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Family Ties an4@anon.lelnet.com Dear Diary (1 Jan 98), Well, we hardly know each other, yet I find myself telling you my resolutions for the new year. - Lose ten pounds. - Tell Marcus that I'd like to go out with him. You know Marcus almost as well as I do now, so you can understand that one. - Start smoking. You probably think this is weird. Most people resolve to stop smoking. Maybe next year that will be on the list. But when I watch Mom- she's smoking right now, I know I have to at least try it. I wish that Lisa had stayed home for Winter break longer- she would have helped me with this one. I don't know how Mom is going to take this. It's been hard deciding, but I have to tell her, and since this is the only one of my resolutions I can start today, I want to tell her in- well, in a few minutes- "Honey, what are you doing ?" It seemed like a silly question to Mariella. She was obviously writing in the diary Mom had given her for Christmas. It had seemed like a strange gift at first- her Powerbook was better suited for this sort of thing but she had grown attached to it quite rapidly, and now it seemed really cool, even if it was just a collection of paper, thread, and glue. "Writing my New Year's resolutions, Mom." "Can I see ?" Mariella thought about that. It sure would be the easiest way to tell her mom what she was planning, and yet- No, she wanted to speak those words. "Mom, have you ever regretted that you smoke ?" As Mariella asked the question, she wondered why should would of. At thirty- eight, she didn't have the look a smoker was supposed to have. No wrinkled skin, no morning cough. She smoked a pack of Parliament Lights 100s every day and still ran five miles in the morning, lifted weights at lunch, and did three or four road races a month. She was a killer on the racquetball court. And she was beautiful. Long blonde hair, luxurious even if she had that Jennifer Anniston straight cut. Sparkling grey eyes. A round pert face and very stand-up breasts. Hips that Mariella would have killed for. Beth straightened her robe, inhaled deeply, thinking. Not about the answer to the question. There had never been so much as a single moment of regret about her decision to smoke. But other things. "I used to regret choosing Yale over Harvard. I still regret telling David Duchovny that I didn't want to date him because I thought he was a bookworm. If I had known- and I still occasionally regret marrying your father- don't look at me that way- he's a gem where you're concerned, but- no, I don't regret smoking. Do you think one of my resolutions should be to quit ?" "No," Mariella said quickly, almost urgently. "I regret buying that two thousand dollar pentium paperweight to replace my LC III, but no, I've never once wished I didn't start smoking. Now tell me what your resolutions are-" Mom had that way about her. Once she had an idea in her head, there was no deflecting it. "I want to lose ten pounds, tell Marcus that I want to go out with him, and-" She hesitated. Mom drew deeply on her cigarette, obviously enjoying the way the smoke expanded into her lungs. It was fun just watching her smoke, and Lisa was the same way. When they got together- things hadn't gone well for a while after the divorce, but then Lisa started smoking and there was suddenly this bond between them. "-I want to start smoking." Mom's exhale rushed from her mouth and the strangest look came over her face. "That's an unusual resolution, young lady." Mariella cringed. ‘Young lady' was rarely a good sign. It usually presaged a lecture of some sort. Well, at least the hardest part of all this was over. Now Mom could give her the one thousand reasons why what was good for her wasn't good for her daughter. "I know, Mom." "Do you understand what you're asking me as well as what you're asking yourself ?" "I think so-" Beth looked at the half-smoked cigarette in her hand. The thought of taking another pull on it was so settling, so calming to her. Was there any part of her which would deny her daughter the same pleasure ? Of course. Of course not. "Well, I guess I should ask if you've tried it." "No. I've wanted to, but none of my friends smoke-" "That's not true. Your cousin Janice smokes- don't look at me like you didn't know. I think Aunt Diana knows too, but she won't say. There's going to be trouble when she can't deny it any longer, too." "Well, yeah, I knew, but she's very careful about it." Beth managed a wry laugh. "There's no such thing as careful enough when a parent like Diana is involved." "You sound like you don't approve-" Tapping ash off the cigarette, Beth inhaled again, enjoying it for what it was. A simple, guiltless pleasure. "Well, Diana was always the pigheaded one of the family. And considering that both she and Uncle Harry smoke, it's a little silly that they don't want Janice to. It makes me feel