A Life of Illusion, Part 5

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Date: Tue,  2 Jan 1996 05:44:58 UTC
Subject: "A Life Of Illusion" 5/6
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Here's Part 5... usual disclaimers apply.

B.

**

Part 5: Creatures of Habit


Lisa was thinking much the same thing as she lay in bed in her room. She
wasn't sure how much she'd smoked that day but she knew it was a lot, and
even after brushing her teeth before going to bed, she still could taste a
hint of tobacco in her mouth. She couldn't believe how much she had loved
smoking with her mom this week, and how quickly she had adjusted to her new
freedom to smoke whenever she chose. The more frequently she smoked, it
seemed, the more intense was the need she felt to smoke again a short time
later, and the better it felt each time she satisfied her cravings. It just
felt so good to her to be able to smoke without restriction that it seemed
as though she couldn't possibly do it often enough to ever quite satisfy
herself. But, she thought, that wouldn't really be a problem now that she
could smoke as much as she wanted, like her mother did... and she loved the
grown-up feeling she felt whenever she smoked alongside her mom or in
public. A tingle ran down her spine as these thoughts suddenly crystallized. 

"Omigod...," Lisa realized, "I'm a smoker too, just like mom!". She thought
about how she had watched her mom smoke over the years in company with just
about everything she did during the course of a day, and suddenly the image
of her mother in her mind's eye changed to that of Lisa herself, doing all
her normal daily activities but now always accompanied by a cigarette.
Another quiver of anticipation rushed through her body as she felt a
combination of both excitement at the thought of being able to smoke as she
pleased, and fear at the possible consequences of now never being able to
stop. She smiled and blushed at the thought, still thinking of it as a
guilty pleasure, something she was not supposed to do but did regardless
just for the sheer enjoyment of it, and decided it was not something she
would want to give up any time soon anyway. Her hand moved under her
nightgown to the wetness of her secret place between her legs as she began
to indulge her other guilty pleasure. The image of herself as a smoker was
one she found strangely arousing, and a jumble of these images ran through
her mind for the next few minutes, her breathing becoming faster and
shallower, as she free-associated before manipulating herself to a climax.
Breathless, she enjoyed the warm glow that flowed through her body for a few
moments, before reality crept back into her consciousness. But how would she
be able to enjoy it around her friends, and more importantly, her father?
The sudden image of her hiding it, smoking in secret, darkened her thoughts
as she considered what his reaction might be. Lisa hated to disappoint him
so. He had always put her on a pedestal, calling her his "Princess", and she
knew this would hurt him. She was afraid that he would be angry with her,
and she knew he had a legendary temper even though he seldom exhibited it
around her. She didn't want to risk setting him off, so she decided that
she'd try to keep it from him for a while, and see what the future might hold.

With the arrival of the weekend, and with just the two of them around the
house both days, Lisa's habit came into full bloom. She had the example of
her mother in front of her eyes all weekend to remind her that it was OK to
smoke if she wanted to, and she didn't try very hard to resist the
temptation. This was her first opportunity to be able to smoke more or less
all day long without a period of forced abstinence for school, and Lisa
wanted to see how it made her feel. In smoking a cigarette on average every
40 minutes or so, Lisa experienced a mild nicotine rush all day long and
found that she liked the slightly light-headed effect it caused. While not
quite up to her mom's rate just yet, Lisa's consumption Saturday exceeded a
full pack - Mary had decided to let her have her own pack when Lisa took her
first cigarette Saturday morning -  and she noticed that her daughter's
smoking was becoming almost automatic at times. Watching her as she smoked
while reading a book Saturday evening, Mary noticed Lisa never took her eyes
off the page while she smoked except for the odd time she needed to locate
the ashtray to flick the ash from her cigarette. Lisa would take a puff
every 30 seconds or so while continuing to read, allowing it to slip out of
her mouth for a split second before sucking it all back in through her nose
and mouth, drawing it deep into her lungs. When she decided she had held it
in long enough she would blow a small jet out of the corner of her mouth,
away from the page, and simply exhale the rest through her nose as she
breathed. She no longer appeared quite so deliberate each time she lit up or
took a puff, instead making her smoking secondary by incorporating it into
whatever else it was she was doing at the time. Lisa was becoming quite
casual about the whole thing and was beginning to exhibit the confident,
experienced style of a longtime smoker. 

