The Crusader, Part 2

The Crusader (Part 2)

Laurie concluded her story by describing how she smoked a few more
cigarettes with her mom later that first day and realizing that by opening
up about her smoking, it had allowed her to smoke more often than would
otherwise have been possible. "If you really think you want to smoke, Tam,
then I think you should tell your mom about it, especially if she smokes
herself," she offered. "Like, what can she do to you, anyway?," she asked as
Tammy began to consider the possibility. She told them how her intake
immediately jumped from her previously minimal level to 5 or 6 a day, but
that she still only felt comfortable smoking at home. "I hadn't really
smoked all that much before mom said it was OK, so it wasn't something that
I took to right away," she explained. "But she would always offer me one
after we ate or whenever, and I gradually got used to it. After a little
while I started to look forward to having one now and then with mom, and I
was really liking it a lot more. Around that time I started to use my own
pack so I wouldn't have to bother mom all the time." She said that over the
next month or so, as school let out for summer holidays, she had developed a
light but steady habit by smoking with Katie and on her own at regular times
throughout the day, but explained that she still wasn't at ease smoking
elsewhere despite Katie's casual attitude towards it.

"Wow, that's an incredible story," Jenny exclaimed. "Your mom must be really
cool. No way would mine ever do anything like that! You're really lucky. But
you sure don't seem to be uncomfortable smoking now. You smoke all the time
when you're with us. When did that change?"

"It's funny... like, even though mom said it was OK for me to smoke and all,
and even though I sort of liked it after a while, I didn't really do it much
at first," Laurie explained. "I mean, it just didn't seem natural or
something, I don't know what exactly. I know I'd never smoke with her if we
were eating out or whatever, even when she would offer me one.  I guess I
was still nervous about how people might react or something. So I didn't
smoke all that much at the start, even though I could have if I wanted to.
But what happened was that last summer mom got me a job at the country club,
and that's when it all changed."

Tammy and Jenny looked questioningly at Laurie as she lit up another Salem
before continuing. "What happened was that she got me this job out there.
They hire a bunch of kids every summer to do all sorts of things,
groundskeeping, working in the kitchen, whatever. Most of the time I got to
work in the halfway house. That's the little canteen way out on the far end
of the course where the golfers stop for a break before finishing their
games. I was glad for that assignment because I really didn't want to be
mowing grass all summer or working on the course. Plus I didn't have to get
all dirty and sweaty, and they gave me a couple of outfits with the club
logo on them to wear, so that was good too. Some days it was really busy,
but a lot of the time there was hardly anything to do, especially in the
afternoons or when the weather wasn't so great. I mean, like how many times
can you tend the hot dog machine if no one's around? It was a good job and
you got to see some nice people, but a lot of the time I was there all by
myself. I would bring a book with me or whatever to pass the time, but it
was pretty dull."

"They didn't mind if you smoked there and I saw that Jody, the girl who
worked there last year and showed me the ropes the first few days, was able
to smoke while she worked and so I had a couple with her the first day or
two. After a while I asked mom about it and she didn't have a problem with
it, so I started to take my cigarettes with me every morning when she drove
me out there. I just smoked when I was bored and had nothing to do, which
was a lot of the time. Even when the course was busy, you had 10 minutes
between customers so there was lots of time to fill. I was able to smoke all
day long if I wanted to. At first I didn't. I just would have a few now and
then during the day when no one was around, but after a month or so I
noticed that I was smoking a little more, even when we were busy. I was a
little nervous the first few times that people came up to the window and saw
me smoking, and I'd have to put it in the ashtray while I served them, but
nobody ever said anything. Actually I kind of enjoyed that after a bit,
letting people see me smoke. It just seemed as though I felt like having one
more often, and since no one minded and I liked it I figured why not? I
never really thought about it much. The weird thing was that once I got home
at night I would smoke more there too. I guess that's when I really got into
it. By around the first of August I would take a new pack from home every
morning before I left and most of it would be gone by the time I went to
bed. I would smoke on and off during the day and after a while it didn't
seem so strange anymore. I just started to feel like I wanted to have a
cigarette a lot more often than I did before, I guess, and by the time the
summer was over I was smoking all the time, with mom in the car, whenever we
went out, or just by myself. So that's how I got hooked," she concluded with
a grin. 