sorry for her." "How do you know that she smokes, Mom ?" "Remember last week when I took her to have her hair done at my stylist's ? The first thing she did when she got in the car was asked me if I minded if she smoked." It hadn't happened exactly that way, but that was close enough. "That's why I decided to take her for lunch afterwards." "Lunch and shopping. You two were gone all day." "Well, she can't smoke at home, and with school out, there's been almost no chance for her to smoke at all. I felt sorry for her. She really enjoys it and Diana's just being an ass about it all. Uncle Harry would just as soon she did smoke, instead of finding all sorts of lame excuses to get out of the house." "You were never that way with Lisa." "Lisa was very honest about it. Just like you. But have you really never tried it ?" "What makes that so hard to believe ?" "You're fifteen, almost sixteen. When I was your age I'd been openly smoking for a year and an half." "I never had to do that. Lisa would have let me have one if I wanted. She offered me one just the other day." "Why didn't you take her up on it ?" "She smokes those Marlboro 100s. They're so strong." "I know. I was out with her last weekend and ran out of my own. I tried one of hers and it made me dizzy. But she likes that full-flavour and it's what her boyfriend smokes, so-" "I can't believe that were having this calm discussion about smoking." "Honey, when your mother smokes, you have to expect as a child-" "A teenager, Mom." "As a teenager, that her opinions about your smoking are going to be a little bit different. I may have voted for Bill Clinton, but that doesn't mean that I share his opinions about my ch- my teenager smoking. You know that Lisa and I started getting along better once her smoking was out in the open." "You and I never had the problems she had with you about-" "I know. But I would never trade that bond we've formed for anything. And I'm glad it formed around smoking, because of all the pleasures which I allow myself, smoking is the one I could never regret." "Are you saying your chocolate ice cream habit-" "Gives me pause. Yes. Every spoonful. Now, would you like to try one of my cigarettes ?" Mariella thought about this. She'd had her heart set on Janice's brand, the Marlboro Lights 100s, but then again, was there really a difference ? Janice seemed to think so. She said that she didn't like her mother's Salems Lights 100s, but that was because of the menthol. "My feelings won't be hurt if you'd like something different, honey. Just tell me what you want. We have to leave for Diana's in a few minutes anyway. I'll stop and you can get whatever you want." "Well, I was thinking that I'd try the cigarettes that Janice smokes." "That's perfect. Maybe you and I can kill two birds with one stone." "What do you mean ?" "Well, Janice asked me if I'd be willing to talk to Diana about her smoking. She seems to think it would be better coming from me, and she may have a point. Diana is the one who got me started way back when. I can't think of a better way to get the ball rolling then to have you walk into the house smoking a cigarette." "Aunt D will have a bird, Mom." "Aunt D is not your mother. If you want to smoke at her house, you're going to smoke at her house and that's all there is to it. Get dressed and let's go." She walked into the Stop ‘n Shop and went straight into a checkout line. Mariella took two packs of cigarettes and a five pack of lighters from the cigarette rack and put them down on the belt, noticing the ‘Not 18 ? No Tobacco !' sign on the ATM card stand. The girl behind the counter scanned the cigarettes and the lighters. Looking down, Mariella could see a pack of Virginia Slims 120s in the girl's smock pouch. She was also wearing a small black button with the pink triangle in the centre. She looked at Mariella and smiled. "Seven oh seven." Mariella passed her Mom's ten and that was that. She reached it to plastic bag, pulled out one of the packs, and tore away the cellophane. This was it. Her first pack of cigarettes. It had a very cool feel to it, very taunt, the lines of the cardboard straight, inviting. She cracked open the top, noticing how stiff it was. The foil was smooth and perfect, until she opened it, folding it away to expose twenty cigarettes, the filters pure white. As she walked through the outside door, she managed to free one of the cigarettes. She placed it between her lips, amased at how light it was. "Can I give you a light ?" a familiar voice asked. She looked up and there was Marcus. He had a lit Marlboro 100 in his hand and he'd already fished his lighter from his pocket. "Sure." "I didn't know you smoked," he said, his voice full of encouragement. "It was a New Year's resolution to join the rest of the family." He held the lighter to the cigarette. It didn't catch immediately, but on the third try he got it going. She pulled a small