Getting Rid of Ryan, Part 1

(by SSTORYMAN, 24 July 2003)

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This fictional account contains adult language and themes.  If such language
and themes offend you, please do not read further.  The persons and events
described in this work are purely fictional.  Any similarity to actual persons
or events is strictly coincidental.  Copyright 2003 by SSTORYMAN.  All rights
reserved.  Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this story in any form
and for any purpose as long as this notice is reproduced and no financial
remuneration is received, directly or indirectly, by the person reproducing or
using it.


1.	The Pesty Boyfriend.

   Christine sat at the kitchen table with her mom.  The pretty teenager was
visibly agitated.

   "Mom, I can't believe this guy!  Ryan just won't give up, will he?"

   Karen smiled.  "Honey, you're very attractive and personable.  You went
out with Ryan twice and he's now absolutely smitten.  That's no surprise.
Sometimes you underestimate just how attractive you really are!"

   Christine nodded.  Her mom was right.  She was five seven with a gorgeous
face, a big grin that extended from ear to ear, shoulder length blond hair
and a body with curves in all the right places.  Three times a week she
worked out on the treadmill and weight machine in their basement.  She
dressed like a model from a J. Crew catalogue.  She supposed she understood
Ryan's fascination.

   "But he acts like such a nerd.  He's called me every day this week.  He
corners me at school and tries to talk.  I told him I have no interest in
going out again.  He's sort of a geek, Mom.  I'm just not attracted to him.
I mean, he's nice enough but I don't want to date him."  She frowned.  "I
never should've gone out with him in the first place!"

   "So, what are you going to do about it?"

   Christine sat thoughtfully.  "I don't know.  I've tried everything.  I
wish I could do something to turn him off, to make him stop asking me out.
Any ideas?"

   It was Karen's turn to ponder.  "There must be some way to change his
opinion.  Right now he worships you.  He's obsessed."  She grinned.  "Get
your nose pierced.  If Ryan's a geek I bet he wouldn't think you're so hot
if you did that!"

   "Mom, get real.  I'm not getting my nose pierced!"  She shivered.
"It's gross.  None of my friends have done anything that crazy!"

   Silence followed while Christine thought.  Finally she spoke again.  "You
know, maybe there _is_ something I can do to completely repulse Ryan.  It'd
be a pretty radical maneuver.  But it might just work.  Do you remember what
Ryan told me the first night we went out together?"

   "No, I don't think you gave me that kind of detail.  What are you

   Christine brightened noticeably.  "That night Ryan went on and on about
how smoking is dumb.  He hates girls who smoke.  At the restaurant we sat by
the smoking section.  Near our table another couple was smoking.  I couldn't
shut him up about it.  Over and over he told me he hates smoking.  I think he
even said he'd never date a girl who smokes."

   Karen's heart beat faster.  "Wait, honey.  You're not really
considering taking up smoking just to get rid of Ryan, are you?"

   Christine laughed.  "Mom, don't be dumb.  I'd never do that, for God's
sake.  But if Ryan _thinks_ I smoke it might turn him off enough so he'd
stop calling and chasing me.  Telling him `no' simply doesn't work.  But
if he thought I smoked he'd have a cow.  And that'd be great.  I bet I'd
never hear from him again!"

   Karen grinned mysteriously.  "Interesting idea, Christine.  And exactly
how will you make Ryan believe that you smoke?  Because you've never smoked,
have you?"

   "No, but a bunch of the other commuter students do.  I see them smoking
outside between classes all the time.  One of them is a nice girl named Lia
who I sort of know.  If I pretend to smoke with her Ryan will see me after
the morning class we have together.  He'll be disgusted."  She giggled.  As
always her grin spread from ear to ear.  "It's worth a try.  Don't you

   Karen hesitated.  "It just might work.  But you don't really want to
smoke, do you, dear?"