Sunday morning they went off to church and Lisa found the sermon even more
boring than ever. After about an hour of sitting in the upright pew she was
more fidgety than normal, and began to look forward to being able to have a
cigarette with her mom as soon as they were able to leave. When the service
was finally over, Lisa almost wished Mary would light up on her way out the
door like some of the other parishioners habitually did, but Mary never
liked to smoke while she walked down the street so she waited until they
reached the car. As soon as they were inside they both reached into their
handbags for their cigarettes. Mary looked at her daughter quizzically and
said, "You know, someone might see you here," referring to Lisa's hesitation
in the past to reveal her smoking, but her daughter shrugged it off. "Oh, so
what... they'll have to find out sooner or later anyway," she responded.
"Light me?," she asked, as she placed the long cigarette to her lips and
leaned towards her mother. As they slowly drove through the parking lot,
Lisa made no effort to conceal the fact that she was smoking and several of
their neighbors saw her. She boldly took a long puff to let them see her new
pleasure, and enjoyed the surprised looks on their faces. Again that day
Lisa smoked more than a full pack, almost matching her mom's intake.

Going back to school on Monday Lisa had to cut back somewhat, and she soon
stabilized at a consistent pack a day level for the rest of the week. She
had now settled into a smoking routine and her pattern allowed her to get
through the day without too much trouble even though Mary didn't want her to
take her cigarettes to school just yet, so she found her mind wandering a
bit during her later classes and couldn't get home fast enough in the
afternoon so she could indulge her habit. On Friday morning Lisa and Mary
were sitting around the breakfast table before school, talking and smoking.
Lisa raised the subject of her dad's return with her mom. "Now mom,
remember, we're not going to tell dad about this, right?", she asked,
brandishing her cigarette. "I don't think I'm ready for that, at least not
yet," she said, before taking a quick, anxious puff and blowing out a long,
thin stream as she twirled the burning end of the cigarette in the ashtray.

"That's fine, Lisa... I won't say anything. But how are you going to be able
to smoke when you want to while he's home?", Mary asked.

"I don't know. But I know I'll want to smoke over the weekend, maybe not as
much as I have this week, but still... I suppose there's always the
bathroom, or I can go out if I really need one. Do you suppose you can let
me have a few packs in advance so I'll have them just in case?"

"Sure, honey. Better take them now because he might get home before you get
back from school. I have to pick him up at the airport this afternoon and I
won't be able to drive you home from school, so you might want to have one
or two on your way home since I think he'll be here when you get back. So,
you can take your cigarettes with you today, but remember, don't smoke while
you're there, OK? You've been pretty good about it, but remember, we agreed
to keep it quiet. Oh, and don't forget your lighter, either," Mary reminded
her daughter. "And by the way... if you go to bed before we do, I'll come up
and say goodnight, and I'll make sure I'll have a little treat for you when
I come in," she said with a smile. "Oh, that reminds me... we better not
forget to hide the ashtray that's in your bedroom," she said.  

Taking her mom's advice, Lisa made excuses to separate herself from her
friends on Friday afternoon and stopped in at a donut shop on her way home
for a coffee and to smoke two cigarettes in quick succession, still a little
anxious about being seen by her friends but no longer caring quite so much.
As she made her way close to home, she decided to scout out the area nearby
and soon found that the park down the street had a well-concealed area with
benches behind a grove of trees that would make an ideal hiding place. She
decided to have one more just then, to give herself a chance of making it
into the early evening without smoking any more. She had the foresight to
bring along some mints and some cologne, so that when she finished there
would be no trace of tobacco on her to give her away to her dad.

