Claire, Part 3

Here's Part 3...

Claire's Story

My Aunt Jackie has always treated me like an equal, not like a kid. That's
the main reason I always liked being with her, and I guess it's why I
didn't feel too strange asking her about smoking. I've always been
fascinated by smoking, as long as I can remember. I just sort of knew I
would be a smoker eventually -- maybe it's genetic or something, from mom's
side of the family. I always wanted to try it, and my curiosity finally got
to me. Still, I have to admit I was still pretty surprised when Jackie let
me go ahead and try it, but I was glad she did. Never really having smoked
before, I didn't know what to expect. I honestly didn't like the taste of
it too much at first, but it didn't take very long for me to get used to
it. After a little while I realized that even though smoking was an adult
thing, I had started to like the taste of it. I especially liked the
menthol even though it made my mouth water an awful lot at first. In no
time I started to get the hang of it and it didn't seem too strange. 

At first I just thought it was really cool to be able to blow out smoke but
I didn't really see the point of it. But once I learned how to inhale --
well, that made me understand. That just felt so incredible! I had heard
the word used for years and never really understood what it meant when
people said that a smoker inhaled. At first it kind of burned the back of
my throat and I thought I was going to choke, but that changed really fast,
and then all of a sudden I really started to like it. It was just the
neatest thing, and it was so cool to be able to breathe all that smoke in
and out. It seemed like I could blow out a stream of smoke that lasted
forever. But what really surprised me was that smoking felt good. I guess I
never really thought about that part of it, but I really started to enjoy
the feeling I got when I inhaled. The sensation of feeling the smoke go
down my throat and fill my lungs... it just felt wonderful. I found that I
loved inhaling, just like Jackie said she did. And I guess I started to
like the effect it had on me too. Anyway, I could see now why Jackie and
mom both smoked, and why it was such a big deal for a person who smoked to
say that they inhaled too.

But the most incredible thing for me was when she bought me those VS
Menthol Lights. I had started out on her Kools, but once I tasted those
Virginia Slims I knew they were what I wanted to smoke from then on. They
just seemed perfect for me, not too strong, not too light, and I loved they
way they tasted. They seemed a lot less harsh and just felt so smooth when
I inhaled. And I have to admit I thought they looked a lot better than
hers, too. Anyway, it was just so cool for her to let me have them, and I
think because I had my own pack over at her place, and because I liked the
VS Lights so much, I started smoking more than I did before. The last
couple of months of the school year I really started to look forward to
getting to her place after class just so I could smoke. I sort of realized
what was happening to me, because I remembered that lecture she had given
me. But it didn't matter, because it was such a treat and I just thought
smoking was so cool. The only things I didn't like about it were not being
able to smoke at home, and having to hide it from everybody except Jackie.

That was starting to be a problem too. Especially on weekends when I had to
sneak them from mom. I hated that, but I just would want a cigarette so
bad. Even though mom smokes those Parliament 100s, and they aren't menthol,
so I don't like them as much. It really didn't seem to matter, though, as
long as I could smoke. I guess that's when I realized that what Jackie had
told me was true, and that I was getting cravings just like she said I
would. It's funny though, that part of it didn't bother me at all -- what
did bother me was not being able to smoke when I wanted to. It got so bad
after school ended for the year that I had to give in that day and head
over to Jackie's house just so I could smoke again. And that's the day I
got caught. 

I never felt so panicky in all my life as when I saw mom there that day,
and realized that she was watching me smoke. I guess she was pretty shocked
too, in a different way, because for a few seconds she couldn't seem to say
anything. Then all hell broke loose. She let out a... well, I guess I'd
call it a shriek... and started waving her arms for Jackie to look at me,
like she didn't know what I was doing even though she was sitting right
there. I didn't know what to do, and to tell you the truth I don't remember
exactly what I did because I was so shocked. I do remember Jackie laughing,
and being her usual cool self though. She took charge of the situation and
saved my butt, so to speak.