   "Relax, Mom.  I'll just be pretending.  No, of course I don't want to
smoke.  Yech!  Smoking's gross.  But Ryan won't know that.  Based on his
comment that night I'll soon be rid of him forever."

   "Yeah, it's kind of crazy but you're right.  It might just work.  I
guess it's worth a try, Chrissy, because it really wouldn't hurt you or
anything.  You'd just be pretending."  Karen smiled sweetly.  "Of course
I'd never want you to really start smoking or anything like that," she
added quickly.  "But one piece of advice if you're serious.  You better
practice before you try it in front of Ryan.  Practice first or you won't be
believable.  And if it's not believable then it won't convince him!"

   Christine nodded.  "Good idea, Mom.  Thanks.  You know, some mothers
wouldn't be willing to talk about stuff like this.  They wouldn't
understand.  Instead they'd get all paranoid about me pretending to smoke.
But you're not at all like that.  You're great, Mom.  Really great.

   "You're welcome, Chrissy.  I try hard not to be paranoid.  I'm not
worried about you.  I know you've got a good head on those shoulders of

   The next day on her way to her first class at the community college
Christine stopped at a store to buy herself a pack of cigarettes for the
first time.  She was no prude.  In high school she did some wild and crazy
things.  But smoking was never one of them.  As a longtime runner it simply
never attracted her or even occurred to her.

   She picked out a pack from the counter display.  Marlboro Lights 100's.
She got a small, pink disposable lighter.  Since she'd never tried to buy
cigarettes before she'd never been carded.  It surprised her that she had to
show I.D. to the clerk, who was a bored female hardly old enough to make the
judgment if Christine was of age or not.  

   Her plan was to light up a cigarette immediately after her eleven o'clock
class, one of the two classes she had with Ryan.  She could hurry out before
him and then as he left the building he'd see her with a cigarette in her
hand.  If she was right it'd be the end of that pest!

   She thought about her plan as she pulled into the commuter lot.  The only
trouble was that she'd never smoked.  She'd never tried it.  But she'd
have to light up a cigarette really fast as soon as the class was over in
order to look like she was smoking when Ryan came out after she did.  So
taking her mom's advice, she opened her pack to get it ready ahead of time.
She pulled off the cellophane and the inner silver paper, revealing the tips
of the cigarettes nestled inside.  She turned the pack over.  Nothing
happened.  No cigarettes came out.

   "God, it's a good thing I tried this here," she sighed.  She shook the
pack once more.  Again, no cigarettes came out.  She frowned.  How in the
hell do I get these things out of here?

   Using her finger tips she finally managed to extract a single cigarette.
As soon as she did the others had some room to move.  She got out another.
Just to be safe she removed a third one.  Finally there was enough room for
the rest of them to move around comfortably inside the pack.  She sighed.
Now she'd be able to take one out quickly after her class!

   She stared at the three cigarettes on her passenger seat.  Should she try
to light one up just to make sure she could?  She glanced at the clock on the
dash.  She was early.  She had time.

   Cracking the car window Christine put one of the cigarettes in her mouth.
She examined her pink disposable lighter.  She rolled the wheel; a flame
erupted.  She startled, and it died.  She did it again, this time keeping the
flame burning.  She moved it to the end of the cigarette that was hanging
from her lips.

   The cigarette caught.  Christine had always been impetuous and unafraid,
but a pungent bitter flavor suddenly filled her mouth.  She never expected
smoking to be nice, but she was totally taken back by the harsh and acrid
nature of the bitter taste in her mouth.

   "Yech," she exclaimed disgustedly with the burning cigarette dangling.
She took it out and frowned.  "God, this is terrible!"  She looked at it.
Smoke ascended from the cigarette's smoldering tip.  "How in the world do
people put up with this shit?"

   Despite the unpleasantness, at least she got it lit.  She tossed it out
the cracked window and retrieved a second Marlboro.  "One more," she told
herself.  "I'll practice lighting up one more of these terrible things!
All I need to be able to do is light it."