True enough, with an endless supply of Salem 100s always at hand thanks to
her mom and ample opportunity to indulge herself every day, Laurie started
to smoke more with each passing week. As she did her body continued to
adjust to the increasing doses of nicotine she was feeding herself and soon
began to demand a steady supply. Within a month she found herself becoming
comfortable with being able to puff away at a nearly a pack a day pace as
she discovered that it was both enjoyable and perfectly acceptable for her
to smoke freely throughout the day. Her smoking habit now started to affect
her actions even more, as she now gradually began to take even longer puffs
on her cigarettes, inhaling them more deeply into her lungs as her habit
began to mature and her body's desire for nicotine became fully developed.
Laurie was aware of her more frequent smoking as the days passed but gave it
little thought other than that she was often feeling an urge to smoke now
and took delight in satisfying it. It had become a natural thing for her to
do and she never gave it a second thought anymore.

Jenny was struck by Laurie's last comment. "Hooked? Do you really think
so?," she asked. "Like, how do you know?"

Laurie laughed sardonically. "Well, you should watch me when I have to go
without for more than a few hours," she said. "I go nuts now when I can't
smoke. Yeah, I'm hooked, no question. Don't get me wrong, it's not that it
bothers me a whole lot or anything, because I really do like smoking now.
But it's more than just liking to smoke... it's like I've got to have them
sometimes. I didn't really realize it at first, I just thought that I was
liking it and missed it when I couldn't smoke. But I mentioned it to mom
once and she said that she gets really bad cravings sometimes. She said that
if I was feeling them too then I was probably hooked now like she was.  I
just know that I really need them sometimes. Mom and I are both the same.
When we get up in the morning we both smoke a lot the first hour or so, like
maybe 3 or 4, because it just feels so good to smoke then. I guess we're
both real smokers, mom and I. Trust me, if you smoke enough for long enough,
you'll get just like us. You'll really start to crave them."

Jenny and Tammy were fascinated by Laurie's story. They had never heard
anyone ever describe firsthand how their smoking had affected them and to
hear Laurie talk about it somehow made both of them want to emulate her
example. Both of them struggled with how they would go about doing that,
though, because they knew their parents would react very differently than
did Laurie's mom. Over the next few weeks while they both procrastinated
with how to deal with the subject they continued their secret smoking habits
and felt increasingly envious of Laurie's freedom to smoke whenever she
wanted. Finally, though, for one of the girls the situation changed.

One day early in summer vacation Tammy's mom spotted a pack of cigarettes in
her daughter's open purse. When Tammy entered the room she immediately
confronted her. "Tammy, I have to ask you a question and I want you to be
totally honest. Have you started to smoke?" she demanded hotly. Although
caught off guard Tammy retained her composure. She considered the question
for a moment before deciding to answer truthfully. 

"Yes, mom, I have," she answered boldly.

"Oh no, Tammy, why?" her mother exclaimed. "You know they're bad for you."

"But mom, you smoke. I got them from you," she answered. "How can you say
that I shouldn't?"

"Honey, I know, but you're too young to be smoking... and it's such a awful
habit. I wish I had never started myself and I'm so disappointed in you. How
long has this been going on?"

"A few months now. Right after I started in 9th grade, I guess. I really
like it mom," Tammy answered hopefully.

"Do you smoke every day?" Barbara asked. Tammy nodded in the affirmative.
Barbara sighed, "So how many? Be honest."

"Oh, I don't know... 6 or 7 maybe," her daughter replied offhandedly.

Barbara considered this last answer for a moment and felt discouraged. Tammy
obviously had progressed past mere curiosity and she now wanted to know
exactly how far this had gone. "I suppose that you inhale?" she asked.

"Oh sure," Tammy replied casually.

