Blue, Part 2

Blue_Two from Puffery@prodigy.com

Sunday started out as a carbon copy with me going back to the room 
for my cigarettes at lunch time and then having one after lunch.  The 
difference was that rather than returning them to the room as I had 
the day before, I decided to carry them around with me, more for show 
than consumption.  Mid-afternoon mom ordered a pina colata and poured 
a bit in my glass.  A couple of sips and suddenly a cigarette seemed 
like a good idea.  And it was.  It actually tasted kind of good with 
the drink.  So good in fact that I had a second of each.  Dinner was 
kind of the same thing.  In addition to an after dinner cigarette, I 
joined mom for one between courses with a glass of red wine.  This 
was all just so cool.

We took the overnight train back to Paris just in time for the Monday 
workday.  I didn't sleep great on the train and knew that make up 
would have to do a better than usual job on me if I was going to earn 
my money that day.  They did but the morning was exceptionally long 
and exhausting.  By lunch time my appetite was raging.  A couple of 
my peers were aghast at the double cheeseburger, fries, and shake 
that I made vanish.  They couldn't even look at such things.  They 
did the model's special - salad, cigarette, and Evian lunch.  

Now nicely filled I went in search of my purse and returned to the 
table with my cigarettes and lighter.  My two best friends at the 
studio, Jill and Stephanie, stared at me speechlessly.  They were 
both smokers but then they were also teenagers as well.  I sat down 
and jerked out a cigarette from my now more than half finished 
Marlboro Light 100's pack.  Like I'd been doing this all my life, I 
flipped my Bic and took a respectable puff, holding it for maybe 
three seconds and then releasing a comparable exhale.  

"When the hell did you start smoking Blue?" Jill said and "Aren't you 
afraid your mom will find out?" she continued.  

"Oh" I responded "I just actually started this weekend and mom kind 
of taught me.  Since she smokes she doesn't mind if I do too.  She 
even kind of thought it was cool.  Kind of like we were sisters" I 
elaborated embellishing the story just a bit.  "We lied by the pool 
all weekend smoking and drinking pina colatas" I continued now on a 
roll.  

"That's simply amazing" Jill responded.  "You're not even eleven yet 
are you?" she asked rhetorically knowing full well the answer.  "My 
mom lets me smoke around her now but even though she smokes too she 
sure doesn't like it and she never misses an opportunity to tell me 
that.  Your so lucky that you and your mom get along so well."        
   

"Tell me about it" Stephanie chimed in.  "I've been smoking since I 
was your age but my mom still doesn't know.  Well, that's probably 
not true.  I'm sure she knows.  She just doesn't acknowledge it.  She 
knows if she ever called me on it, it might put me over the edge to 
seek emancipation and since I'm the meal ticket for her and her 
asshole boyfriend, she'll just keep ignoring it.  But ya' know what?  
I think I'll go home after work and light up in the kitchen.  What 
the hell do I have to lose?  No way is she going to kick me out.

I just listen quietly while sipping a cup of milk coffee and enjoying 
my first cigarette of the day.  I really was enjoying it too.  It was 
a lot of fun to sit around with these older girls knowing that I had 
as much or more freedom than they did and a hell of a lot better 
relationship with my mother.  It was so much fun that I found myself 
lighting a second cigarette before the lunch hour ended.

There was still another three weeks of work ahead for us before the 
entire layout would be complete.  That first week my ritual was a 
cigarette or two with lunch and then not another until after dinner 
and then maybe a final one before bed.  The second week started out 
the same way and probably would have finished that way if it hadn't 
been for the Tuesday power blackout.  

It was about two thirty in the afternoon when suddenly the room went 
dark.  With nothing else better to do, Jill, Steph, and I went out 
back with a couple of Cokes.  I didn't bring my cigarettes with me 
but the others did.  I bummed a Virginia Slim 120's menthol from Jill.
  It tasted totally different and I wasn't sure whether better or 
worse.  Just different but it sure took a long time to finish.  The 
photographers got impatient and moved the shoot outdoors.  One of the 
guys noticed right away that we were smoking and started to take 
pictures anyway.  We all kind of vamped it up for him and he got some 
great shots.  Mom was mortified when I told her and managed to 
retrieve all the negatives.  She didn't want my career going up in 
smoke at age ten.