   She slipped a fresh cigarette between her lips.  Clicking the lighter with
more confidence she gently sucked while the flame ignited the cigarette.
Again smoke filled her mouth.  It had the same bitter flavor and feel as
before.  She took out the cigarette and cursed as she blew out some smoke.

   "Damn," she muttered.  "This is incredibly shitty!"

   She looked at her watch.  She had ten minutes till class.  Resignedly she
put the cigarette in her mouth and puffed a second time.  It was still awful,
though not quite as bad.  "I don't get it," she unhappily groaned.  This
time, however, she inadvertently sucked in a small amount of smoke before
releasing it.  A small wisp of it left her lips on a delayed basis.

   She was tempted to pitch this one immediately also.  But to bolster her
confidence she took a last puff before tossing it out the window of the car.
"God, maybe smoking's a mistake," she muttered.  But the thought of Ryan
being disgusted by the sight of her smoking raised her spirits and gave her
fresh hope.

   "No, it's not a mistake.  It's definitely worth it," she laughed.
Outside the window a breeze rustled the leaves in the trees.  Lighting up
outdoors would require dealing with the wind.  She decided to do one more
light up, this time with her car door open to let in some air.

   A gentle gust of wind wafted by her as she sat behind the wheel.  She
picked up the last of the three cigarettes she'd removed from her pack and
put it to her lips.  She tried to light it.  It didn't work.  She needed to
shield it from the breeze.  Pleased that she anticipated the problem, she
practiced clicking it and protecting the flame with cupped hands.  Finally,
confident she could manage it, she successfully lit up her third cigarette.
The smoke still tasted bad but she tolerated the unpleasantness.  She took
two puffs, released the pungent smoke from her mouth and threw the third
cigarette to the ground before she stepped out of her car.  Getting her
book-bag and purse after slipping her open pack of Marlboro Lights 100's and
lighter inside, Christine headed toward the academic buildings.

   She saw Lia Giardella standing outside the class building.  Lia was a
stunning young woman of Italian descent, a winsome girl with a lovely
Mediterranean face, jet black hair and an eye-catching figure.  She stood by
the door smoking.  She was the girl Christine mentioned to her mom the night
before; Lia was the girl who smoked.

   "Hey, Lia," Christine beamed cheerfully.

   "Hey, what's happening, Christine?" came Lia's reply as a torrential
flood of inhaled smoke came out through her lips and nostrils.

   "Lia, I need a favor."  She quickly explained her problem with Ryan and
her plan to get rid of him by pretending to smoke.  "So when the class is
over, I'm gonna leave quick, hopefully with you.  I'll come outside with
you, light up a cigarette, and stand with you while you smoke.  Ryan will
come out and see us, I mean, me.  I know he'll be completely grossed out.
Bingo!  He'll leave me alone from now on and I'll be free of his crazy
interest in me."

   Lia nodded.  "Are you sure it'll work, Christine?  Not all men react
that way to women smoking, you know!"

   Christine frowned.  "What do you mean?"

   "I mean, some guys actually like girls who smoke.  They find it sexy and

   "Not Ryan," Christine confidently replied.  "He's told me.  He thinks
smoking's really gross."  She blushed.  "Sorry, Lia.  I didn't mean to
suggest that you're gross.  You're not!"

   "Not to worry," the dark-haired beauty smiled.  "No offense taken.
Yeah, lots of people do think smoking's gross.  Poor souls.  They don't
know what they're missing!"

   Christine ignored the last comment.  "So, it's okay?  Can we pretend
we're smoking buddies?"  Seeing her friend nod she went on.  "I don't
think Ryan will say a thing.  He'll be too shocked.  But if he does talk to
us don't worry.  We'll just improvise the dialogue.  The important thing is
for Ryan to believe that I smoke.  If he does he'll stop following me all
the time and calling me."

