco would be in her mouth, how her lings would scream in protest at the invasion of smoke. Helena could only think that the cigarette completed this woman somehow. Now she understand what had bothered her about this from the start. Marcia had the look of a smoker. She still carried that air with her, which was why her initial indignation had seemed so terribly displaced. It was funny that she'd mentioned Laura Linney. She bore a striking resemblance. Then it was over. Marcia finished the motion, planting the long white cigarette between hungry, waiting lips. Her inhale was practised, perfect, and deep. She coughed slightly, but that was to be expected. Before she could regret the decision Helena lit another cigarette, glancing casually at her watch. She had eight minutes. Time enough to offer some friendly advice. What neither woman saw was the twins, watching this exchange from Mr. Krackov's room. They shared knowing smiles and went back to listening Krackov drone on about the physics of mass on an incline. |
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