Determination, Part 4

DETERMINATION - PART FOUR 

There were one or two more nights like that for Tracey, but there was also 
lots of guilt in between. She recognised quickly that guilt soon evaporated 
if she got stoned. However, a month later Cindy had to return to Hong Kong 
when her student visa was cancelled and Nathan decided to go with her. They 
quit the lease and Tracey took it over and would find a new room-mate when 
her mother left. 

Tracey hadn't been stoned since Cindy had left and had decided that having 
had some experience, she would essentially leave it at that. She was 
dealing with her guilt now - she had done some things she wasn't going to 
tell anyone about, but she was happy she had had sex with another woman and 
had fucked Nathan. She was happy she had been stoned a few times and given 
the opportunity, she thought she would probably get stoned occasionally in 
future, but she wouldn't let it define her as a person. Cindy's bong was 
still here, but packed away under some jumpers in a closet - and Tracey had 
no weed, so she wasn't about to talk to her mother about that stuff. 

But, she was a smoker. She had decided that she wanted everyone in her life 
to accept her as a smoker or not accept her at all. She had thought about 
telling her mother on the phone, but felt it best to do it in person. 
Tracey smoked around 15 cigarettes a day and she enjoyed each one of them - 
she never coughed or felt sick. Each cigarette refreshed her and mellowed 
her - it was her great pleasure. 

And tomorrow her mother would be here. 

* * * 

Tracey got up in the morning and had breakfast. Usually she would have a 
couple of cigarettes with her coffee, but today she decided she didn't want 
to smoke in the house because she didn't want her mother to smell it before 
Tracey confessed to being a smoker, even though smelling smoke in the 
apartment might make it easier. She also emptied the ashtrays in the 
bedroom and lounge room into the garbage and took out the garbage. She 
didn't want her mother to arrive and instantly see a full ashtray, and she 
didn't want her to throw something in the garbage and see evidence of her 
smoking there. Although she was going to tell her mother anyway, she didn't 
want her mother to find out and get angry first and catch her by surprise. 

Tracey showered and got dressed and took the lift down and walked towards 
the station to catch a train to the airport. On the way, she bought a cup 
of coffee and smoked a cigarette which she finished when she got to the 
station. When she got to the airport, she went outside and smoked another 
cigarette. She drew deeply on each puff - she was feeling nervous and was 
almost trembling. She was sure her mother would react negatively to her 
being a smoker. What was easy for some people was very difficult for her. 

Although she was going to tell her mother about her smoking, she still went 
to the bathroom after finishing her cigarette and washed her hands 
thorougly and washed out her mouth and started chewing spearmint gum. She 
didn't want her mother to smell smoke on her and guess straightaway that 
she was a smoker. 

Twenty or so minutes later, her mother appeared in the arrival hall and 
Tracey called out to her - "Mum" 

"Ah - there you are, how are you darling" said Mrs Goh and gave her 
daughter a big hug. 

"I'm well" 

They made small talk until they got in the taxi and soon were on their way. 
Tracey had decided she wouldn't tell her mother she was a smoker in the 
taxi as she didn't want to talk in front of a stranger about something like 
that. 

After 30 minutes or so they arrived at the apartment and soon were sitting 
down having a cup of tea. Tracey was telling her mother all about her first 
semester and a half at University - her grades and assignment work so far 
had gone well and her mother smiled and said - 

"I'm so happy that all of the effort we put into bringing you up is paying 
off. Your father and I are hoping so much that your studies will be a 
success. I'm happy that you're a responsible girl and that we don't have to 
worry about you going off track while you are here". 

That troubled Tracey - it made it sound harder to break her news to her 
mother. It was now nearly half an hour since they had arrived home and she 
still hadn't told her mother. If she didn't do it soon, there was a danger 
she wouldn't say it at all and she would remain in the closet and not be 
able to smoke for the whole of her mother's holidays and continue to behave 
like a bad teenager sneaking around instead of a grown woman exercising her 
freedom of choice. 