"Judy.... come here, please. Claire, you stay here too. Judy, have a seat,
and calm down. It's OK. Let me tell you what's gone on," she started. Mom
came over, still pretty upset, and gave me a look like she wanted to kill
me. But she sat down at the table, still staring at me, probably because I
was still holding the cigarette. I was frozen, and pretty sure that I was
shaking all over. It was like time had stopped or something. I felt almost
sick, and none of my senses seemed to be working right.

Jackie started to tell mom what had happened. Every now and then mom would
interrupt her, but Jackie kept calm and just continued with the story. She
told her how I had asked her to let me try smoking, and how she had made me
promise only to do it with her. she said something about how she had tried
to get me to tell mom, and how she herself had tried to discuss it with
her, and about how they had started themselves at my age. I really don't
remember all of it. It was almost like I wasn't there. I remember I had to
knock some ash off the cigarette after a while, and when I did I wanted to
take a puff so bad. But I remember the instant that I moved my hand towards
the ashtray mom gave me another one of those looks, and I didn't dare. 

Finally after listening to Jackie for a while and arguing with her a
little, mom seemed to calm down. I had put out the cigarette by then and I
was just waiting for whatever was going to happen. Finally, mom turned to
face me. "Claire, I am extremely disappointed in you," she started, and I
felt really guilty. "I don't understand why you'd ever do such a thing as
this. And with your aunt's approval no less! Well, that's an issue for
another time," she said, looking at Jackie like she wanted to kill her.
"Right now, let's go home. We need to have a talk. I'll take these," she
said, grabbing my pack of Virginia Slims and putting them into her purse.

The ride home was really awful. Mom didn't say a word and I was too scared
to either. I still felt like I was going to be sick. When we got home
finally, she took me into the family room and sat me down. Thank god there
was no one else there. She started in right away. "Claire, I want you to be
totally honest with me. I heard Jackie's version of what happened, but now
I want to hear it from you. I want to know everything about how you started
smoking. And why."

At least she was semi-reasonable. I was afraid she'd go ballistic like she
had at Jackie's house, but she seemed to have calmed down some. So I
figured I had better be straight with her, and I told her pretty much
everything. She just sat there, shaking her head every now and then or
making some kind of frustrated sound. I was really nervous, and I found it
kind of hard to think straight or say what I meant. But at least she didn't
jump all over me, and when I was finished, she just sat there for a moment.
Finally, she just looked at me for a long time before she said, "So... what
do you think I should do about this?"

That caught me off guard, because I didn't expect her to let me have much
say in what was going to happen to me. I told her exactly what I thought,
which was "Well, I would really like it if you would just let me smoke." 

She just shook her head. "God, Claire, you sure have a way of understating
things. It isn't quite that easy. What would your father say, number one?
Or your sister, and especially your grandparents... good lord, your dad's
folks would go nuts. Plus the fact that you're not supposed to be smoking,
period, at your age. I know how much you hate hearing this, but remember,
Claire, you're still only 14. Would you expect to just get away with it
scot-free?"

"I guess not, mom," I answered. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I
really was trying to find a way to tell you about it. But I do wish I could
smoke, at least a little. I really would like to...."

"And if I say no, you'll just find a way to do it anyway, won't you?" she
interrupted. I had to be truthful with her, and I nodded yes. Mom just
sighed and shook her head. "Right, that's what I figured. Well, I have to
give you points for honesty now, if nothing else. Let me think about it for
a while, OK? In the meantime, don't say a word to anyone about this, and I
won't either until I decide what to do." 

I was amazed at how she had calmed down so much, so quickly. Still, I was
really worried, especially when a couple of hours had passed with me in my
room without so much as a word from her. Finally there was a knock at my
door and she came in, closing the door behind her. "How are you doing?,"
she asked me, putting her hand on my neck and giving me a little hug. She
was smiling, and spoke very softly.

"OK, I guess," I said. "Mom, I'm sorry if I...."

She just held up her hand to stop me. "Don't worry about it, honey," she
said. "I know it must not have been much fun for you either. I was pretty
upset with you, but I'm OK now. I've been doing a lot of thinking too. I've
decided that there isn't much point in lowering the boom on you for this.
What you did isn't all that much different from what I did at your age. If
you're anything at all like me I know that you enjoy it. And I saw today
that you're inhaling, so I know you've gotten used to it and probably would
like to continue. But there's no point in turning you into a sneak. So, I'm
prepared to give you permission to smoke under certain conditions -- a lot
of them."

