Alvin and the Smoking Chipmunks, Part 6

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Alvin and the Smoking Chipmunks-by Jason Thirus
Part 6
   It is Friday night on April 24, and the Chipmunks are on their way to the 
Spectrum in Philadelphia.  Alvin is a committed Marlboro Reds, two 
packs-per-day smoker.  Simon is a committed Camel Lights, one pack-per-day 
smoker.  Theodore is a committed Salem 100's, three packs-per-day smoker.  
Dave gets a call from Brittany on his cellular phone, while the Chipmunks 
are chainsmoking on the bus, causing the inside to look like fog.
   "Hi, Dave.  Guess what?  After the national news report about the Chipmunks 
becoming smokers came on yesterday, you guys went from #30 to #10 in the 
music group rankings."
   Dave takes a deep drag in happiness from his Newport.  "Thanks for the good 
news, Brittany.  That sure is a huge jump."
   "Good luck.  We'll be watching the concert on pay-per-view."
   "How much did it cost for pay-per-view?"
   "$90, with $60 going towards the Chipmunk Smoking Fund.  The boys need help 
from the Chipmunk fans, in terms of getting support for buying cigarettes."
   Dave chuckles.  "See you and the girls on Monday, Brittany."
   The Chipmunks get to the Spectrum around 30 minutes before the scheduled 
starting time for the concert.   There is a full house, with at least 90% of 
the attendance being teens.  Of those teens, 85% are smokers and nearly 70% 
of the smokers are girls.  When the curtain comes up, the crowd starts 
cheering, and about 7,000 teens light up their smokes, causing the Spectrum 
to glow like an orange Christmas tree in the dark.
   Alvin grabs a microphone and starts talking like a comedian.  "Hello, 
Philly!  What do you think of us as the SMOKING Chipmunks?"
   The girls in the crowd start screaming and waving their hands in the air, 
with the cigarettes either in the hands or the mouth.
   "Thank you.  You're one heck of a smokey crowd!  I'm sure we are all here 
tonight to let the dumb anti-smokers know that smokers will rule Philly 
forever! Right?"
   The crowd responds with loud screaming.  When all three Chipmunks pull out 
packs and light up their cigarettes together, some of the girls in front of 
the stage try reaching up in the air for Alvin as if he was holding 
thousands of dollars in cash.  Security people try to restrain the girls by 
giving each one a free Marlboro Light 100 and a free light.  This silly idea 
actually worked.
   Alvin takes a double pump on his Red, and continues talking while exhaling 
on pauses.  "You know?  We all know that smoking cigarettes and even pot are 
both bad for our health.  So that's why we'll start off with our own version 
of the "Bad" song.  But the bad thing in this song isn't cigarettes.  
They're parents and other antis who hate watching young people smoke!
   The crowd applauds in agreement.
   Alvin turns to the boys.  "OK! A one! A two! A three!"   The Chipmunks 
start singing their "Bad" song.  Other songs include "Twinkling Smokey 
Little Stars," "Waiting to Exhale Smoke," as well as Smokey Blues music, and 
slow, classical Chipmunk songs.  The concert lasted for three hours.  The 
full house left behind a million butts and thousands of empty packs on the 
floor and the red seats.  The majority of the empty packs were Marlboro 
Lights, followed by Marlboro Reds.
  	While the Chipmunks waited for their hotel bus outside, a 16-year old 
white girl with a Virginia Slim 100 in her mouth, comes running up to them 
with the program and a pen.  She has blonde hair, sort of chubby, and she is 
wearing a shirt with a picture of all three boys on the front.  She runs 
directly to Alvin.
   "Hi, I'm Erica.  Can I get an autograph?"
   Alvin smiles, "Sure, Virginia Slims girl."
   Erica pulls the program away from Alvin's hands.  "No, Marlboro Chipmunk.  
I want Theodore's autograph!"  Theodore laughs like crazy, and agrees to 
give Erica his autograph.
   Alvin gives Erica a dirty look and murmurs, "That girl needs to start 
drinking some Virginia SKIMS milk!"
   When Dave and his boys get back home, they notice a "Congratulations, 
Smoking Chipmunks!" banner hanging on the front door.  They also notice Joe 
outside, along with the Chipettes.
   Joe runs up to Dave and shakes his hand.  "Congratulations, David Seville.  
Your Smoking Chipmunks are now the #1 musical group, knocking the New Kids 
on the Block out of first place after a successful and smokey three-day 
concert in Philadelphia!
   The Chipettes all take triple pumps, run up to the boys, and use smokey 
kisses as their way of congratulating the boys.  They all say together, 
"See, boys!  Didn't we tell you smoking cigarettes will make you guys #1 in 
the music world?"
   All three boys nod in agreement, while Alvin lights up and takes a couple 
of drags from his Red.  "I guess Brittany is right.  Smokers will rule 
forever!  And so will us, as the Smoking Chipmunks!"

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