No Smoking In The Bat Cave

(by Clark Kant, 20 September 2010)

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No Smoking in the Bat Cave 
By Clark Kant 

*I also go by the nom de plume `Sam atoms' on the Smokesigs website. Send 
me a private message if you'd like to make a comment. 

"Why the fuck not?!" Her insolent tone was grating to his gigantic bat 

"Absolutely not! You light that thing, and you're fired!" Her ruby red lips 
twisted up into a sneer, her Camel's orange filter moving accordingly. 

Batman and Batgirl locked eyes, her yellow gloves insensately flicking a 
black Bic lighter. Two tense minutes ticked by before Batgirl stormed out. 

Batgirl retreated to the top of the bat cave. She rested on the opening for 
the `bat copter' which was now welded shut. She dangled one yellow boot 
from the edge, the other curled beneath her buttocks, arms at her side, 
breasts pushed out. The pose was more sexy than it was contemplative, but 
there was no one around to say differently. 

Stephanie cupped her hand over the flame, shielding it from the wind. She 
double pumped her first drag to keep it from going out. Satisfied, she 
tilted her head up slightly and slowly exhaled a dense cloud of smoke. 

She looked out into the distance. It'd have been nice to smoke inside the 
heated cave, but Bruce... no. Dick... Dick was being intolerant. So many 
things had changed in such a short time, it was hard to keep track. 
Everybody in the bat-community was playing musical chairs. Dick Grayson had 
become Batman, Damian Wayne became the new Robin, Tim Drake became Red 
Robin, and she herself had graduated from the Spoiler identity to the 
Batgirl role ... Clearly there were openings. Nobody was Nightwing at the 
moment. She herself could have become HarleyQuinn II. 

"It might not be too late to switch sides." She thought. "The Joker might 
even tolerate smoking inside his hide out..." 

A black laugh bubbled out of her. She was having such absurd thoughts this 
evening. Imagine switching between good and evil over a petty thing like 

"Still... I'd look good in that outfit. All that make-up. Cigarette 
dangling from my black lips..." She smiled at the thought of it. 

Everything was all fucked-up. The reign of Bruce Wayne was over, and there 
was a sense that anything could happen at any moment. Well, almost 
anything. Dick had an iron grip on the "rules" of the cave, and that wasn't 
going to change overnight. 

She flicked her ashes, and thought about it a little more. It wasn't about 
tight quarters, or proper ventilation. The cave was vast, and equipped with 
an air-filtering system. She decided it was more about some invented "super 
hero code" than anything else. Super heroes do this, and super heroes don't 
do that. While all the computers were modern, the cave etiquette was stuck 
in the past. 

"We'll have to look into that." She said aloud to no one. Stephanie deftly 
flicked her spent cigarette butt into the darkness below and then returned 
to the bat cave. 

Dick was hard at work at the computer when she came in. She silently walked 
up behind him, leaned on his shoulder, and peeked at his work. 

"That's some good work, Batman. With any luck, we can find Two-Face's new 
hideout by morning." 

Without missing a beat, Batman glanced up at her, and said: "God, you 

Batgirl dropped into an attack stance. Batman rose to his feet. He struck a 
similar pose. 

"I do not stink." She said firmly. She knew what he meant. There was the 
heady aroma that came from a smoker coming in from the cold, but she was 

He took a step towards her. 

"You smell like absolute shit." 

"No, I don't!" 

They circled one another, ready to fight. 

"Your breath smells! Your costume stinks! I'm about to gag over here!" 

"I am so sick of your macho bullshit! Bruce is DEAD, Dick! Respect and 
diplomacy are important things to master in the new era!" 

It was the wrong thing to say, in hindsight. Bruce wasn't dead, merely 
presumed dead, but Dick wasn't coping well either way. He was starting to 
crack under the pressure, and she had pushed him beyond the breaking point. 
He kicked high, but she easily blocked it with her forearm. Stephanie 
struck with a fist into his mid-section, followed by a devastating upper 

Dick fell back, blood squirted from his nose, bloodying the cape and cowl. 
He was speechless. Stephanie gave him the finger, and let herself out of 
the bat cave. 

It was well past midnight when Barbra Gordon heard a knock at her door. She 
quickly dressed in an old, over-sized Superman T-shirt and wheeled her way 
to the front door. She peered through the lowered fishhole lens. There was 
a young, blonde girl standing there with tears running down her face. Her 
clothing was non-descript - t-shirt, jeans, and a black ball cap with no 
insignia. She dressed the way people dressed when they didn't want to be 
noticed. She carried a gym bag with a familiar looking yellow glove hanging 
out of the half zipped top. It took a few seconds for her to recognize it 
was Stephanie Brown. They hadn't spoken much outside of "work" and now 
seemed like an odd hour for a social call. 

Barbra opened the door, and Stephanie rushed inside. 

"I'm so sorry. Dick and I had a fight and I didn't know where else to go. 
Who to talk to..." 

Barbra smiled in spite of herself. Is this what she'd been reduced to? 
Superhero guidance councilor? 

"C'mon in. We'll talk about it." 

They adjoined to the kitchen. Barbra made coffee. Stephaine fished a half 
pack of Camel Wides out of her gym bag. She delicately put one to her lips, 
but then remembered what had started the fight earlier. 