I honestly never expected her to say that. All I could manage to say to her
was "Really? You're really going to let me smoke? I can't believe it,
that's so cool... but what do you mean by conditions?"   

"You are to smoke only here at home, number one. Nowhere else without
permission... except maybe your Aunt Jackie's I guess," she said. "We will
keep this within the family for now. We'll have to find a way to tell your
father and your sister too."

To me, that was even a bigger obstacle than what had already happened. For
some reason, telling them was the last thing I wanted mom to do, and my
smoking in front of dad seemed impossible too. I blurted out, "Do we have
to tell them right away? Couldn't I just keep it between us for now? I'm
not sure I'm ready for that yet."

"How are you going to keep it from them? You can't very well hide it
forever, Claire. What would you suggest?"

"What if I were to only smoke with you? At least until I'm more certain of
things? I promise, mom, I'll tell them soon. I just need a little more time
to get my head around this. Do you think that might work?"   

"Well, I don't know," mom went on. "I'm not around all that much since I
work all the time. How are you going to smoke just with me if I'm not here?
I can't see how that would work."

She was right, of course. I only saw mom first thing in the morning, and in
the evenings, except on weekends. Now that I was on summer vacation I would
be home all day with Jen and she would probably have to find out sooner or
later. I figured I would have to find a way to tell her. "OK, mom, I'll let
Jen know. But give me a little while before daddy finds out, OK? I don't
know how I want to handle that just yet."

"All, right, Claire. When Jen gets home I'll tell her, if that's what you
want. I'll swear her to secrecy," she laughed. "Now, back to why I came in
here in the first place. Here," she said, reaching into her pocket and
pulling out my Virginia Slims pack. " I assume those were the ones Jackie
said she bought for you. Is that what you want to keep on smoking?" 

"Yeah, they're the menthol lights that she got me. I sort of like them."  

"All right. Let's go into the living room, and have a cigarette together,
OK?," she smiled. I felt a rush, both one of excitement, at smoking with
mom, and anxiety...  at smoking in front of mom. But I managed to follow
her into the living room and sat down in the armchair next to the sofa. Mom
took the end seat on the sofa, and moved the big cut-glass ashtray that
almost never got used onto the table between us. She pulled out one of her
Parliament 100s but just held it between her fingers while she waited for
me to get one of my VS Menthols out of the pack. I was really nervous and I
could barely manage to do it. As soon as I did, she reached over and
offered me a light. It seemed bizarre having mom light me, and even more
strange when I leaned back in the chair and realized I was sitting there
alongside mom with a cigarette in my hand. But by now I was just dying to
smoke, so all of those thoughts disappeared at the prospect of being
finally able to have a cigarette. I was still really nervous the first
couple of times I took puffs in front of mom, but it was almost as though I
was more worried that she would say I wasn't doing it right. She watched me
take a few puffs and I felt really self-conscious. But all she said was,
"You look like you've been smoking for years, Claire. You do it very well,"
and she didn't make a big fuss at all. By the time we had finished smoking,
it felt almost natural to smoke with mom. About an hour later, I felt like
having another one when I saw that she had lit up again, and even though I
was still a little nervous she didn't say anything, not one word. I thought
that was really neat! It really made me feel grown-up to smoke with her,
and it felt really good.

She asked me then about my supply. I told her that these were the only ones
I had, and that it looked like there were 6 left in the pack. "Well, I
guess I'll have to pick some up for you," she offered. "Remember, you'll
have to be careful to empty the ashtrays if you don't want your dad to
know, since they look different from mine. And be careful, please! Try not
to burn the place down on us."

I found it amazing how her attitude had changed so quickly. Not only was
she suddenly accepting of me starting to smoke, she was actually making
jokes about it. I agreed, and then she said, "Well, we never did get around
to shopping. Want to go now?" Off we went to the mall, and while we were
there she surprised me again when we went into the supermarket by picking
up her usual weekly carton of Parliament 100s for herself plus a carton of
VS Menthol Lights for me, along with a lighter. I told her a carton seemed
like an awful lot, but she said she didn't want me running out and besides,
they were cheaper that way. I didn't argue with her.

