But I Don't Smoke, Part 2

"But I Don't Smoke"
by Fuzzyman
Part II

June 20

I am a bonehead.  This has got to be one of the WORST days of my life.  I'd
be lucky if Debbie ever spoke to me again.

Here it is: the last day of school for her and her thirteenth birthday
nonetheless.  I pick her up and I'm driving along.  I light a cigarette and
WHAM!  Some stupid delivery truck plows into the side of the car!

To make a long story short, Diary, I have a fractured arm, my car is in the
shop and my daughter hates me.  I know it.

June 28

Debbie is a trooper.  She is more worried about me than I'm worried about
her.  She's such a good daughter.  I've spent the last week doing phone work
so the orders have been backing up.  The car finally came back so we can
start dropping off stuff.  Debbie is so incredibly helpful (it doesn't hurt
that I pass her a few bucks, either).

I must say that I'm at some odds with myself, Diary.  I can't explain it,
but maybe if I relate the story I can sort it out.

We were just pulling out of the driveway and I had the need for a cigarette.
Being that I'm down to one arm right now, plus still being freaked out about
getting in a nasty wreck last time I lit up caused me a bit of panic.  Now,
let's step back a way.  Back when Steve was around we would start cigarettes
for each other all the time.  If one of us was tied up, we'd start one for
the other.  We never even thought about it.  So it almost seemed natural
when I asked Debbie to start a cigarette for me.

Let me interject something at this point: Debbie doesn't smoke.  She's
really not the type.  Debbie is the model daughter and my best friend.  She
gets good grades, she keeps out of trouble ... I trust her completely.  I'm
sure smoking is the furthest thing from her mind, even though I've smoked
her entire life.  Once the question came out of my mouth, it occurred to me
the implications of what I was asking for.  Okay, lighting a cigarette or
two will hardly make Debbie a smoker.  Hey, I dated a man once who smoked a
pack a day for a full year and decided he didn't like it and gave it up
instantly.  He never got hooked.  Maybe Debbie will be like that?  But I
know how much I smoke, and if I ask her to start a cigarette for me each
time we're on the road, by the end of the summer she'll either be hooked or
at least very used to it.

I don't know if I want Debbie to smoke.  I mean, if she decided to I'd be a
total hypocrite to not let her.  Personally I absolutely love smoking and I
hope to smoke my entire life.  But I wouldn't wish the dependence on someone
else, especially now since it's become so socially unacceptable.

But my need to have a cigarette at that very moment won out, and I asked
her.  "Can you start a cigarette for me?" I asked.  Debbie, being the
wonderful daughter that she is, gave it her best shot.  She fumbled with the
lighter and didn't think to inhale.  It was kind of funny and I wanted to
laugh, but I didn't want to let her know that I was anything but grateful.

June 30

I'm getting out more and more.  Debbie has been a godsend, helping me out
each trip.  Of course, we're talking six or eight or MORE times each time I
go out, and it's a lot.  Deb asked me if it would be bad for her and I told
her it wouldn't.  Okay, I lied.  But, seriously, at her rate it won't be.

July 8

I got the cast of today!!!!!  It feels GREAT!  Sadly, I'm still freaked out
about lighting up in the car, so Debbie is still helping me out.  Today she
lit up about eight cigarettes for me.  I'm watching her out of the corner of
my eye.  Each time I caught her inhaling ... I mean REALLY inhaling more and
more smoke and holding it in like a pro.  If I didn't know better I'd say
she was actually enjoying it.

I asked her if she was starting to like it.  She said it was just "okay,"
but reminded me that she wasn't a smoker, which I knew.

July 9

Okay, I'm a sneaky Mom.

I find that I don't have to ask Debbie to start cigarettes for me any more.
As soon as her fanny hits the car seat she's rummaging around in my purse
for the cigarettes.  That's okay, she knows how to read me enough to know
when I need one.

Anyway, I decided to try an experiment.  I started up the car and she
started up the cigarette.  Then I told her I forgot something in the house
and went inside, leaving her holding the burning cigarette.  I watched from
an angle where she couldn't see me.

She held the cigarette for a while.  Finally, she took another big drag.
Then another, and another and another, until she finished the whole thing!

I came back and asked her if she was going to light a cigarette for me,
trying to throw her off the trail of knowing that she just smoked a
cigarette and seemed to enjoy it.  The sneak.