amount of smoke into her mouth and then let it slide down her throat. The feeling was one of immediate, intense pleasure. "Wow !" "Don't tell me I got to light your first cigarette ? That's so cool." He sounded ridiculously thrilled. Mariella smiled coyly. "It's not like you just popped my cherry, Marcus." He redden. "Well, I remember my first cigarette. You know Kelli Langdon ?" "Kelli ? Who doesn't ? The prettiest cheerleader in the history of Hansen High." "Yeah. She was my babysitter until I turned fourteen." "You had a babysitter when you were thirteen ?" "If Kelli was your babysitter- and you were a guy- you'd beg your Mom to be sat just like I did." "So you've been smoking since you were thirteen ?" "Kelli insisted on it. She said that- never mind." Mariella punched him playfully on the arm. "She said what ?" "Oh man, I wish Mom hadn't gotten caught in the deli line, you know ? Well, Kelli and I were very close- I mean, she was just sixteen and I was thirteen and-" "You didn't," Mariella said, shocked. "It all started because Kelli used to go outside to smoke. She had this stupid idea that mom wouldn't want her smoking in our house- as if. Well, she put a pizza in the oven, we went outside so that she could smoke- and the pizza didn't make it. After that, Mom told her she'd rather she just smoked in the house. Well, this was in the last few months that I ‘needed' a babysitter. We started fooling around-" "In other words, you were really close." "Yeah. We started, I don't know, fooling around, and then one day that turned into something more- only she stopped. I mean, I had her bra off and- do you really want to hear this ?" "Yes, I do," Mariella said, although she was far from sure that she did. "Well, there I am with my hand on her breast, stroking her nipple-" Mariella realised that she'd forgotten entirely about the cigarette. Her first one, and she was wasting it. She had been unconsciously tapping the ash from it, holding it the same way that her mother did, down by her waist, wrist bent, working it with her index finger to keep the ash trimmed. She brought it to her mouth, wrapped her lips around it, and inhaled. The thing she hadn't told her diary was that she didn't plan just to start smoking, but to really smoke. Inhaling the way Mom and Lisa did, something Janice still was only half-heartedly doing. The sensation of satisfaction was more intense this time, more fulfilling. Her exhale was thick and luxurious. "Do that again," Marcus said. His smile as she repeated the inhale was matched by her own. "Your story," she said, her voice thick through the smoke. She inhaled again and this time treated her boyfriend-to-be with a nose exhale. "Well," Marcus said, pausing to draw on his own. "She says ‘I can't do it with someone who's not even old enough to smoke.' That was how she put it. ‘Do it.'" "You were pretty young. Did you even know what she meant ?" "Yes, we get HBO. So I said that I was old enough and she asked me to prove it. She put a cigarette in my mouth, lit it for me, and a few puffs later-" He didn't say any more. Mariella drew on her cigarette, noticing with disappointment that it was almost gone already. "Yes-" "Gentlemen don't kiss and tell-" "Or fuck and tell-" Mariella said, trying her best to be good natured about it. "I just-" Taking one last draw on the cigarette, she felt suddenly bold. "-hope she didn't ruin you for the rest of us." Just then the car horn finally honked, a quick, half-hearted bleat that was Mom's way of saying, ‘I hate to interrupt.' They exchanged a few more sentences and then Mariella was back in the smoky safety of her mom's Lexus. Dear Diary (1 Jan 98 £2), Well, unless I can find a way to get liposuction by sundown, only two of my three resolutions will be brought to fruition today. Marcus asked me out- although after his story about Kelli- and I have to say that I do believe it- I'm a little intimidated. It's like following Seinfeld on open-mike night. I should have bought a box of tissues in the store. That's silly. Marcus isn't like that. Mom was so cool about it when I told her I had a date tonight. Then again, I'm sitting here in the car smoking a freshly lit cigarette and I can tell she couldn't be happier. I wish Lisa was here to see this. I was she'd seen the way that Marcus almost wet his shorts watching me smoke, too. I can understand that. After having Kelli, I'll bet he never so much as think twice about a woman who doesn't smoke. Maybe that's how it starts with most men. The first love of their life, real or imagined, is a smoker. Mom was saying a few minutes ago that it was that way with Dad, and- "You'll have to put your diary up, dear. We're here. Try not to think about Marcus the whole time. We have work to do." Work. No way. It was going to be pure pleasure, smoking for Diana. Or rather, smoking for Janice. Harry answered the door. He smiled at them and said "Welcome, ladies. Happy New- uh oh." "Uh oh, what ?" Beth asked, as if she didn't know. She punctuated the question with the sort of exhale that she knew would give Harry half a jones. Good old reliable Harry. "Diana's not going to like the fact that you've let Mariella smoke, Beth. You might want to put that out, Mari." "No, she wouldn't. And you can't tell me that my daughter isn't welcome in her mother's sister's house because she smokes." Harry parsed the family relation, smiled, stepped outside and closed the door. "I know Janice has been smoking, Beth. And that you encourage her. You forget that we have the same stylist." Beth considered cracking wise about whether or not Harry still needed hair styling with that chrome dome of his, thought better of it. "And-" "And I wish that Diana would lighten up and let Janice light up. Frankly, it's been causing a little tension lately. Janice looks for any lame excuse she can find to get out of the house and I know that if Dee would just let her smoke that would stop. But she's dead set against it, and she'd going to piss a river if-" "You know, I'd think a licensed therapist-" "The problem is that we're both licensed therapists. Every argument I throw up she shoots down." "Well, Mariella is my daughter-" Mariella spoke through a nose exhale. "Mom, I don't want to piss off Aunt D." "Well, maybe I do. Janice is a good kid, Harry. So she smokes ? We all smoke. Mari, tell Uncle Harry what your resolution was." The girl reddened slightly This was already going far less smoothly than she'd hoped. "Come on, Mari. You know I won't judge." Mariella looked at Uncle Harry, who was honestly the least judgmental person she knew. "I made a resolution to start smoking." "That's interesting. Why did you do that ?" Beth rolled her eyes. "I'm sure we both appreciate the free therapy, Harry, but this is about Dee and Janice. Do you want my help or not ?" "Do you really think that Dee seeing Mari smoke is going to change her mind about Janice ?" "I hope so. I- yes, I do. Dee has always been very fond of Mari. You know that." "Yeah. Both of us are. She's a lot like Janice- and we didn't have to raise her." He smiled at his own joke. "Look, I'm all for anything which gets this out of the way, but-" "You have to live with Dee and we don't. I know." "Exactly. But then again, you're her sister. If anyone has the right to interfere, it's you." Mariella finished her cigarette. "Can I light another one, Uncle Harry ?" She cuzzled up to Uncle Harry, pressing the length of her body against his, her right breast pushing into his arm. She looked at him with sky blue doe eyes and he melted. "Of course, honey. But don't blame me if things get a little ugly." Beth saw that the old Mariselle charm still worked on Harry. She didn't follow that thought any farther. Harry was a good man- now. Mariella lit another cigarette, amasing her mother with the veracity with which she smoked. The inhale was full, measured, intentional. A life time around smokers had certainly done her good. They walked inside. Diana noticed almost immediately. She was sitting on the couch, playing Scrabble with Janice when they walked in. "Happy- Oh, I see you've started smoking, Mari. I'll bet your mother is very proud of you." Janice was smart enough to see what was coming. She stood up, took Mariella's arm, and halfway dragged her into the kitchen without so much as saying a word. Harry considered sticking around, but one look from Diana told him that this was between sisters. Thinking bowl game, he was more than happy to oblige- for now. The first thing that Janice did when they got to the kitchen was put out her hand, practically demanding the cigarette. Instead, Mariella passed over her pack and the lighter. "Are you crazy ?" "Come on Janice, you know Mom and Aunt D. Once they decide to argue, that's it for the next hour or so. Go ahead." Without further argument Janice slid one of the cigarettes from the pack and lit it with a trembling hand. "What are you so nervous about ? I've seen you smoke in the house before." "Not when Mom is actually home. I can't believe that you've started smoking. What happened ?" "Mom asked me what my New Year's resolutions were and I told her one of them was that I wanted to start smoking. She was all for it. Not only that-" Mariella stopped in mid-sentence, inhaled deeply, and tried another nose exhale, liking the subtlety different feel of it. "-Marcus Aero asked me out tonight. I came out of the Stop and Shop and he lit my cigarette for me." "Sounds like a black and white movie." "I don't care what it is. Except-" Seeing how confidently Mari inhaled- on her first day of smoking- Janice found herself inhaling more deeply than she was used to. She knew she wasn't really inhaling the way her mom and dad did, but it wasn't until she saw Mari doing it that she realised she was missing something. The truth was, the feeling