Richard's return was a happy one for Lisa, since she missed her dad when he
was away, but her new circumstances made it a little difficult to enjoy his
company as much as usual. Even using the her bathroom sanctuary as much as
she dared, along with a few visits to her hiding place in the park, there
were times during the weekend when she really needed a cigarette and
couldn't find a way to have one, especially when they went out to dinner on
Saturday night. She was glad that Mary kept her promise of visiting her in
her room when she went to bed, since her mom had a fresh VS Menthol for her
each night which she would let her smoke behind closed doors. Lisa now
noticed the distance her father exhibited too, since he seemed preoccupied
and not paying as much attention to her as normal, and went for a number of
long walks on his own. The conversation between him and her mother at the
restaurant probably explained his mood, Lisa thought; it seemed that he had
just learned that the V-P job he had long hoped for was going to someone
else, and he was extremely disappointed and disillusioned. Lisa felt badly
for her dad, and even despite her feelings towards him lately, Mary had to
admit that it seemed unfair after he had almost sacrificed their marriage to
try and achieve the position he wanted. Still, she couldn't help but think,
"Serves you right, Dick!".

Despite his disappointment with the company, Richard left for work very
early Monday morning so that by the time Lisa came downstairs for breakfast
he was long gone. Confirming that fact with her mother first as she poured
herself a cup of coffee, Lisa reached for the pack of cigarettes on the
counter and lit one immediately. She inhaled deeply and held it in for a
longer period than usual before exhaling with a sigh. "Feels good, doesn't
it, honey?," Mary offered, observing her daughter's reaction, as Lisa smiled
and blushed slightly. 

"Oh, god, mom, yes... this weekend was a tough one," she admitted. "It was
really nice to have daddy back and all, but it's so nice to be able to smoke
again now... I really missed it. It was hard not being able to smoke when he
was around. Do you think he suspects?," Lisa asked before starting another
deep drag.

"No, I don't think so. At least, he didn't say anything to me about it. You
know, Lisa, he'll have to find out eventually. You should think about
telling him"

"Oh, mom, I know...," Lisa said soberly, exhaling. "I just don't know how to
right now. And especially since he's so disappointed about not getting that
job. Maybe in a little while, but not just yet."

Mary's first reaction was to think that this would be a perfect time to
unload the news about Lisa on the miserable SOB, but she wasn't going to
spoil her daughter's secret herself, and she did feel a little sympathy for
him right now too. She decided to change the subject. "OK, honey, just keep
thinking about it. If I can help, let me know." Mary reached for the pack
and lit up one of her own. "You know, I must tell you, sweetie, it seems as
though you've started to really like smoking. At least, you certainly appear
to enjoy it. Do you think you're going to continue?," she asked even though
she figured she knew the answer.

"Oh, I think so," Lisa answered emphatically. "I guess it's obvious... I
really do like to smoke, don't I? I think sometimes I like it too much," she
frowned, looking at her cigarette. "I can't believe how much more I've been
smoking the last few weeks. But still, I really enjoy it. I can sure
understand now why you didn't want to quit a few years back. It's amazing
how quickly you get hooked on these things, isn't it? I know I sure don't
want to quit now, either, or if I even could..." she smiled shyly, taking
another puff. "It just feels so nice...," she said, her voice trailing off
as she began to blow out a long stream.

"You certainly don't need to tell that to me, Lisa. After all, why do you
think I still smoke after all these years? I don't know... I worry sometimes
about what it does to me, but I just love to smoke so much...  I know I
probably won't quit, ever. But really, doesn't it feel heavenly, dear?,"
Mary smiled, saying something to her daughter she had never said to anyone
before. "To tell you the truth, I'm just so glad you've come to enjoy it now
too. It's something the two of us can share."

Lisa smiled too, enjoying the conversation. "Well, I'm just glad summer
vacation starts next week. At least I'll be able to smoke here with you
during the day, even if I will have to be careful when daddy's home in the
evening," she said, taking one last puff before crushing out her cigarette.

During this last week of school, and with Richard being home every evening,
Lisa had to curtail her habit somewhat. She was at least able to smoke early
in the day, the most important time for her she now found, since her father
left for work very early each morning. She also had a grace period in the
few hours after she got home from school and before he arrived for dinner.
The evenings were more difficult, but she spent a lot of time in the
bathroom and was able to smoke several in a row when he went for his 8:00PM
hour-long walk by himself, which had now become part of his routine. Her
graduation was that Friday and her parents took her out for dinner to
celebrate. Lisa wanted nothing more than to be able to mark the occasion by
smoking, and Mary half-suspected her daughter might use this special evening
to break the news to her father, but she just couldn't bear to do it and so
had to put up with a nearly overpowering desire to smoke after dinner, until
they were able to get home and she could run upstairs.