Barbara Sommers sighed and considered the situation momentarily. She
believed that it was her own smoking that had probably tempted her young
daughter to try it and she suddenly felt extremely guilty about her weakness
in continuing to smoke for all these years and being such a bad example. She
thought back to when she was Tammy's age and her own first forays with
smoking. Barbie had sneaked her first few illicit puffs from her mother's
cigarettes at age 10. At 11 years of age she was stealing entire cigarettes
and before long she discovered the pleasures of inhaling. The act and
sensation of smoking this way soon convinced her to continue, so that by the
time she was 13 she was smoking several cigarettes a day, was experiencing
the onset of cravings, and had decided to fully embrace the habit.  She
remembered how she hated keeping it a secret from her parents at first and
how once she decided to tell them, they had made her feel like a pariah.
Their constant criticism and endless sniping only made her smoke even more
in protest. It ruined whatever pleasure she got from smoking but never made
her stop. Nothing would have, she figured, since there was just something
about breathing in smoke that seemed so incredibly irresistible. Now she had
been hopelessly hooked for years and knew the toll it could take, but still
enjoyed it too much to find the motivation to quit. Barbara hated herself
for not being able to quit and felt even worse now as she blamed herself for
tempting Tammy to pick up the habit. She wished parentally that her young
daughter had never tried her first cigarette. The thought of her 15-year-old
daughter giving herself over to smoking like she had was disturbing and she
was deeply troubled by the prospect of Tammy smoking on a regular basis. She
was just so young, Barbara reflected. But she also knew that Tammy had
smoked enough that she would not likely stop now regardless of what tactics
she tried.

"I suppose you're going to tell me you'd like to continue to smoke, aren't
you?," Barbara asked her daughter resignedly. Tammy managed a smile and
nodded. Barbara thought for a moment longer and reluctantly reached a
decision. "Well I guess I have to give you permission then. I don't want you
to smoke but I can't make you quit. But I'm going to keep an eye on you to
make sure you don't smoke too much," she threatened. She rationalized that a
condoned but controlled habit was probably better in the long run than a
secret one. "You know that you'll get hooked on them eventually and won't be
able to quit if you keep it up," she warned. Tammy immediately thought about
Laurie's story and suddenly felt excited at the prospect of experiencing the
same thing. Her mother continued, "Promise me Tammy, please, that you'll try
to quit someday. But for now, go ahead and smoke around here from now on. I
just don't want you to hide it any more."

"Oh mom... thanks," Tammy responded with a relieved smile. She had been
alarmed when her mother first discovered her secret but now she couldn't
believe her good fortune. Suddenly she thought of a problem. "What about
daddy? Will you tell him?"

"I'll discuss it with him" Barbara answered. "I'm sure he won't like it
either but I'll deal with it for you." Barbara suddenly decided to deal with
one other issue now. "Would you like to have a cigarette now Tammy?" she
asked with a curious smile. Surprised, Tammy paused a moment before nodding
yes. "Well, c'mon, let's both have one then," Barbara responded. "I'm
curious to see my little lady have a cigarette." Tammy felt self-conscious
at that remark but reached into her purse and nervously took out her
Virginia Slims. She awkwardly offered one to her mother then took one for
herself. Barbara picked up her lighter and lit Tammy's cigarette for her,
then her own. She witnessed her pretty blonde-haired daughter confidently
inhale her first puff in front of her and realized that she had been telling
the truth. Her heart sank at the realization that her daughter was a smoker,
and she thought about what it would be like having to watch Tammy get more
devoted to the habit each day.

That night after dinner while the family was sitting around the table
Barbara decided to break the news to her husband Frank. As they lit up their
customary after-dinner cigarettes, she looked at Tammy and cleared her
throat. "Tammy and I had a talk today, honey, and there's something you need
to know. Tammy has taken up smoking. Now don't be angry, it's no one's fault
but mine. I shouldn't have been so careless in leaving cigarettes around
where she would be tempted. She's been smoking for a while and told me that
she doesn't plan to stop. I decided to give her permission to smoke. She
just didn't want it to be a secret any more." Frank was disturbed by the
news and looked disapprovingly at Tammy who lowered her head in
embarrassment, but after talking a little more with Barbara he soon accepted
that there was little to do but agree. He gave his approval and Tammy
immediately accepted a VS100 offered to her by her mother. She felt strange
smoking with her parents but accepted a light from her father and took a
long drag while smiling through her self-consciousness. She inhaled the big
puff deeply and filled her lungs with the satisfying smoke she now craved.
The strangeness she had first felt as she smoked with her parents after
their meal quickly dissipated.