What it did do however is expose me openly to the crew rather than 
just my two friends now as a smoker.  That done, I soon lost my self 
consciousness about smoking and found myself smoking more often than 
not during the afternoon breaks.  By the end of the shoot I was 
already smoking a half of a pack a day.  That final Friday night we 
had a going away party with all the girls and their moms.  No guys 
allowed.  It was like a big slumber party.  Stephanie was by then 
smoking in front of her mom with as she predicted no protesting and 
Jill and her mom seemed to have come to some truce.  As for me I 
smoked so much that I went to bed with a sore throat and my first 
ever pledge to not smoke the next day.

Any of you who have an addictive personality already know this but 
for you others let me explain about pledges.  They are always made 
with the best of intentions but never kept.  The next day you don't 
break your pledge; you just don't remember ever making it.  That 
should give you a clue about the next morning.  Mom and I have an 
eight AM flight to Athens and reach the airport at 6:30.  We're both 
so tired and blurry-eyed we can hardly walk straight so we head 
straight for the cafeteria.  

I find us a table while mom gets a couple of tall coffees.  I load 
mine with milk while she lights a cigarette.  The coffee does taste 
good and almost immediately begins to work on the eyelids.  But more 
importantly mom's cigarette, the ones that have always stunk in the 
morning, also smells good.  Halfway through my coffee I'm digging 
through my purse only to discover that either I'd finished my pack 
last night or else left them behind.  "Shit" is all I said but it was 
enough for mom to know exactly the problem.  She smiled wanly, pushed 
her pack over to me and said we'll get more on the way to the plane.

So at 6:42 on the morning of November 16th I had my first AM 
cigarette breaking not only my pledge of morning abstinence first 
made a month ago but also my pledge of daily abstinence made the 
previous evening.  All ready it was clear where this train was going 
and who was in charge and the answer wasn't me.  The fact that I 
enjoyed it immensely and even suggested to mom that maybe she should 
buy me these full flavors instead, was only more incriminating 
evidence.  I was already hooked or close to it.

I could write a whole book about our five days in the Greek Isles 
before our return to LA but it wouldn't add a lot.  Suffice it to say 
that I would be returning to the States with a new look - why look 
like a child when I could pass easily as a woman, a new found 
appreciation of alcoholic beverages, and a solid half a pack a day 
cigarette habit.  And to top it off I was pleased with all three 
changes.         
. 
Let me skip ahead a couple of years now.  As I neared thirteen, my 
more mature appearance was now due more to biology and less to 
chemistry.  I was becoming a rather shapely young woman.  I'd already 
appeared several times in Seventeen and even had the makings of a 
small fan club.  Thank God mom had bought those old negatives because 
my squeaky clean image was still a considerable asset.  No way would 
I have landed the role on Saved by the Bell without it.

Because I was already what they call a name I got star billing for 
the show.  The really good news about that was that I wouldn't have 
to share a dressing room with anybody.  I'd have my own private 
quarters.  Since smoking would be about the worst possible image for 
the star of this show, I had to keep it carefully under wraps.  I had 
no idea how I was going to do that but now with my own room the 
prospects were looking up.

The first day I was on the set at 7:30.  Of course I'd already had a 
couple of cigarettes over breakfast with mom and another in the car 
on the way to the studio.  The limo that picked us up everyday had 
shaded windows so I couldn't be seen.  My first break didn't come 
until nearly eleven and there was a line up of folks waiting to meet 
me.  I nervously managed the situation but inside I was dying for a 
cigarette.  When I saw the director heading back toward the set I 
excused myself and dashed.  Whispering "potty break" to him as I 
passed, I reached the safety of my room in just seconds.  

Locking the door behind me I took my cigarettes out of my purse and 
ignited my lighter all in one practiced motion.  I pulled and pulled 
and pulled on that baby without ever exhaling.  Having not gone four 
waking hours in a year or more, the rush was uncommon.  Relief just 
began to wash all over me as the nicotine went to work.  I sucked 
down that cigarette in five minutes flat and was tempted to light 
another but knew that I was overdue.  Mom that day at DeGaulle came 
vividly to mind.  Reluctantly I hosed down the place with the spray 
I'd brought with me and dashed back out to the set.