   Lia raised an eyebrow.  "You could just report him to campus security.
Sounds like he's stalking you, Christine.  If you file a complaint you can
make his life a living hell."

   She smiled.  "I don't want to ruin the guy's life.  I just want him to
get over his crazy infatuation with me.  He's not a bad guy; he's really
not a stalker.  He just can't seem to get it through his thick head that I
don't want to go out with him.  For some reason Ryan is obsessed with me.
I'd like to gently change his mind.  That's all."

   "It's not hard to see why Ryan's so obsessed," Lia purred with just a
hint of a charming Italian accent.  "You're very beautiful, Christine.  You
have the biggest smile I've ever seen.  You also have a great body!"  She
dragged on her cigarette.  "Being the object of obsession can't be a
totally unusual experience for someone as gorgeous as you!"

   Christine blushed.  "Thanks, Lia.  I do get my share of attention."  She
proudly ran her hands up and down her torso.  "But in this case I want to
re-direct Ryan's attention elsewhere."

   Lia hit her cigarette a last time before dropping it in the receptacle by
the door.  "So, are you thinking about smoking for real?"

   "God, no," Christine exclaimed.  "I mean, why on earth would I want to
-?"  She stopped.  "Oh my God!  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to suggest
that I think -."

   Lia exhaled a thick stream of smoke as they walked in the building.
"Don't worry.  I understand.  But from my point of view deciding to smoke
isn't such a stupid decision!"

   They filed into the classroom.  Christine thought Lia sounded almost
disappointed that her play-acting was just that - a charade.  She shrugged it
off as the professor took his place at the blackboard.  As the last students
filed in Ryan was among them.  He smiled at Christine as he sat across from
her.  She smiled back.  Today, you poor boob, you'll lose all interest in

   After class Christine left in a hurry.  Lia was right behind her.  The
girls stopped outside the building.  Christine hurriedly reached in her purse
for her Marlboro Lights 100's, shook one out, put it in her mouth and began
looking for her lighter.

   Lia spoke up.  "I got it," she said cheerfully.  "After all, we're
smoking buddies now!"

   Lia had a cigarette in her mouth and her lighter was ready.  Christine
smiled.  "Thanks, Lia," she said appreciatively, catching the light.

   "No problem, buddy," Lia smiled back, turning to light up her cigarette.

   Christine tried to look like she hadn't a care in the world, like someone
nonchalantly standing around with her friend with a lit cigarette in hand.
In fact she felt petrified.  Students filed past and most paid no attention
to two girls smoking by the door.  A few of them lit up themselves but
immediately left for their next destination.  Ryan still hadn't shown up.

   Christine watched Lia put her cigarette to her lips for a long sumptuous
drag.  She knew she hadn't learned to breathe smoke in; not like Lia did.
Well, too late.  Anyway she probably wouldn't need to put it in her mouth.
It'd be enough that she held it to repulse Ryan.  She talked nonchalantly
with Lia while waiting.  Finally he came out.

   Ryan stopped and stared.  "Oh my God!  What are you doing, Christine?
You don't smoke!"

   The blond shrugged and conspicuously held her cigarette by her side.
"Oh, hi, Ryan.  Yeah, I do smoke.  I decided to take it up," she said
casually.  "Actually, I really like to smoke," she lied, hoping he'd buy
her line.

   "But -.  But, you never smoked before," he stammered helplessly.

   "What's wrong, Ryan?" she replied pointedly with a smug smile.
"Don't you approve?"

   "No, I don't," he admitted, obviously befuddled.  Suddenly he changed
his expression.  "Hey wait a minute.  Are you just messing with me?"

   Before Christine answered Lia broke in.  "She isn't messing with you,
Ryan.  Not at all.  You see, Christine smoked all during high school.  Like
me she's a real addict."  Lia put her cigarette to her lips for a
protracted drag.  "Christine and I've been hanging out a lot recently,"
she went on, exhaling into the breeze.  "We've become good friends.  Seeing
me smoke finally got to her so she gave in.  The poor girl's smoking all the
time again.  Right, Christine?"