Once we got home, I helped her unpack the groceries. I didn't know exactly
what to do with my carton, and she suggested that I put them in the dresser
drawer in my bedroom since it was still our little secret. As I headed off
to my room, carton in hand, she called after me, "Bring your pack back out
here after you put them away and let's have a cigarette together. I want to
try one of yours." Since only the two of us were still home, I wasn't
worried about anyone else finding me out, but now I felt strange about her
smoking one of my cigarettes. This time she let me do the lighting-up
honours, and she said she found my brand a little lighter than hers. I
tried another of her Parliaments, but still didn't like them as much as my
own. They weren't mentholated, which was what I was used to, they sort of
burned the back of my throat, and I could really feel them in my lungs when
I inhaled, which was actually sort of neat. I almost felt like I was going
to choke on them a couple of times, but I got used to it. 

Just after we had finished that round of cigarettes, my sister Jen returned
home. As soon as she entered the family room, mom started to tell her that
I had started smoking. The look on Jen's face was really something! At
first I don't think she believed mom at all, then she looked at me like I
had committed some sort of crime or something. Mom really handled it well,
though, explaining how I would tell daddy on my own in a few days, but that
until then, it was our secret and that she wasn't to breathe a word. I
don't think Jen liked the idea of my smoking, nor that she had to be a part
of our keeping it from dad, but she reluctantly agreed. She insisted on
seeing me smoke, though, and when she started to give me a little grief
about it after I lit up, mom jumped in and cut her off right away. She laid
down the law about leaving me alone, and Jen eventually accepted those
terms and clammed up. Having that cigarette so soon after the other one
made me feel a little buzzed, and I only had one more later that day. 

It actually worked out pretty good at first. Dad always went off and played
golf on weekend mornings, so I was able to smoke pretty much whenever I
wanted until after lunch. In the afternoons and evenings I had to be a
little more careful, and I tended not to smoke nearly as much when he was
home. It didn't really bother me that much. Same way through the week. Jen
had gotten a job that summer and mostly I was home by myself during the
day, so I could have a cigarette whenever I felt like it. Even when she was
around she didn't hassle me too much about it, though it seemed to me that
she stared at me a lot when I smoked in front of her. One thing I did
notice was that I was smoking a little more than before. Not much, probably
6 or 7 a day by the end of the second week. I started to not even think
about it anymore when I smoked, and it started to seem normal for me to
have a cigarette at certain times, like after a meal. I was a lot more
comfortable with the whole act of smoking. It was fun, it felt good, and I
liked the way it made me feel grown-up.  I just made sure that there were
no traces left by the time dad got home for dinner. If I felt like having
one in the evening, I'd make sure I knew where he was and I'd go somewhere
else before lighting up. I know it must seem strange, but he always put me
on a pedestal and it just seemed like an impossible thing for me to tell
him about my smoking. I think I was almost looking to get caught rather
than having to tell him straight-out what was going on. The way I looked at
it, I was now able to smoke when I felt like it without him having to know,
and that was just fine as far as I was concerned. Mom and Jen started to
bug me a little about telling him after about the second week, though, and
I knew I would eventually have to do something about it. Especially after
mom and I went away for the wedding of my cousin Suzanne that third weekend
after I started. That really changed things.


Judy's Story

I just couldn't believe what I saw that day at Jackie's place. My little
girl, sitting there with my sister, smoking. I was really upset, more with
Jackie than with Claire. But once I calmed down and had a chance to think
about it, I realized that the messages were there all along, and I was just
too busy or preoccupied to take notice of them. The conversation Jackie and
I had one day, the way Claire sometimes smelled smoky when we picked her up
at Jackie's place, even that "cold" she seemed to have for the last while
that gave her a little cough and never seemed to go away. I should have
picked up on the signs. But I was so wrapped up in my work that I just
missed them. Once I realized that there was no big conspiracy at work here,
I was able to deal a little more rationally with the situation.

