Dr. Blacklung, I Presume?, Part 17 | |
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Dr. Blacklung, I Presume By: slimv --------------------------------------- Chapter 17: Contemplations --------------------------------------- Amanda walked out of Ray's with a box of 25 Montecristo A's. Actually she di dn't walk out with them. At $750 a box, Ray insisted that she store them in his humidor until she had one of her own. But he had given her two to take home, which she had discreetly tucked away in her purse. It blew her mind to think a single cigar could cost $30 but remembering the hour spent with Ray in the back room of his store assured her that they were worth that much and more. Ray and the Montecristos had taken her to Heaven and back but she wasn't ready to spring either of them on Jim. Ray told her to take it slow, suggesting she hone her skills with him in the shop before confiding in her husband. The pleasure had been totally unexpected but so was the lack of guilt. She wondered what had come over her as she searched the fridge for hints of what to make her family for supper. What would people say if they learned the truth about her excursion to Ray's? The smoking was bad enough. Jim was a Deacon. Obviously smoking wasn't against the law, but it was defi nitely frowned upon in their circle. But of course the sin of her smoking paled in its comparison to her fling with Ray. But it had felt so right and she knew it would feel good again. Concentrating on her dinner plans was hard knowing the two Montecristos were hidden in her purse. The thought of the hidden Montecristos made her tingle with anticipation. What she wouldn't give to stop what she was doing and have one. It was a crazy thought. It wasn't as if she was addicted or any thing like that, even though Ray said it was only a matter of time before she reached a point where she would need to smoke quite often. But how was that bad? So what if she became addicted. She loved it! What's wrong about needing to do something so enjoyable? She didn't have to look far for the answer to that question. Her church said it was wrong. Screw the church she thought. Screw me! -------------------------------------- Megan looked at her watch as she picked up the phone . Her mom and brother should be home from their meeting with Dr. Avery by now. She knew her mom and she knew she'd have to push her to do the right thing. What was the right thing? Was contracting lung cancer the right thing? Of course it wasn't but it would happen eventually and it was what her mom wanted. Her mother was sick and her father had made her that way. Not only were cigarettes robbing her of her health and her life but they were also robbing her of her happiness. The thought of her mother holed up in her house smoking her lungs out depressed her. Her mom was physically addicted. There was no denying that. Quitting had long ceased to be an option for her mom, but her addiction shouldn't be allowed to deprive of her a physical and loving relationship with a man. Her mother was sick, but she deserved a little happiness before her death wish came true. Joan was convinced that no man other than Peter her Ex would have any thing to do with her because of h ow much she smoked. Her attitude was self-defeating and it was up to Tad to make her see that life was worth living. It was crass, but Megan hoped a good fuck would drive some sense into her mother. She hated hanging this on her little brother but she hoped it would be ignite the feminine energy in her mom and encourage her to have a relationship with a real man. She felt bad for Tad. He was a non-smoker like her. Making love to his mother would be disgusting in and by it self. But the fact that she smoked like a fiend would make the task even more tasteless. But like her, he loved their mother and would do any thing for her- even this. "Hey Mom, its me Megan. Did you and Tad see Dr. Avery today?" "Yes Honey. We're back," she said to her daughter as she lit a cigarette. "Tad's doing his homework and then we're going to get some dinner." "That's great Mom! Take him some place romantic. Make tonight special." "Honey I told you before that I'm just doing this because Dr. Avery says it will be good therapy for my lungs. There's nothing romantic about it. He's my son!" "Mom we've talked about this before. You know how important this is. It's about your self-esteem. You're a beautiful viable woman and you have so much to offer a man." "I'm sorry Honey but I just don't see it that way." "Well if you can't see it that way then see it Tad's way. If you can't do this right for your self then do it right for him. He's a virgin Mom. And he wants you to make him a man. He wants to be a man for you." "He's just a boy Megan and the more we talk about this the worse I feel about it. No boy should ever have to have sex with his mother." "No one is making Tad do this. Can't you tell by now? He loves you!" "Of course he loves me Megan. He's my son. Don't you understand how ashamed I am? Think about it Honey. Dr. Avery wants Tad to have sex with me while I'm smoking. I've already told Tad I won't kiss him but I'm sure my s tench will make him pass out. But yes I know he loves me. That's the only reason he's going through with this. Now excuse me but I got to go. Talking about this is making me ill." ------------------------------------------- Bill