This was going to be a bit of a challenge.  I needed a cigarette at 
least every couple of hours and breaks weren't even that often.  That 
meant that every break would be a mad dash to the room.  I knew that 
was going to brand me as anti-social so I was going to have to come 
up with a reasonable strategy for my behavior.  Figuring that one out 
would be my assignment for the night.  Over the course of the rest of 
the day I got just a lunch break and an afternoon quickie.  Thank God 
for my star status bathroom.  That gave me an excuse to go back to my 
quarters and afforded me a couple of smokes.  Five o'clock and the 
waiting limo couldn't have been more welcome.  I smoked three 
cigarettes just on the thirty minute trip back up the canyon. 

During the first two years on the set I kept my smoking somewhat 
under wraps.  Everyone knew of course but I would only smoke in my 
dressing room.  The first year I spent a substantial amount of time 
sneaking in there alone during breaks in the action.  By the end of 
the second season, half of the cast, practically all of the girls for 
that matter took up residence there with me.  If they didn't smoke 
before they joined our little coven they did before long.  None-the-
less we all had an image to maintain and maintain it we did.  We 
never once let a photographer near our clubhouse.

You might wonder why so many young actresses smoke.  To say because 
we're spoiled brats is probably not far from the truth but very 
incomplete.  We spend all of our time in an adult would trying to 
pass as adults and smoking has always been a symbol of passage.  We 
also have all of this time on our hands.  If you've never been on a 
shoot of any kind you have no idea how bloody boring it is.  For 
every five minutes of action there is thirty minutes of hurry up and 
wait.  It is brutal and one of the few time passers is a cigarette.  
The interminable breaks played a big role in me becoming a regular 
smoker and my co-workers joining me.  

Another reason that's maybe a little lame but never-the-less has some 
validity is that we often have roles where we're suppose to smoke and 
you feel pretty dumb if you can't.  I'm not sure if Christina started 
specifically for Now and Then, but it's clear in the film that she 
isn't faking it like the others were.  Probably she already smoked 
but if she didn't, smoking in that film might have been how she got 
started.  I'll have to remember to ask her. 

When I was fifteen the National Cancer Society asked me to do a spot 
for them.  I felt like a total hypocrite but if I'd refused the word 
would have gotten out that I smoked so I would have been screwed that 
way too.  Mom had no misgivings about it - the PR aspects would be 
great so I went for it.  My sister Auburn however was appalled.  Have 
I mentioned anything yet about her and smoking?  No?   

Who the NCS really should have been dealing with was my kid sister.  
When I returned from Europe years earlier as a smoker I didn't quite 
know what to expect.  Unlike me she ragged a bit on mom in the past 
but I figured that it was just kid stuff she'd grow out of.  When I 
returned as a smoker you would of thought I was a registered killer.  
She'd have nothing to do with me for weeks.  She put smoke free zone 
signs up all over her room and would leave the dinner table the 
minute that mom and I lit up.  I was maybe a little disappointed but 
her disapproval wasn't about to get in the way of a good thing.

Auburn was always really different.  She had just about as many 
opportunities to model and later act as I did but she showed very 
little interest.  She really seemed perfectly content to hang with 
her friends and excel at school.  Not my things but fine for her. She 
was fifteen and about as goody two shoes as they come.  She wouldn’t 
even have a glass of wine with dinner with us.  Year three of the 
show things finally began to change.  

Auburn was now a Sophomore and carrying a near four point.  She was 
pretty much a knock out but found little attraction in the guys at 
school.  In the first two years she'd never set foot on the SBTB set 
but mid season she mysteriously began to drop by.  She of course 
wouldn't come by my smoke laden den of iniquity but rather would hang 
with some of the others during breaks.  And those hanging with her 
were predominantly guys.  After a few days it became obvious that it 
was Josh in particular that motivated her visits.  I'll give the kid 
credit.  We all drooled over him too but he never seemed to 
reciprocate.  With Auburn he was obviously taken.