What I realized was that Claire was just carrying on the family tradition.
We all started smoking around her age on my side of the family, and it was
no big deal back then. Even though it's a much more sensitive matter today,
I couldn't see much point in prohibiting her from smoking. Not only would
it be hypocritical of me, but it wouldn't do any good. According to Jackie
she'd been smoking for almost a year, and she'd been having 3 or 4
cigarettes a day for at least 6 months. Plus she inhaled too, and according
to Jackie, she had almost right from the beginning. So I had little doubt
that Claire was really a smoker now, and knew she wasn't likely to stop
just because I might not like it. So I figured I'd just make the best of
it, let her smoke, and not make a big deal about it. Maybe the novelty
would wear off after a while.

She seemed to have a big problem with telling her father about it. I think
she made it out to be a bigger issue in her mind than it really was, but I
wasn't going to embarrass her by spilling the beans without her consent. I
did my best to convince her that Frank had to be told, and soon, but she
seemed content to smoke around the house during the day and occasionally
with me in the evenings when he was somewhere else. That took a little
getting used to. The day I gave Claire permission to smoke, I made her have
one with me just to see how much of a smoker she really was. All I had seen
her do at Jackie's was hold a cigarette, and I'd never really seen her take
a puff.  It didn't seem real watching Claire smoke for the first time, and
I have to admit I felt really guilty, thinking that I had sown the seeds
that had caused her habit to blossom. I tried to push those thoughts out of
my mind and concentrate on analyzing Claire's smoking objectively. I was
hoping to see her smoke like a beginner but no such luck. She obviously had
watched all of the smokers in the family for a long time and she had
learned well. She smoked almost exactly like Jackie and I did, even right
down to the way she held the cigarette. It was totally Claire, totally
cool, totally perfect. She already took good-sized puffs and her inhales
told me all I needed to know -- that it wasn't just a curiosity anymore,
and that Claire already had to be close to being hooked too. She looked
totally at ease with it, like she had been born to smoke. Looking back at
our family history, maybe she had. Anyway, once I saw that performance, I
knew that I had made the right decision by not prohibiting her from doing
it. She was already a smoker, that's for sure.

She kept on smoking semi-secretly for a couple of weeks. Because of that I
don't think she really smoked all that much at first. Whenever Frank was
out and I was home, I knew now to expect her to have one or two with me,
and otherwise I guess she would secretly smoke if she needed to when he was
around. But except for me and Jen knowing otherwise, it was as if nothing
had changed. I was starting to be a little bothered by her reluctance to
come clean with her father, but didn't force the issue. In the middle of
July, Claire and I represented the family at Beth's daughter Suzanne's
wedding. Jen had to work that weekend, and Frank was committed to some sort
of club event. Since Beth and her family live 2 states away we really
weren't all expected to drop everything and go to Susie's wedding anyway,
but Claire and I decided to go and make a weekend of it. It was about a
6-hour drive, and we were leaving midday Friday after I managed to get the
decks cleared at work and leave early. The wedding was Saturday, and we
were going to return home on Sunday.

It took about a half-hour to battle the early weekend traffic and get to
the Interstate. Once we got rolling, I was dying for a cigarette -- I don't
like smoking while driving in heavy traffic -- so I found my pack and lit
up. It didn't take me long to notice that Claire was watching me closely,
and it didn't take a genius to guess that she probably felt like smoking
too. I hadn't let her smoke in the car before, nor had she asked to, but I
figured now was as good a time as any. I didn't have any particular
ulterior motive. It seemed to me that Claire was very repressed with her
true feelings about her smoking, and I knew that wasn't very healthy.   

"Claire, if you want to smoke, go ahead," I said.

"What? Here? Really?" she responded.

"Well, sure, why not?," I replied. "Who's going to know?"

"I just never thought about it before," she answered. 

"May as well enjoy yourself this weekend," I offered. "This is sort of a
vacation for both of us."

"Yeah, well... OK," she said, and started rummaging through her bag for her
cigarettes. She had brought one pack, unopened, and expected that to do her
for the weekend. It might have on a normal weekend, but not this time. What
hadn't occurred to me was that by helping Claire get over her repressed
thoughts regarding smoking, I would also lead her to become much more of a
devoted smoker than ever. I'll let her tell you how she did it.

==

End of Part 3

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