was even better, more intense. And it wasn't making her dizzy or nauseous like the last time she'd tried to really inhale. A smile spread across her face. "Except what, Mari ?" "Do you who Kelli Langdon is-" "She is my daughter," Beth said, angrily tapping ash into the expensive crystal. "Not yours. Mine." "I know that," Diana said angrily. "And I also know a few other things. I know that Janice smokes. I know that when she's with you, you let her smoke. I know Harry would just as soon we let her smoke. And now Mariella will be pressuring her to smoke more or more openly. But she's my daughter, Beth. If I wanted her to smoke, she'd be smoking right now, this very minute." Beth inhaled, paused, exhaled slowly. It was a nice exercise in relaxation. When she'd first started smoking openly she'd noticed that her smoking changed when she was nervous or agitated. She would attack the cigarette with her mouth and then try to blow the smoke into the next county. Mom had called it angry smoking, and Beth had asked her why she never did it herself. ‘There aren't many thing important enough to waste a good cigarette about, honey,' had been her answer. Not once since that day had Beth smoked that way. She watched Diana jam the filter of her own cigarette in her mouth, pull hard, and almost immediately blow a fast moving jet of unenjoyed smoke from her mouth. Diana had always been the emotional one. "When you talk like that Diana, it's not about Janice, it's about you. What about her ? What if she wants to smoke." "It's not about her, not really. I mean-" This time Diana's inhale was more reasonable, and shew actually held the smoke long enough to relax her at least a little bit. "I don't know how you managed after the divorce. I guess that you've just never felt a lot of pressure where Lisa and Mariella are concerned- don't get me wrong, you've done a great job, but- I mean, you don't go to the PTA meetings and the parent-teacher conferences the way I do, you don't interact in those circles-" "And you're not trying to criticise," Beth mocked. "I'm not. You've always had a chip on your shoulder about that. As if I can't understand that you have a living to make and a life to live you're already working twice as hard as Harry or I without the PTA or whatever. I do understand that, Beth." "Why do you let those people get to you ?" "Get to me ?" Beth stubbed out her cigarette and lit another one, thinking back to when they were kids and they'd just started smoking. Diana had been sixteen, she'd been fourteen. They'd started together and it was a very short number of days before Mom had found out. She'd immediately given their smoking her unequivocal stamp of approval. Beth had taken full advantage, lighting up in public at every chance because she wanted the whole world to know that she was a smoker. Not Diana. Her smoking had remained almost furtive. "Remember when we first started. You were thrilled that Mom was letting us smoke, but you were still afraid to light up when we went anywhere, as though the wrong people might see you. The four of us would go out to eat and sit in the smoking section and Mom, Dad and I would light our cigarettes and you'd sit there glancing around. It was always ‘there's the principal or there's Mrs. Green or there's the priest." "So-" "Well, you haven't changed." "You don't think this should be about me at all, even though when people look at Janice, they see Harry and I as an extension of her, do you ?" Beth paused to inhale again. Her sister's body language was slowly changing for the better. She too inhaled again and this time it was slow, patient, well-measured. Which told Beth that she was slowly winning her case. "I think if you look at an eleven or twelve year old girl and she's standing with her mother smoking a cigarette that you have to question that. But Janice is fifteen. She's old enough to enjoy smoking in her own right. Your whole problem is that you've fallen into this nineties trap that smoking is somehow bad or evil or socially pariahical." "Well-" "That's just the media. Millions of people see millions of other people smoking every day, and you know what the majority of them think ?" "No, because we're in the minority." "Not everyone is a judgmental bastard, you know. Most of them just think, ‘Hey, she's smoking.' Not ‘She's smoking, her parents must suck' or ‘she's a bad person.' In fact, I value Mariella's judgment very highly, and what she took from watching Lisa and I smoke was that she might enjoy it herself. You have to get it out of your head that everyone out there has a negative association with smoking." "Everyone's not Harry, Beth." "We'd live in a better world if they were. You know, I asked Janice why she started smoking the other day. I didn't really need to. When she got in the car I waited until we were out of sight of the house to tell that she could smoke. She lit up so fast- and she