O'Hare lit his wife's cigarette and tried to snuggle with her on the couch as she smoked but Margie was giving him the cold shoulder. He knew what was bothering her but he didn't know how broach the subject without upsetting her more. Besides if he waited long enough she would bring it up on her own. Margie lifted the cigarette to her lips. As she did, a small flake of ash fell from the tip landing with stark contrast against her black silk blouse. She brushed it off with her hand and took another deep puff. She considered the fullness in her chest as the smoke sifted through her lungs. "You don't love me, do you," she asked her husband? "OK. Here it comes. I knew something was bothering you. How can you say something like that, " asked Bill. "Of course I love you!" "Then why don't you ask me to smoke more," asked Margie. "You heard what Dr. Avery said. You were there. After all I've sacrificed for you. You don't even appreciate that I smoke at all, do you?" Her cheeks became flush and tears formed at her eyes. She wiped them away and dried her hand on the silk fabric of her blouse leaving a moist stain. One look in her watery eyes told him this was serious. Her feelings were hurt. He cursed Ben Avery for planting seeds of doubts in his wife's mind. He loved her. At the worst he was guilty of covering his feelings, but nothing else. "For crying out loud Margie! You're making too much of this. You know how I feel about your smoking. I think you're beautiful and I'm proud of you. There's nothing wrong with smoking three packs a day! You smoke enough for me." Margie inhaled a deep puff and emptied the contents of her lungs in Bill's face. Ordinarily Bill would have been pleased, b ut Margie had not done it as an act of seduction. "All these years you let me think my smoking disgusted you. You let me feel bad about it! How could you Bill? I wasted the best years of my life smoking for a man who didn't even appreciate it." "Oh God Honey. That's not the way it was or is. I wish there was some way I could you make you understand." "Try me," fumed Margie. "Give me an excuse for the way you treated me all these years." Jim looked away from her as he spoke. "I thought that if I let you feel bad about your smoking you'd feel beholden to me." "What" asked Margie? "You're right. I don't understand so maybe you better try a little harder." "I thought that if you knew how sexy you were when you smoked that you'd leave me for someone else. I wanted you to think I was the only one that would have you. I know it was selfish of me and I'm so ashamed of myself. But I did it for us and I did it for Katie. I'd do any thing to keep our family together. But now that you know I can tell you how I really feel. Now I'm the one who doesn't understand. I thought you'd be glad to know I love it when you smoke." Margie was exasperated. "I am glad you're glad. But that's not the point. The point is that I wasted the best years of my life on you and maybe you did appreciate my smoking but I didn't know it. Can't you see how that could hurt me?" ----------------------------------------- Kenny tried not to stare as Katie used the hot remainder of her last cigarette to light her next Pall Mall. It was a technique Dr. Avery had taught her. He didn't want her wasting valuable smoking time having to manage a lighter. The fact that Katie was lighting her own cigarette made him feel bad. She shouldn't have to do that with him here. This was supposed to be the most wonderful night of his life and hers. Tonight was the night they were to lose their virginity to each other. He knew it would be awkward but he never expected it to be like this. The Bette Davis Center wasn't a hospital but it wasn't a motel or even the back seat of his car. Dr. Avery called it the center's Honeymoon suite. That meant it was a private room. It was still sterile and Spartan. The walls were painted in a solid pastel green. Two prints of sunflowers hung on the walls. The only pieces of furniture in the room besides the bed were two end tables and a dresser. The most beautiful thing in the room was Katie. But even she was somewhat flawed. His gaze brushed past her and returned to the sheets covering his thighs. After all these years he was still confused about his feelings for her. She'd been his best friend since Kindergarten. Of their friendship he was sure. If nothing else made sense he was here because Katie was his best friend. But it was more than that and he knew it. Her physical beauty alone was enough to make his penis stand erect. Oh yes, he'd done her in his mind beneath his sheets every n ight since sixth grade, despite his parent's objections to masturbation. It wasn't his feelings for her that concerned him. It was his feelings for her smoking that wreaked havoc in his brain. Those feelings had evolved and changed over time. He remembered the shock he felt the first time he saw her smoking a cigarette in the woods behind the elementary school. They were only 8 and he swore he'd keep her secret when she begged him not to tell. Would they be here now in this room if he'd betrayed her secret? Perhaps if her parents had known they could have ended her addiction before it started or at least delayed it until her lungs had time to develop. But he didn't tell. He kept her secret until it was no longer a secret and then