It wasn't long before Josh became a fixture around our house.  They 
couldn't keep their hands of each other to the point that mom began 
to get a little worried.  She provided pretty close supervision and 
had her first ever stern chats with my well behaved sibling.  The 
forces however were just too strong.  Being suspicious, a couple of 
months into the relationship I followed Josh off the set by about 
fifteen minutes one lunch hour.  Sure enough when I got to our house 
his Corvette was in the driveway.  I snuck quietly into house and 
found my sister not in school but in bed.  

They both begged me not to tell but I didn't let them off the hook 
gently.  I demanded to see their protection fully expecting a spent 
condom wrapper.  When Auburn produced a prescription bottle I was 
truly shocked.  "You're not just kidding around are you?" I asked 
rhetorically.  "How long has this been going on?" I continued and 
without waiting for an answer "Does mom know about the pills?"

"You've gotta be nuts" was all Auburn could get out and my 
parentalness vanished in laughter.  "Well I'll be damned" I finally 
said.  "My goody goody little sister is getting laid regularly by one 
of teenydom's biggest hunks and big time model and actress here is 
still practically a virgin.  Go figure.  I won't say a thing to mom.  
You know the risks and you're doing the right things.  I'm almost 
jealous."  I even went so far as to suggest that they inform me ahead 
of time of their rendezvous' so if I suspect that mom might catch 
them I could send 1234567 on the pager.  Longer term I suggested to 
Auburn that she'd better break this mom.  She was sure to find out 
anyway.

The relationship had another interesting aspect which is as auditions 
began for the fourth season Auburn suddenly became rather interested. 
 Ironically the only open role was for a real vixen.  While her new 
found sexuality would probably contribute to some authenticity there 
it was a far cry from Auburn's persona.  Even funnier was that this 
role demanded smoking.  Of course it could largely be faked and 
that's what Auburn attempted to do.

What she encountered however was that she was so repulsed by smoking 
that she couldn't even fake it well.  It got to the point a few days 
before the shoot that she was so ill at ease that she might need to 
be replaced.  Any of the rest of us would have been a natural for the 
role but it would have been out of character for our parts.  On 
Wednesday afternoon prior to the Monday shoot, Auburn entered my 
dressing room for the first time.  Feigning choking but with tears 
that were real she pleaded "You've got to teach me to smoke or I'm 
going to lose this role.  Will you?"

What was I to say.  I strung her out for a minute with a brief 
history of the abuse she'd piled on me but could see that she was 
really hurting.  "Sure" I said.  "No problem.  Are you ready to start?
"  I won't take you through all of the details but it's pretty much 
as you would imagine it.  Over the next five days she smoked a pack 
and a bit.  Just enough to at least learn how to hold a cigarette and 
maybe flip off an ash.  She made it through the first show just find 
because all it called for was a rear walking away shot.

The script however called for her to smoke a good bit more 
prominently in the following two episodes before we of course 
converted her into another one us goody goodies.  If this sounds 
upside down and backwards it was.  The real life goody goody was 
acting vixen and the acting goody goodies were chain smokers.  Oh 
well.  Over the next two weeks Auburn routinely hung out in my 
dressing room and smoked at home with mom and me.  We saw a lot less 
of Josh during that time since he hated smoking but he was still sort 
of supportive of what Auburn had to do.

As late as the Friday before the third Monday shoot Auburn was still 
commenting about how nice it would be when she could return to being 
a nonsmoker.  Sunday night when she ran out of cigarettes right after 
dinner and needed to bum three from me for the remainder of the 
evening I wasn't so sure about her conviction.  Sure enough however 
of Tuesday morning she didn't join us for a cigarette at breakfast 
nor any other time the rest of the day.  

It wasn't until a particularly long break on the set Thursday 
afternoon that the cracks began to appear.  She stuck her head in my 
room and found the whole coven puffing away.  She slipped in quickly 
and asked to bum just one cigarette but "Please don't tell Josh."  
For the next month she continue to slip in about once a day and on 
the weekend she'd usually have one or two after dinner.  She wasn't 
yet a confirmed smoker but she had some of the markings.