glows when she smokes. She loves it. But I asked anyway, just so that I could hear her say that it wasn't because we smoke or anything stupid like that. She looked at me with those big brown eyes of hers and said ‘The same reason Mom smokes. The same reason you smoke. I enjoy it.' All you're doing by refusing her that is alienating her and instilling the same fear of others that you have." "That's not fair, Beth. I don't have an avoidance complex." Beth laughed, exhaled, then drank the second hand smoke back in. "Of course you do. You're one of the most non-confrontational people I know. Which is why you're such a good therapist. But you overcompensate in the home environment. You do things because you think you have to, because the other parents in the fucking PTA might not look kindly on you letting your daughter smoke. Rather than take them on, you're making Janice very unhappy." "She's not unhappy-" "Because she sneaks out every day to smoke. She told me some of her favourites. As if you don't know why she'd rather walk three miles to the store to get a Diet Coke at the convenience store than drink a glass of milk." "She knows I know." "Of course she does. But you let that go because it's easier to say ‘not in my house' than face your own fears. Who knows what she'll miss, and what she'll take away from her last two or three years here before college. Do you want her to resent you ?" "No. But parents can't just cave in all the time to avoid resentment. And what do you mean ‘What she'll miss ?'" Beth's nose exhale would have made Harry's pants seem too tight. Actually, it did. The two sisters didn't know that Harry was watching the discussion from the hallway. He'd snuck past the kitchen where Janice and Mariella were smoking. Janice looked so calm, so peaceful. She had her mother's way of working a cigarette, perfect holds, nice inhales- much better today than he'd ever seen, actually. Seeing the open enjoyment on her face was making him wish that Beth would work her gentle magic on her sister. "Well. I let Mariella go buy her own cigarettes this morning. Seeing as nothing is ever closed anymore, we swung by the Stop ‘n Shop. I remember how much I enjoyed buying cigarettes when I was her age- anyway, she was walking out of the store and there was Marcus-" "That gorgeous kid that's she's in love with ?" "Well," Beth said, smiling as she drew on her cigarette. "Love is kind of strong. She hardly knows him, you know. But yeah, she thinks she's in love. Wouldn't you be ?" "I almost am. That day at her birthday party- made me wish I was fifteen, you know." "Exactly. Don't we all. Well, there she is, so eager she already has the cigarette in her mouth. Well, you could see that he was getting a jones just lighting it for her, and now she has a date tonight." Diana finished her cigarette, lit another. Beth couldn't help but notice the way her sister's hand crept towards her crotch and she wondered if there wouldn't be a little pretending tonight when she went to bed and started in on Harry. "True. I would never have met Harry if I didn't smoke- but the same could be said for you and Johnny." That was Diana for you. Back her far enough into the corner and she would get a little mean. "We've been over that ground. But I have two wonderful daughters because of that man and he's not a bad person. He is helping to put Lisa through college, and he'll do the same for Mari. I just got to a point where living with him wasn't the right thing to do. But I don't regret the result and I still think back very fondly of that day my lighter ran out of fluid and he was there for me." "That trick always did work for you," Diana said, her voice now tinged with a narrow sort of anger. "Please, Dee. This is about Janice, not Harry." "I know. I'm sorry." "I'm not. Look, what do you say you try it ? Let Janice smoke and see what happens." "You mean the whole nine yards. Let her smoke in the house and the car and when we go out." Dee wasn't convinced yet. "Is there any part of you which is proud that Janice made a decision, on her own, to start smoking ?" Diana said nothing. She merely sat there, thinking and smoking. "Do you like to smoke, Dee ?" "Of course I do." "Would you say that you're pro-smoking ? That there isn't part of you that enjoys going into a restaurant and lighting a cigarette in an environment where you can proudly proclaim that you smoke ?" "Of course." "Well then ?" "Okay, yes, I'm proud of her. But I don't want to make this so easy for her that she thinks I don't care about her." Beth and Harry both knew that the game was over. "It's because she knows that you care about her that she wants you to approve of her smoking. That should be obvious." "All right. Harry, stop standing behind the wall and go get your daughter." When Janice walked into the room, she was holding an unlit cigarette in her hand. Mariella's was lit and she drew deeply on it, a