Not surprisingly, Tammy began to smoke more now that she had received
permission. With secrecy no longer required she began the inexorable journey
towards becoming a committed smoker. Tammy had to show a little restraint at
first since her mom was monitoring her smoking and would not provide her
with more than a pack every two days. Nevertheless she was truly enjoying
being able to smoke openly and soon was trying to find a way to allow her to
smoke more as she felt her desire for cigarettes grow stronger. Almost
immediately she was consuming better than half a pack a day thanks to a few
she would get from Laurie each day in addition to her own supply and her
habit was getting more firmly rooted each week. Within a few months she had
started to try and coax her mother into giving her a larger supply of
cigarettes each day, and was now filching cigarettes from Barbara's pack at
every opportunity. 

Barbara had watched with resignation over the months as Tammy's habit
developed surprisingly quickly. Barbara hadn't been able to quite get used
to the sight of her daughter breezing into the room accompanied by a cloud
of cigarette smoke, or the incongruous sight of her sunning herself on the
deck in a bathing suit, reading her teenage magazines while inhaling deeply
on a cigarette. She watched in disappointment as Tammy grew to puff long,
deep and often on her daily quota as she enjoyed her new freedom. Barbara
realized that Tammy was now a full-fledged smoker after noticing Tammy
liberating cigarettes from her pack with growing regularity after consuming
her daily ration. She finally decided to give up the battle and let Tammy
fully satisfy her growing urge to smoke. After a short period of listening
to Tammy's pleas, Barbara Sommers finally yielded to her daughter's
persuasion and allowed Tammy to have a pack each day. Tammy quickly
exploited her new situation and within another few weeks she had increased
her intake to 20 a day. Smoking felt better than ever to her now as the
enjoyment of her habit grew and she now completely understood what Laurie
had told her about needing to smoke. She felt real cravings now, unlike the
ones she had imagined earlier, and she never missed an opportunity to have
another cigarette, either with her friends, her parents, or on her own.

Meanwhile, Laurie spent her second summer as a smoker back at the country
club. Once more she was assigned duty at the halfway house and this year she
loved the job. Every day she would bring a supply of magazines and a fresh
pack of cigarettes with her to the club, and she enjoyed being able to smoke
all day long while she worked. By now Laurie was permitting herself a pack
and a half a day, almost as much as her mom, and like her she now regularly
felt intense cravings for a cigarette. Laurie needed to constantly fill her
lungs with the cool smoke of her Salem 100s and was never without them now.
They had become a part of how she saw herself and she realized that she now
was a heavy smoker, and was also quite addicted. Despite the occasional mild
cough and throaty voice she had recently developed, she also credited
smoking with helping her to lose some of her baby fat over the last year as
her appetite for food diminished and her body became lean and hard after she
joined her mom's exercise class at Katie's insistence. 

Katie had observed the growth and development of Laurie's habit over the
course of the summer. She noted that Laurie had now developed a smoking
style very similar to her own, and concluded that her daughter was probably
every bit as much a smoker these days as she was herself, and therefore
needed to do something to offset the negative effects of her heavy smoking.
She now insisted that her daughter join her several times a week at her
exercise class. Laurie found the exercise extremely difficult at first and
her lungs burned in fierce protest as she gasped for breath the first few
weeks during even moderate workouts. She knew that her smoking was the
reason for her trouble and wanted to quit the exercise program, telling her
mom that she just couldn't keep up. But Katie made her go on, explaining
that it was vital for her to try and keep her lungs in shape now if she was
to continue to be a smoker. Strangely somehow, she found this gave her
motivation to endure and over time it became easier, so that the hardest
part of the routine now was putting up with the disapproving stares of
others as she and her mom would light up in the car on their way out of the
health club parking lot afterwards. Like her mom, Laurie knew deep down
inside that she probably couldn't quit smoking now even if she wanted to. It
brought her a consistent, subtle but constant pleasure that she knew she
didn't want to do without, and when she thought about smoking at all these
days it was only when she was suffering from a craving that made her long
for the moment when she would be able to enjoy her next Salem.

