Alvin and the Smoking Chipmunks, Part 3

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Alvin and the Smoking Chipmunks-by Jason Thirus
Part 3
   It's 7am the next day, and the Chipmunks are wide-awake.  Each boy looks at 
the empty Marlboro Light packs, and they throw them away.
   Alvin admits, "You know something, boys?  I need a cigarette!"  Simon and 
Theodore both agree.  Someone knocks on their bedroom door.
   "Good morning, boys.  It's Dave.  I got back from my trip in the middle of 
the night."  Dave is a 40-year old Caucasian.  "I've got a surprise for all 
of you."
   Theodore asks, "OOOH!  Is it breakfast in bed?"
   Dave opens the door.  "No, Theodore.  But you can use them at breakfast."  
The Chipmunks see a carton of Marlboro Reds 25's.
   The boys shout in happiness.  "WE NEED CIGARETTES NOW!"  Each one, 
including Dave, grabs and opens a pack from the carton.  Dave lights up his 
cigarette, and lights up the cigarettes in the mouths of all three boys.  
The boys take 10-second drags and inhale with smiles.
   "THANK YOU, DAVE!"  The boys shout while exhaling at the same time.  The 
boys start singing and smoking at once.
   Wake up and smell the smoke
(drag)
   Watch the cigarette glow like the sun
(drag)
   Rub the smoke and sweet nicotine into the lungs
   (drag)
   The best way to kill the nicotine fits!

   "Why are they called Marlboro 25's, Dave?" Simon asks Dave.
   "There are 25 cigarettes in the pack instead of 20.  So that's why they're 
called a 25's pack."
   Alvin puts his finger into Dave's face.  "Wait a minute, Dave.  When did 
YOU start smoking?"
   "I've been smoking since sixth grade when my former girlfriend Lucy started 
me on Camels.  The only reason why you boys have never seen me smoke is 
because I spray cologne and chew gum in order to cover up the smoke on me.  
Besides, I smoke in my room, with the door locked.  I talked to Brittany on 
the phone this morning.  So she and the Chipettes forced you boys to start 
smoking."
   "Are you mad, Dave?" Theodore asks while shivering.  "Are you going to eat 
us for dinner?"
   "Stop being crazy, Theodore!  I love the fact my boys are learning to 
smoke!"  Dave puts his Red butt out on his tongue, and swallows it.  "I want 
you boys to do the same thing."
   After the Chipmunks swallow the butts, they lick their lips as if they 
finished eating an actual meal.
   Dave smiles.  "Now wasn't that a good appetizer?"
   "Actually, it tasted like coffee," Theodore said.
   "Grab your smokes and lighters, boys!  I'm going to show you how to smoke 
and eat!"  Everyone goes downstairs to the kitchen.  Dave shows the boys how 
to put a spoonful of Froot Loops cereal into the mouth, take a drag, and 
inhale while chewing and swallowing.  He also shows them how to take a drag, 
inhale, and swallow a sip of milk at the same time with each inhale.
   After the meal, Theodore rubs his tummy filled with smoke, nicotine and 
food.  "I'm still hungry!  Hungry for smokes, that is!"
   Dave comes up with a plan to help his boys become fully addicted smokers.  
"Let's have a chainsmoking contest in the front!  The chipmunk that smokes 
the most cigarettes in an hour won't have to do chores for a year!  That 
will be the prize!  I can't offer thousands of dollars."
   The boys lick their lips as if they see a hot, naked girl.  "No chores for 
a year?" Alvin asks.  "Do you have any extra cartons, Dave?"
   "Yup.  Newports, Winstons, Camels, Marlboros, Kools, even Virginia Slims.  
I smoke the Virginia Slims when I masturbate."
   "Well, what are we waiting for?  Let's have the chainsmoking contest now!"  
The boys dash into the front while Dave quickly grabs a carton of Camels, 
Newports, and Virginia Slims.

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