Tracey took a deep breath, and in a faltering, shaky voice, she said "Mum, 
I'm glad you think I am doing well here and I do want to study hard and I 
want to be successful and make you proud. But I'm not perfect, there is 
something I want, I mean, there's something I should tell you-well, it's 
just that I-well, I-.smoke." 

Tracey felt like she'd just jumped off a mountain and was waiting to land. 

"What?" 

"Well, I sort of started smoking - I'm sorry", said Tracey as she removed 
her pack of Alpines from her jacket pocket. 

"What are you talking about - this is stupid! Why would you want to do 
that? Why on earth would you want to smoke and damage yourself? No! I can't 
allow this" 

"Mum, I'm sorry, but it's just smoking, I can't help it" 

"This is not what we're paying your college fees and living expenses for - 
why should my money be spent on your cigarettes? I refuse to pay. You are 
not allowed to do this!" 

"Mum, I know it disappoints you, but it's only smoking - it's the only 
thing I do that's just a little bit bad. I just feel I need something to 
help me and I just.." 

"No, Tracey - it's unacceptable" 

"But, Mum, it's my decision!" 

"What?" 

"I've started smoking and I don't want to stop and you have to accept that. 
I like, no, I love to smoke and I'm going to keep smoking, probably 
forever, so you can hate me or love me - it's up to you. I didn't do it to 
hurt you - I'm an adult and it's my choice - I just hope you can accept me 
as I am". 

Tracey took out an Alpine and with trembling fingers lit her cigarette. She 
couldn't bring herself to make eye contact as she lit up, and didn't take a 
long puff - just enough to light the cigarette and then she blew the smoke 
towards the ground. 

Her mother didn't say anything. She picked up the house keys from the 
dining table and walked out. 

Tracey sat down and felt shaky. She had confessed and now she had to be 
determined and not say to her mother that she was sorry and that she'd stop 
smoking right away. Her mother was going to get used to this. 

Tracey's mother returned two hours later and remained silent for the rest 
of the day. Neither woman ate or talked to the other until bedtime, when 
Tracey said a simple "goodnight" to her mother and didn't get a reply. 

The next day was similar, but at lunchtime her mother went out and bought 
some take-away food for them to eat and they made small talk. 

The atmosphere thawed slightly over the next couple of days. Tracey smoked 
mostly in her room, but also in front of her mother. She still felt very 
uncomfortable. By the end of her mother's stay ten days later, there was 
still a distance between them but they had her mother at least took Tracey 
out shopping for nice clothes a couple of days before she left. They had a 
nice dinner in Chinatown on her mother's last night. Sydney's anti-smoking 
laws being what they were, Tracey couldn't smoke inside the restaurant but 
did go outside twice during the meal for a cigarette. 

Finally they went to the airport for her mother's flight home. After 
check-in, Tracey said "Mum, I'm just going to go outside for a cigarette - 
why don't I meet you at that café over there and we can have coffee before 
you go?" 

"Oh, I don't really feel like coffee thanks darling. I'll just come outside 
with you". 

They went outside and Tracey took out her packet of Alpines and opened the 
top. She loved the smell of the menthol in the pack and smiled internally 
as she took a cigarette from the pack and put it in her mouth and cupped 
her hands as she lit up. She took a long puff and then took the cigarette 
out of her mouth and inhaled the cool, refreshing smoke. She still got a 
small thrill eachtime she lit a new cigarette and felt the cool smoke 
entering her lungs, like a breath of mountain air, although she knew there 
were chemicals involved. Tracey tilted back her head slightly and exhaled a 
long stream of smoke upwards and shivered very slightly as she did so. She 
felt calm and relaxed and happy that she was a real smoker. 

"So, we'll see you in Singapore for Chinese New Year I suppose darling?" 
asked her mother. 

"Yes, I hope so, if you'll have me". 

"Well, we'll have to buy some ashtrays won't we?" 

"Yes, you will" said Tracey as she smiled and took another long drag on her 
cigarette. 

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