The next month the season wrapped and Josh was shooting a movie up in 
Vancouver.  While mom was now fully aware and seemingly dealing with 
the intimacy of their relationship, she wasn't about to send her now 
sixteen year old daughter up there to stay with her boyfriend.  So 
for the next month Auburn hung with us.  She drank a bit more coffee; 
she began to take an occasional glass of wine; and she smoked.  At 
first it was just a couple a day but the lonelier she got the more 
she smoked.  By the end of the month she was in the half a pack a day 
club and not looking back.

A few weeks earlier her relationship with Josh had encouraged her to 
go cold turkey from a very light plateau.  Josh was now returning and 
this plateau was no longer so low.  We sat up and talked the night 
before he was due to return.  The three of us had done a lot of 
damage to a half gallon of Chianti by the time mom called it quits.  
We stayed up and killed it off along with her Marlboro Light 100's 
starter kit and my full flavors.  Closing on near a full pack for the 
first time and in illustration of the problem, she confessed to me 
that she was no longer so certain that having Josh back would be 
enough impetus to make her quit.   

I just laughed.  "I could have told you that a month ago" I said.  
That day you came by my trailer to "bum a smoke" was the beginning of 
the end.  The real question is do you want to quit or will you be 
doing it to please Josh?"

"Truthfully as much as I've hated smoking and you know I really have, 
now I'm beginning to find it a real stress reliever and something 
pleasurable.  I know that if Josh weren't in my life that I'd 
continuie smoking for the moment and probably end up just like you 
and mom.  But I do love Josh" she concluded.

"Does Josh love you move than he hates smoking?" I responded.  
"That's the real question.  He doesn't have to like it that you smoke 
any more than you have to like him going out drinking.  But if you 
love somebody enough you overlook the things that you don't like and 
accept the whole person.  Do you think he could do that?" I said.

"I really have no idea" she replied.  "But I guess if his feelings 
for me are so shallow that he'd walk simply because I've started 
smoking well then he probably will walk for some other reason too."

And after seven years of hell raising over smoking Auburn's 
acquiescence was now complete, now she was one of us.  In a funny way 
now I was jealous of her.  For nearly seven years I'd been in the 
smoking closet.  My image had demanded that that I delude the public. 
 Oh there been a couple of little slips.  A couple of minor reports 
from fan sightings where I'd been a little sloppy but never a 
revealing photo.  Therefore we'd just deny the reports and they'd 
disappear.  Of course I'd never smoke around reporters.  Yet here she 
was.  Permitted to smoke publicly from day one.  Almost expected to.

It was also about this time that I met Christian and you all know he 
smokes like a chimney.  If I were to be seen in public with him and I 
couldn't smoke, I'd have gone crazy.  A persona makeover was 
obviously way past due.   So when the opportunity for a Made for TV 
movie came along that called for a bad girl, I was more than ready.  
The Texas Cheerleader scandal was a perfect fit. 

As you might expect they tried to cast me as the goody two shoes 
cheerleader that the contract was taken out on but I held out.  I 
played the vampy older sister of the girl whose mom made the contract.
  It was a much smaller part but the scenes where I helped my mom 
plan it - sitting around half dressed and chain smoking - that was a 
kick.  The network didn't like my stance much and really groaned when 
they saw the dailies but they knew I'd outgrown Saturdays so they 
eventually gave in.

There was the usual hue and cry that followed.  The American Cancer 
Society regretted my decision and begged me to rejoin them in a 
strong stand against teenage smoking.  Several newspaper articles 
took me to task as an evil role model and just the latest evidence of 
Hollywood corruption.  A few disillusion fans did write critical 
notes but it seemed like in some quarters the attention intensified.  
Several of the smoking scenes were now readily available over the 
Internet.  

Interestingly I've never had to buy my own cigarettes again since 
either.  My publicist agreed to have me simply attend a couple of 
Philip Morris summer concerts and be interviewed there and now every 
one of my films gets an amazing amount of free cigarettes and other 
merchandise.  I guess that's that "you scratch my back, I'll scratch 
yours" philosophy at work.  You know, maybe I could get them to 
introduce a new brand with my picture on it.  I wouldn't ask for much.
  Just some long term residuals.  I'll have to remember to speak to 
mom about that.  

Previous part | Next part