Jenny was frustrated when she was with her friends who were now smoking all
the time it seemed. She could only smoke at certain times through the day
and after talking with Laurie and Tammy about it in the fall after their
return to school she knew she now wanted to smoke regularly as well. Jenny
didn't really want to smoke to the same extent as her friends - she could
never imagine herself smoking constantly the way they both did now - but
still, she did enjoy it a great deal, and was having a real struggle with
needing to keep it a secret from her mom. It made her feel guilty and
stressed-out to hide it from Joanne, and she thought if only she could have
a few a day with her mom's permission it would seem so much better. All
three of the girls had now started high school and in the new, much larger
institution they now attended it seemed that all of their fellow students
smoked. Having to run a gauntlet of teenage smokers crowding outside the
entrance each morning and afternoon, Jenny finally decided she too would
approach her mother and ask permission to smoke, but she knew it wouldn't be
easy. 

Joanne Davis was divorced from her husband and had raised Jenny alone for
many years. Joanne was a public relations professional and cultivated her
professional look via well-coiffed reddish-brown hair and fashionable
clothes, vital assets if one was to appear before the media regularly as she
did. She was the spokesperson for a political-action group which recently
had undertaken a major lobby effort against teenage smoking, among other
causes. Her smooth delivery and polished manner quickly made her a favorite
subject for the local TV news shows, and she soon was a fixture whenever
they did a feature bemoaning the evils of smoking. Joanne was a conservative
herself and believed in the traditional values of family, church and a
standard of behaviour that seemed to be out of fashion these days. Joanne
was proud of her pretty dark-haired daughter for she had always done well in
school and had always been a good child who had never caused her a problem.
She had an excellent relationship with Jenny and when her daughter
approached her one night after dinner asking to talk about something it did
not seem unusual.

Jenny decided to approach the matter directly. Summoning all of her courage
she took a deep breath as her heart pounded nervously. "Mom, I wanted to
tell you that I've been smoking. I know it's bad for me and all but I like
it and I want to be able to smoke without having to hide it all the time,"
she said, the words suddenly just pouring out in a torrent. She let out her
breath and watched the stunned reaction on her mom's face. All the color
seemed to drain out of Joanne as she fought to maintain control. Measuring
her words carefully she answered her daughter.

"I... I can't believe it. Jenny, why? It's such a bad thing you've done.
You've never done anything like that before. Smoking is just horrible,
honey. You know that... you've seen me on TV talking about it and you know
that's what we've been working to stop. Oh Jenny, how could you? You've made
a joke out of everything I stand for. I appreciate you telling me but you
must stop right now. I can't permit you to continue." 

This was the last thing Jenny expected to hear. She knew her mom was opposed
to smoking but she didn't think it would be prohibited so quickly. She tried
to reason with her mother. "But mom all of my friends smoke and their folks
let them do it. Why can't I? Can't we talk about this some?"

"No! It's out of the question. You're way too young to smoke anyway and
regardless I don't permit smoking in this house. That's it. No discussion. I
simply cannot allow it. If the people at the office ever found out, I'd be
finished. No more, Jenny," she ordered sternly.

Jenny began to feel angry with her mom's rigid attitude. "Mom I've been
smoking for months now and I like it.  I don't want to stop. I thought we
could at least discuss it. Don't you think you're being unreasonable? I
guess I'll just have to smoke behind your back or something then," she said
with a tone of defiance creeping into her voice.

Joanne listened to her daughter talk to her in a way she never had before.
She was insisting on being able to smoke and was not willing to back down.
Nevertheless Joanne could not bring herself to permit her daughter to do
something she herself hated. "Fine then. We'll see how much smoking you can
do behind my back when you're grounded. Home and school, that's it. I will
not permit you to kill yourself."

Jenny threw up her hands in exasperation and fled to her room. She was
extremely upset and could not understand her mother's stubbornness. After
laying on her bed for a while she began to consider her situation and scheme
ways she could continue to smoke. Her mom had to work each day and so could
not practically monitor her all the time during the day. Jenny figured she
would just continue to smoke in secret before and after school with her
friends and make do the best she could at other times.

Joanne was extremely disappointed in her daughter. She couldn't understand
why Jenny had decided to smoke and was stunned that she had. Smoking was
something she had always despised and she had been happy to see it fall out
of favor during the past few years. She had gladly taken on the job of
spokesperson for the anti-smoking lobby and believed what she said publicly.
Now she was faced with her daughter having been enticed to smoke and not
wanting to give it up. She considered the power it must have and thought
about how close Jenny was to being like the other people she looked down on
who were too weak to stop their filthy and deadly habit. 