   Christine was surprised.  That wasn't how she planned to explain it.  She
intended to tell Ryan she only just started smoking.  But Lia's
improvisation forced her in a different direction.  "Oh yeah, that's
right," she recovered.  "Yeah, I used to smoke all the time."  She smiled
sweetly at Lia.  "But being around Lia got to me.  I finally decided to
smoke again."

   Ryan looked suspiciously at her.  "Show me," he insisted.  "Smoke,
Christine.  Let me see for myself."

   To that point she hadn't put the cigarette in her mouth.  She hadn't
puffed since she lit up.  But she was stuck.  She had to play the part or the
scam was over.  She confidently smiled and put the cigarette to her lips.
She took a long drag, longer than any so far, trying to look like an
experienced smoker.  She couldn't breathe the smoke in like Lia.  She simply
held it in her mouth for several seconds without inhaling.  Finally she
pursed her lips and let a thick cloud of smoke escape.

   "Oh God, it's good to be smoking again," she sighed, feigning

   Ryan wasn't convinced.  "I don't know, Christine.  I know you want me
to stop calling you.  You don't believe we were made for each other.  Are
you trying to piss me off by pretending to smoke?  You know I think smokers
are dirty."  He apologetically looked at Lia as he suddenly realized what
he'd said.

   The sultry Italian smiled.  "That's all right, Ryan.  I don't give a
shit if you like me," she purred contemptuously.

   He looked back at Christine.  "Well, I'm sorry you're smoking.  But
I'm going to keep an eye on you the next few days.  If it's really true
then I guess I'll see you smoke a lot around campus from now on.  Right?"

   "You sure will," Lia butted in.  "Christine's back now, Ryan.  She's
a smoker again.  She smokes all the time."  The dark-haired girl let out an
evil laugh.  "I guess her parents are mad.  They thought she quit.  But now
she's even smoking at home again, in her car, everywhere!"

   Ryan shook his head.  "I don't believe it.  I'll just ask your mom next
time I call your house.  Christine, don't let me find out you're messing
with me.  For your sake I sort of hope it's true that you're smoking!"

   He stomped off.  Christine turned toward Lia ready to snap.  Before she
spoke Lia smiled through clenched teeth.  "He's watching, honey," she
warned quietly.  "Take another drag.  Make it look like we're still talking
and laughing!"

   Flustered, Christine forced a smile and hit on her cigarette.  She held
the smoke in her mouth for five full seconds before releasing it.

   "Good girl," Lia approvingly nodded.  "He's almost out of sight."

   A moment later Christine exploded.  "What the hell was that, Lia?  God!
Now Ryan's suspicious.  He calls our house every day.  Now I have to prep my
mom what to tell him.  That stuff about me smoking all through high school
isn't true and he knows it.  I ran track until senior year.  Ryan isn't
stupid.  Runners don't smoke.  He knows that.  God, Lia, you sure made this
more difficult!"

   Lia lamely shrugged.  "I didn't know.  I was only trying to help.  I
thought you wanted him to think you're a real addict, a confirmed smoker, so
he won't keep pursuing you.  I'm sorry, Christine.  It seemed like a good
idea at the time."

   "Since he's suspicious he's going to watch me to see if it's really
true.  That means I have to keep doing this damn smoking thing!"

   "Cheer up," Lia smiled.  "The part about us being friends wasn't
exactly true but I'd like it to be, Christine.  We'd get along great.  It
seems neither of us have many friends at school."

   Christine nodded.  "No, you're right.  I like you, too, Lia.  I'd like
to be your friend.  Now I need your help more than ever.  You must help me
convince Ryan I really smoke.  I think I need some lessons.  Are you up for

   Lia grinned.  "Sure, Christine.  I'm happy to be your smoking coach!"

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