The weekend would be even less conducive to Lisa's being able to indulge her
habit. Richard was around most of the time, and Lisa was worried that he
might begin to suspect if she used the bathroom routine too often, so she
began to try and repress her urges to smoke, which seemed to only make it
worse. Mary helped her out a couple of times by taking her out shopping, so
she was able to smoke during much of the daytime on Saturday. On Sunday
morning Richard begged off church so after the services Mary and Lisa went
to a cafe and stayed for over an hour, having coffee, pastries, and an
endless series of cigarettes. And her dad continued his walking routine, so
she was able to have some during those times. But at other times Lisa was
terribly bothered by needing to smoke and not being able to satisfy herself,
and she began to seriously think about how to tell her father that she was
now a smoker. As much as she feared his reaction, the alternative was
rapidly becoming even worse. 

Fortunately for her, the week ahead would prove much more gratifying. She
was home with her mom all day long, so it was just the two of them and it
seemed as though their habits were complimentary to each other. Whenever
Mary would light up, Lisa would take the cue and do the same, and vice
versa. The result of this mutual prompting was that by the time Richard got
home each night at 6:00, Lisa already would have consumed a full pack on her
own during the daytime, and with the help of his evening walk and a few
trips to her sanctuary she was able to keep herself well-satisfied for the
rest of the evening. Her habit was edging up close to the level of her
mom's, and Lisa knew that she would soon have to tell her father about it.
Her desire to smoke was a constant, nagging companion now, and while she
loved being able to satisfy it when she was alone with her mom, she hated
having to repress it when her father was nearby. But she could never quite
bring herself to telling him about it, not wanting to disappoint him, and
not really able to find the courage inside her to let her break the news.

The next weekend proved to have its usual set of challenges. A trip to the
mall on Saturday helped, and Lisa was invited to a friend's party on
Saturday night. She talked privately to Mary beforehand and made her wishes
clear, so her mom decided that it would be all right for Lisa to smoke if
she wanted, since other kids would be smoking there too. Lisa took a fresh
pack with her when she left and soon discovered that it was surprisingly
easy to smoke in front of her friends. Her heart was beating anxiously when,
about a half-hour after she arrived, she noticed a small group in the corner
smoking and decided it was time for a cigarette, separating herself from her
friends to join them. She thought she felt many sets of eyes watching her as
she withdrew a cigarette from her pack and lit up too, but she was surprised
to see that before long, several of her friends came over to join her. A few
of them revealed to her that they had been smoking also, in secret, so she
was able to share a few cigarettes with them and the anxiety she felt about
revealing her secret instantly evaporated, replaced by relief and sheepish
laughter. She was happily surprised by the amount of attention she got from
the boys that were there, and when she eventually made her way home with a
group of buddies she felt amazingly grown-up as they strolled down the
darkened streets in a loose knot, with the presence of certain individuals,
including Lisa, occasionally being revealed by a bright orange flicker
followed by a blue-white cloud caught in a streetlight's beam. 

When she got home she found Mary still awake, watching the late movie in the
family room, and she learned her dad had gone to bed early. She decided to
take a risk and sat for an hour or so with her mom, quietly sharing
cigarettes and stories of the party, as her dad lay sleeping one floor
above. Her heart leapt once when she heard his footsteps above her right
after she had lit another cigarette, but Mary told her, "Act cool, honey...
just put it in the ashtray and if he comes down here, it'll look like it's
mine." She did, but her father never appeared, apparently just getting up to
use the washroom. Lisa appreciated her mom now more than ever, and began to
understand her side of the situation a little more. Certainly her father
didn't appear to be paying either of them very much attention these days.
She finally decided then and there that it wasn't worth hiding her smoking
from him any longer, and that she would tell him the next day. She informed
her mom of her decision, and Mary smiled. Little did Lisa know what that
smile actually meant.



End of Part 5

***



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