Jenny told her story to her friends the next day at school. Tammy and Laurie
couldn't understand Jenny's mom's unreasonable attitude and quickly offered
their support to let her continue to smoke when she was with them. She
planned some precautions including having Tammy hold her pack of cigarettes
for her so any search would reveal nothing, and took to carrying a
toothbrush and toothpaste in her purse along with mints, gum, breath
freshener and cologne so she could cover up the smell. By saving her
allowance and scrimping on lunch she had enough money to buy a pack of
cigarettes every three days or so. With this method she was able to continue
her smoking and actually managed to increase her intake over the next couple
of months since she would smoke heavily during the short times she could get
away with it, while her friends took sympathy on her and were quick to offer
her cigarettes whenever she was around. 

Jenny continued her secret smoking over the next few months as Joanne's
monitoring of her behaviour became less severe. One day near Christmas,
though, she allowed herself to get careless and her mom discovered a pack of
cigarettes in a jacket she was taking to the cleaners. Jenny had taken to
keeping cigarettes herself again so she could smoke when her mom was out of
the house. Joanne was outraged at her daughter's deception and realized
finally that she was powerless to keep her from smoking. After a few days of
consternation and fighting with her daughter she resigned herself to the
fact and following another heated argument, agreed to look the other way and
grudgingly gave Jenny permission to smoke, extracting a promise that she
would not smoke in front of Joanne's coworkers. Joanne hated the idea of her
daughter smoking but couldn't handle having Christmas pass with hostilities
existing between them. She decided she would resume her pressure on Jenny
after the holidays but for now would try and make the best of the situation.

Jenny was thrilled with the news and proudly announced it to her friends the
next day. Her habit grew heavier  in response to the new freedom and within
the week she was smoking half a pack of full-flavor Marlboro 100s a day, the
brand she decided to stick with after trying various kinds. Many of her
friends smoked Marlboro Reds or Camel filters but Laurie and Tammy both
smoked 100s and Jenny had found over the last year that she liked a longer
cigarette too. The Marlboro Golds were a compromise she could live with,
giving a strong smoke that up to now had allowed her to make the most of her
previously limited opportunities to light up, and which she now quite
enjoyed, while still having the extra length she had come to like. She
continued to enjoy her habit more and more during the new year but still
maintained a measure of control over it and didn't allow it to take over
quickly the way it did with her friends. The idea of herself as a smoker was
still not quite something Jenny was ready to fully accept, and so she
considered her cigarettes more as indulgences to be savored rather than
necessities.

Joanne gradually adapted to the reality of Jenny as a smoker, even though
she still hated the idea, and after a few months she no longer criticized
her daughter's habit. She would now give her spending money to let her buy
the cigarettes she needed, and for her part, Jenny tried not to annoy her by
smoking around her or asking for money too often. Jenny would usually save
her money until she had enough to buy her Marlboros by the carton and as
springtime arrived she would make a purchase every 3 weeks or so. Jenny's
subconscious desire to smoke had become more insistent over the last few
months as she smoked on a habitual basis but she still didn't consider
herself a real smoker, certainly not the way Laurie and Tammy were. When the
three of them were together Jenny found herself smoking much more in
response to their cues, but at other times she could go hours without having
one and not feel any real distress. 

Without realizing it, however, Jenny had begun to capitulate to the habit
during the spring as she became more comfortable in her smoking. She had
been taking in a significant amount of nicotine over the last few months and
her system recently started to send her messages that it needed more. Jenny
paid little attention to these demands at first, and didn't particularly
notice that her smoking was increasing during this time. The ashtray in her
bedroom, the only place in the house that Joanne would permit her to smoke,
was filling with increasing regularity and Jenny's trips to the store to
purchase another carton were now happening more frequently, every two weeks
or less. Still, she didn't consider herself a smoker like her friends but
instead thought that she simply enjoyed smoking and could give it up at any
time. She knew that she missed her cigarettes now when she had to go too
long without one, but she still liked to think that she wasn't really hooked. 