smile creeping across her face. "Can I, Mom ?" "Come over here, young lady." Janice went and sat down next to her mother, who picked her lighter up off the table and used it to light her daughter's cigarette. "No more long walks to the store, Janice." They all laughed. Dear Diary (1 Jan 98 £3) What a day. I've always thought that the New Year was a boring day. Adults getting over their hangovers. Nothing on television but college football and old movies. I've never been a fan, you know. But I'll think that I'll have to change my mind about that. I can't believe how much a little thing can change your life. One of the first things I did after Marcus picked me up was ask him point blank the question that had been nagging me all day. Part of Mariella couldn't believe that she was really here. It was amasing that just twenty-four hours ago there had been no hope in her mind that Marcus would want to be doing something like this and now- Now she had one doubt which needed to be answered. "Marcus, did you just ask me out because I smoke ?" "You mean," he said, backing out of the driveway slowly and forcing himself to pay more attention to the road than to the fact that his date was lighting a cigarette. "-am I just looking for another Kelli ?" "Something like that." There was no one else on the road so he did spare a glance at Mariella. It was more than worth it. Creamy white smoke was just pouring from both her mouth and nose. It was impossible to imagine that he'd lit her first cigarette for her just hours ago. All he could think about was pulling the car over and- Watching her smoke. That would be plenty for a first date. In fact, although it was an hard thought to reconcile, Marcus knew he'd probably go home tonight and masturbate himself to sleep thinking about her sitting in his sister's car, smoking those cigarettes. "No. I mean, yes, the reason I finally asked you out was because you smoke. That's an huge turn on for me. I won't lie. We've been friends for a long time, but until I saw you with that cigarette in your mouth-" I have to say, diary, that there was a part of me which didn't much like that. But think about it. Makeup, hair, clothes, the way you talk and smile and bat your eyes at a guy- well, not you, but the rest of us. And you don't enjoy most of those things. I've only been smoking for one day, but I can tell you that I'm going to be smoking for a long time, and enjoying it. It's a good thing I bought two packs this morning. I had to share with Janice and then all of the sudden Marcus and I are slipping out in the middle of this boring movie to have a smoke. If I hadn't had that second pack- I was glad he was honest because I knew. No question. After the movie we just stayed in the parking lot. It was the last show so the place cleared out. We made out for about half an hour and then I asked him if he wanted to move to the back seat. I lit a cigarette. It tasted so good in the cold air with the windows open. I told him to unzip his pants, which he did. Then I sat back and started smoking. It was about three inhales before the head of his penis came sticking up through the top of his briefs. Right then I knew what to do. I told him to start playing with himself. As I said it I let go of this perfect exhale. Creamy white smoke, like liquid ivory. It drifted between us, hung, this perfect haze. An haze of open sexuality. I had never felt so alive. He put his hand on the head of his penis and began- it looked almost like he was tickling himself. This dreamy look came over his face but he kept his eyes wide open and I just sat and smoked. Nose exhales. I tried a double but that was too much. I leaned close and exhaled right in his face and he came. It went everywhere. But he just sat there, watching me. When I finished, I lit another one and he stayed hard the whole time. So hard. I took a few puffs and then traded my cigarette for him. When he came again, I had a lungful of smoke. So I swallowed for him and then asked him to open his mouth. I thought he'd say no, but he did and we kissed, trading the smoke back and forth until it was gone. After that he insisted that it was his turn. His hands are amasing. We were both in the middle of inhales when I climaxed and I thought that I was going to die. It was the most perfect moment of my life, and he was so turned on he came a third time. Talk about remembering your first time. We just sat and smoked after that. I wanted to have sex, but he was exhausted and finally around two he drove me home. I'll have to go buy more cigarettes tomorrow. I can't wait. There was a knock at the door. Mariella was dreading that knock, but she knew she'd have to tell her mother something. She only hoped she could decide what. As she lit one final cigarette for the day she knew very well it would have to be the truth. And that was just fine. |
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