Sooner or later she's going to say something, but I figured I'd try to
prompt her.  I asked her if I like starting cigarettes for me.  I didn't
want to seem to eager or angry or anything.  I told her that it was okay if
she did, and I wouldn't be mad.  She said that it was "okay" (there's that
word again!) sometimes and reminded me again that she wasn't a smoker.  Some
identities are hard to accept.

July 14

Deb is going to have to make a choice soon, but she doesn't know it yet.
She's either going to smoke or not.  Today I tortured her a bit by not
letting her start up any cigarettes for me.  We spent the day in, so we
didn't need to drive anywhere.  She must have asked me a dozen times to
light a cigarette for me.  I just said "no."  She's starting to squirm.

July 14 - later

My experiment is working.  I just don't know how I feel about it.

About 8-ish I decided I had to go out to buy cigarettes.  I really didn't
but it was a good excuse.  Like clockwork, as soon as Deb's ass hit the car
seat she was reaching for the cigarettes.  This time she took a drag like
someone who really needed one.  Then the little stinker had the nerve to
take another drag!  I asked her if she'd like her own, and once again I
heard her cry of "I don't smoke."

"Are you sure?" I asked.  This got to her.  I could see the look on her
face.  She wants to smoke, I know she does.  She has just grown to be
someone who doesn't smoke, and that clash is starting to really mess her up.
She'll figure it out somehow, I'm sure.

July 18

D-day.  I knew the day would come, just not so soon.  Today Deb had to face
what she has become, or what I have made her.

Again today brought no deliveries.  Each time I would light a cigarette,
Debbie would watch me all doe-eyed.  She'd ask if I wanted her to start one
for me and I kept telling her "no."  All she has to do is ask.

She made it through the day, which was tough as I must have gone through a
full pack right in front of her.  From time to time I'd blow in her
direction, or leave a burning cigarette in an ashtray for a while, just to
make her nuts.  She needs to decide what she wants.  I'll support her
whichever way it goes.

So, I was up watching Letterman and Deb comes out, claiming she felt
"funny" - sort of shaky and hungry but not hungry.  I knew what was.  She
was having nicotine cravings and didn't even know it.  Many is the time I
was woken by them and had to have a cigarette in the middle of the night
just to make it to the morning.

I suggested she have a cigarette.  Again, since her synapses weren't quite
firing correctly, she didn't know why.

"But I don't smoke, Mom."

"I know.  Have one anyway."

She didn't argue for once.  She took a cigarette and made short work of it.
She was dragging so fast and so hard that smoke was shooting out of her nose
as she was taking another.  And then she lit another and did the same thing
again.

"How did you know?"

Is she nuts?  Anyway, I tried to assure her that it was just a nicotine
craving and it wasn't a bad thing.

"But I don't smoke, Mom."

"I have some bad news for you.  You do."

"No I don't."

Yes, she does, and it's primarily my fault.  This is going to be weird for
me.  I've been a smoker since I was her age, but having my daughter smoke
too will be a little spooky.  But she's always been a good, strong girl, and
I have now cursed her with a weakness.  Fortunately I totally understand,
but it'll take some getting used to.  I mean, it's all part addiction, part
habit/part ritual.  Now we'll share it.  I'm sure it'll be fine.

July 19

Today will mark a new day, whereas me and my daughter are both smokers.  I
know she'll fight it, but I'm determined to make it all okay.

When she came down for breakfast I sat down with her and offered her her
first cigarette of the day.  "Go ahead," I said.  "I'm totally good with
it."

I could tell she felt awkward, but once she lit up I could see the
satisfaction on her face.  Deb has met The Morning Cigarette - the best
cigarette of the day.

She was still struggling.  She needed the nicotine, but still had identity
issues.

"It's okay," I said, "I'll get you through it."  I've been a smoker for a
long time.  I know what she's in for.  I'll try to protect her as best I
can.

We smoked for the rest of the day - sometimes together, sometimes not.  I
still asked her to start cigarettes for me when I drove, but this time she
lit one for herself, too.  There was something warm about this ... something
simple and correct.  I felt very, very close to my daughter for some reason.

July 20

Today I gave Deb sort of a late birthday present - sort of a "smoker's
welcome package" - an ashtray, some disposable lighters, a leather cigarette
case and a carton of cigarettes.  She officially christened her bedroom.

My daughter is a smoker now.  She's going to have to deal with going back to
school soon and dealing with it there.  Frankly, I don't know what she's
going to do, but I'm sure we'll approach it when it happens.

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