The truth of the matter finally hit Jenny right between the eyes over the
long Memorial Day weekend. Traditionally she had attended a weekend camping
trip organized by the church that weekend for years, involving both the
usual camping-type activities and some spiritual sessions. She had enjoyed
it in the past when she was younger, but this year was slightly reluctant to
go. It seemed that as she got older the church was no longer such an
important part of her life and she began to question some of their positions
on certain issues. But with some strong persuasion from Joanne she agreed to
go. She was glad that Laurie and Tammy didn't give her a hard time about it
when the subject came up, but she knew that they probably thought her
association with the church a little strange these days.

Even though some people knew by now about her smoking, Jenny never even
considered the idea that she might smoke at the camp. It was still a secret
to the people in the church and they would never permit it in any event.
Joanne clinched it when she was helping Jenny pack for the weekend by
mentioning the same thing, and Jenny readily agreed that she would leave her
Marlboros at home. By Saturday evening she was regretting the decision.
After dinner that night at the camp, Jenny felt the urge to smoke like she
never had before. She was kicking herself for not taking a pack with her,
for she realized that she could easily have slipped away for a few puffs
without anyone knowing. 

The evening was bad, but the next day was even worse. She awoke in the
morning feeling an urgent need to smoke, and nothing seemed to make it go
away. She felt an achy, empty feeling in her chest and was irritable, edgy,
and not her usual sweet self, something that was all too obvious to her
fellow campers and counsellors. While she could be distracted temporarily
from her distress, it never took long for it to reassert itself and by the
afternoon her thoughts were focused on whether there was any possibility
that she could find a way to have a cigarette. It didn't seem likely,
because as far as she knew all of the other kids and counsellors were not
smokers, but that evening as she walked past the building where the camp
staff did the cooking and lived themselves, she caught a whiff of cigarette
smoke. Her thoughts were rivetted on finding the source, and she soon did.
Casually walking into the camp kitchen, she encountered an older lady she
knew only as Mavis, a local woman who had been at the camp as long as Jenny
could remember. She was a heavyset, grandmotherly type who worked for the
camp, not the church, and handled much of the cooking and cleaning around
the place when groups were staying there.

As Jenny walked into the kitchen she decided to pretend she was hungry and
just looking for a snack. Mavis was seated at a large table in the center of
the kitchen, writing a list of provisions she would need to pick up in town
the next day. Jenny immediately noticed the ashtray and pack of Marlboro
Light 100s in the center of the table, and the burning cigarette that rested
in the ashtray. "Oh, hello, dear," Mavis said, looking up with a startled
smile. "You caught me, I'm afraid. We're not supposed to smoke in front of
the campers, you know. Let me put it out," she said, reaching for the cigarette.

"No, no, that's alright," Jenny responded quickly. "It doesn't bother me at
all. I just popped in to see if there was anything to munch on in here. I'll
be gone in a sec. Don't worry, I won't say anything."

"Well, all right then... Jenny, isn't it? I could get into trouble doing
this in front of you so please keep it a secret." Jenny nodded as Mavis then
continued, "Now, as for snacks, I'm afraid there isn't much left tonight.
You guys ate us out of house and home the last few days! I think I've got
some crackers left and maybe a few popsicles, that's about it. That's why
I'm putting together this shopping list for tomorrow morning. What would you
like?"

Jenny hadn't really heard what Mavis had said, since her attentions were
totally concentrated on the cigarette in the ashtray. Her mind quickly
became fixated on being able to feel the exquisite sensation of smoke
filling her lungs once more. She wanted one now more than she ever had
thought possible and that made it easier for her to say what came next.
"Actually, Mavis," she said in hushed tones, "can you keep a secret too?"

Mavis looked at her quizzically. "I suppose so," she said. "If you can, so
can I. What is it, dear?"

"What I'd really like is... a puff on your cigarette," Jenny whispered. "Do
you think..."

"Oh, dear, I don't think so. I could lose my job. You don't really smoke,
now, do you?"

"Mmm, yeah, I do. My mom knows and all... she doesn't like it much, but she
lets me. I knew I wouldn't be able to smoke up here and I didn't think it
would bother me. But I've been dying for one. I guess it's not so easy to
give it up after all. Can I have just a puff?," Jenny pleaded.

Mavis felt some sympathy for the girl. She knew how hard it was to do
without, and how difficult it must be to keep it a secret. "Do you smoke
very much, Jenny?," she asked, wanting to know if this was a real need or
just curiosity.