he supported her. It seemed like only yesterday. He remembered his amazement as his 8-year-old friend placed a cigarette between her lips and lit it. She'd smoked before but he hadn't known it. It wouldn't have mattered if he did. Th e only thing he knew about smoking was that some adults did it. And when he saw Katie do it he knew she was well on her way to leaving her childhood behind. Three years later at the tender age of 11, his best friend was smoking a pack a day and having trouble hiding it. It was he who suggested she tell her mom. After all, her mother smoked. She would understand and would have the means to help her quit. By this time they were both well aware of the damage she was doing to her body. He remembered how excited she was the day she told him that her mother was taking her to the doctor to help her quit smoking. She told him the news with a cigarette in her hand, a smile on her lips and hope in her heart. She was devastated by the diagnosis. The doctor said she had started too young. The younger a child is when she starts the more hopeless quitting becomes. Giving up cigarettes was beyond her. Not only that, but she had already done permanent damage to her lungs. T he doctor told her family that there was nothing he could do for her. He told them to let her smoke so they did and soon she was filling her young lungs with 2 packs of smoke per day. He remembered her mixed feelings after her parents gave her permission to smoke openly. She was scared at first. Three years of anti-smoking lectures had taken their toll. She was remorseful and feared for her health and the health of those closest to her. It wasn't enough that she had to worry about her self but now there were second hand smoke issues to contend with. Neither of them held stock in the warnings, but others did and their nagging fed her guilt. Every cloud has its silver lining and Katie's addiction was no exception. While other eleven year olds, including Kenny, busied themselves with child's play, Katie had become an adult. Even Kenny's parents who were devout anti-smokers treated Katie as they would any other grown-up that smoked. She never said but Kenny knew she t hrived on the respect her lungs had earned her. Being Katie's friend had it's advantages as a little of the respect she had earned rubbed off on him. At the time she had become a celebrity of sort. A major television show called "Dateline" did a report on pre-teen smoking and used Katie as their feature. A reporter named Barbara Walters interviewed her parents and her friends as well as focusing on Katie and her plight. Ms. Walters even asked Kenny to light Katie's cigarette on camera. He'd never done it before and was nervous. It took him five attempts to get it right. Ms. Walters joked about it saying he'd never have to worry about starting. She said he was too clumsy to smoke. Lighting her cigarette made him feel like a big deal, but seeing it played back on TV in front of his friends and millions of other people made him feel like even a bigger deal. He'd never told her before but he looked up to her then. But he wasn't the only one. She was special. She'd crossed the adult barrier and for a time she had been as proud of her self as he was. Pride gave way to shame as the pleasures and status of being a smoker began to exact its price. Her once brilliant smile faded to dinginess despite constant brushing with baking soda and peroxide. Her athletic lungs betrayed her. PhysEd became her least favorite class. She had trouble keeping up with the other kids as they ran and played. The smallest exertion would cause her lungs to erupt in massive coughing fits. By the time she got to high school her lungs would rebel for little or no reason at all. The mere act of breathing could send her lungs into a rage. Her episodes caused heads to turn and were followed by well meaning suggestions for her to quit smoking. He absorbed her pain and somehow this endeared him to her even more. Despite her health, she still retained her popularity. She was a beautiful girl with a sweet personality who wasn't responsible for her addiction. But her body had become the custodian for the pain of her addiction. She dated frequently and this had bothered him because he knew what the guys said about her. The saying among the guys in their school was, "She smokes and she pokes". Of course there was no basis for the saying and when Katie heard it she stayed home for a week and wallowed in her shame and comforted herself with cigarettes. Their transition from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend had been gradual and had started with a kiss. She had been the first and only smoker he'd ever kissed. He hadn't known what to expect the first time he explored her mouth with his tongue. He remembered how it had burned and how the taste had been either incredibly good or incredibly bad. All he knew for sure was that it was unique and it was an acquired taste. He had shared her long journey into addiction from the beginning and it had led to his sitting beside her in this bed unclothed and unsure. He lifted his head a nd looked at her through the smoke filled bedroom. The haze in the air distorted and blurred her features but she was still beautiful as he leaned over and engaged her ten pack a day tongue. |
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