"Yeah, some, I guess... I buy myself a carton every 2 weeks or so," Jenny
replied. 

That was enough for Mavis. "OK, honey, you can smoke, but not here. Come
with me," she whispered. She picked up the ashtray, pack and lighter, and
gestured for Jenny to head out of the kitchen with her. Jenny followed her
to her room, where Mavis waved her to a chair and set the smoking materials
on an adjacent table. "Here, dear, go ahead and enjoy yourself," Mavis said
with a grin. Jenny instantly grabbed a cigarette from the pack and lit up.
She took a long drag and inhaled sharply, like a swimmer coming up for air.
Relief began to flood into her veins as her lungs efficiently transferred
the nicotine into her system. Jenny held it in until she sensed that her
lungs had absorbed most of the smoke, before exhaling with a sigh and
immediately beginning another hard pull. Mavis observed her as she opened
her mouth and let some of the puff slide up into her nose as she inhaled
deeply once more, and concluded that Jenny was indeed as experienced as she
claimed. She smoked quickly and almost hungrily as Mavis watched, amused. In
just a few minutes the cigarette was finished. 

"Have another one if you want, sweetie," Mavis offered, and Jenny decided to
take her up on it. Mavis lit one of her own and the two chatted quietly,
like old pals, as they smoked. Mavis asked her how long she'd been smoking,
and when Jenny responded that it had been over a year, Mavis laughed. "Well,
gee whiz, no wonder you were going crazy up here," she exclaimed. "Did you
ever try to do without before?," she asked, and Jenny shook her head. "I
didn't think so, Mavis chuckled. "If you had, you'd have realized before now
how tough it is not to smoke once you've become a smoker, Jenny," she
offered. Jenny concurred, telling her of the discomfort she had felt that
morning, and Mavis offered to help her the next day. They hatched a scheme
where Jenny would come to Mavis' room after breakfast the next morning to
smoke before the activities of the day began. She also offered to take Jenny
with her to town the next day on her supply trip and pick up a pack of
cigarettes for her. Plus, she could smoke on the way and back. Jenny was a
little unsure of all this and it apparently showed. "Don't worry, dear, I'm
harmless," she joked. "Us smokers just have to stick together, now, don't
we? God knows everyone else is against us these days. Even my damn husband
gets on my case about it now. Don't ever marry a non-smoker, honey, it's
nothing but grief. A smoker like you should only get involved with a fellow
who's the same," she advised.

Jenny was struck by the references to herself as a smoker. She had never
really considered herself one, but the understanding that she was now
suddenly hit her. Was it true... could she really be hooked?, she now
wondered, pondering her experience of the last few days. It was slightly
unsettling, but at the same time she found it a little thrilling. The
prospect of her and Mavis getting away with something the next day seemed
adventuresome and exciting somehow, especially since it would let her smoke,
and Jenny finally agreed to participate. The next morning Jenny was admitted
to Mavis' room and had two cigarettes in secret, and before lunch the two of
them got into the camp's van and started the 45-minute ride to town. As soon
as they were on the highway Mavis offered Jenny her pack and they virtually
chain-smoked the whole trip. Jenny had mentioned that her usual brand was
Marlboro Gold 100s and Mavis stopped on the way at the first store they
encountered to buy her a pack, saying it was just as well that she got them
there since people in the store in town would know they weren't her usual
brand. By the time they returned to camp Jenny had been able to smoke 9
cigarettes in a little over 3 hours, and was feeling totally satiated. 

After dinner that evening she slipped back to Mavis' room to have one last
cigarette, say goodbye, and thank her for the last couple of days. "Oh, it's
quite all right, honey," Mavis responded. "I don't do this all the time, but
I've known you since you were 6 years old and I knew you were worth the
risk," she said. "Take care, and if you come back next year, you should try
to make it as a camp counsellor, you know," she said with a grin. "They can
smoke in their bunkhouse, by the way, though it's supposed to be a secret,"
she explained with a knowing smile, "and besides, I think you'd make a good
one. Have a good year, Jenny," she said, hugging her. Jenny felt a bit of
sadness well up inside her as they parted. No one had ever treated her like
an adult quite this way before, and she liked the way it made her feel. 

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