Respect and diplomacy, she thought, removing the cigarette from her mouth. 

Babs smiled. 

"Can I have one of those?" 

Stephanie tapped a new cigarette out and handed it to her. 

"You? You're the original Batgirl!" 

Barbra double pumped her cigarette and exhaled a seemingly endless trail of 

"I'm the original BAD girl, and don't forget it." 

They shared a laugh as Stephanie sat and sipped her coffee. 

"Tell me what happened." 

"God. It's hard to put into words." 

"This'll help." 

Barbra slid Stephanie's pack of camels and lighter over to her. Steph lit 
up and peered through the smoke, gathering her thoughts. 

"I tried to light a cigarette in the bat-cave, and Dick made me go 

Babs chortled. 

"That's it?" 

"I know it doesn't sound like much, but things were very, very tense, ya 
know? It just escalated from there. I came back in, and he was giving me 
shit, telling me I stink... long story short, I kicked him in the face." 

Barbra was now convulsing with laughter. She could barely contain it. She 
rested her smoldering cigarette in the ash tray and let it out. She had 
tears in her eyes when she was done laughing. 


"That doesn't sound like the Dick I know." 

"What are you not telling me?" 

"Dick has a smoking fetish." 

"What is that?" 

"Do you know what a panty fetish is?" 


"Do you know what a foot fetish is? 


Barbra smiled a knowing smile, allowing the idea to bubble to the surface. 
Stephanie laughed nervously, unsure of how to react. Barbra sucked on her 
cigarette, and blew three, perfect smoke rings. She raised her index finger 
and then gently grazed the top of each of the rings, creating a slight 
indentation. Stephanie looked on in amazement as three hearts hovered in 
the air before dissipating. 

"How do I know this information is accurate?" 

"Has the Oracle ever steered you wrong?" 

Stephanie narrowed her eyes to slits. 

"One time I hid behind the giant penny in the bat cave and lit a cigarette. 
Dick caught me. He was about to tell Batman when I..." 

Stephanie laughed incredulously. Barbra didn't bat an eyelash. 

"We've been on and off for years. Sadly, more off than on." 

"Then why did he...?" 

Barbra smiled. 

"I don't know. Maybe you're just not his type." 

"I'm a cute blonde with perky tits. I'm everybody's type." 

More laughter. 

"Still. Something has to change, Barbra. It's a complete..." 

Stephanie searched for the right word. 

"It's a complete oligarchy down there." 

Barbra smiled. She'd meant patriarchy, but now was not the time for Barbra 
the librarian. Stephanie needed a friend. 

Stephanie was contemplating chaining a second cigarette, when Babs crushed 
hers out in the ashtray. 

"Well, I'm going to turn in. You can make yourself comfy on the couch. 
We'll make a trip over to the cave tomorrow and hash this out." 

Barbra wheeled herself into the adjacent bedroom and shut off the lights. 
Stephanie sat up in the dark. The information about Dick Grayson was a 
revelation. Despite his narrow views, Dick was movie-star handsome and pro 
athlete fit. If Barbra was right, Stephanie could use this fetish to break 
through his defenses... the possibilities were seemingly endless. She 
dreamt about them all night long. 

The next night, the girls snuck into the bat cave undetected. They hid in 
an underused storage room. The room was lit by florescent lights, and the 
walls were lined with industrial-sized shelves. Barbra looked on from her 
wheelchair, while Stephanie occupied a lone workbench. 

"Are you sure this is OK?" 

"I'm pulling rank." 

Stephanie stood over Barbra, pack of Camels and green lighter in hand. 
Barbra parted her lips slightly and Stephanie placed the unlit cigarette 
between them. The bat cave was quiet like a church and the act was not 
unlike the intimate act of transubstantiation. 

Stephanie lowered the lighter near her face. Barbra closed her eyes and 
moved towards the offered flame. 

The door unlocked and the girls froze in position. The expression on Dick's 
face was priceless; a mix of surprise and restrained passion. Barbra smiled 
at the sight of him. 

"Hello, Dick. So nice to see you again." 

Barbra signaled Stephanie with her eyes. She moved her head slightly to 
accept Stephanie's light. Babs pulled hard on her cigarette, the tip 
flaring brightly in the relative darkness. Seeing that his defenses were 
down, Stephanie quickly lit up as well. The whites of his masked eyes 

"There's no smoking..." He said weakly. 

Barbra grinned, flashing her pearly white teeth. 

"C'mon, Dick. No exceptions for an old friend?" 

She puffed and then followed this dubious comment with a french exhale. The 
smoke slowly snaked up from her open mouth up to her waiting nostrils. Dick 
was speechless. 

Stephanie was beside herself. She was enjoying the show so much she 
neglected her own cigarette. She tapped off an inch of ash and brought it 
back to her lips. It was satisfying to watch Barbra toy with Dick. The 
dominance on display was making her just a little horny. She wanted to join 
in their little bat games, but didn't know how. Her own smoking might have 
aroused Dick, but it was Barbra's superior smoking style (and their shared 
history) that made him putty in her hands. She'd have to be content with 
watching, for now. 

"Come closer, Dick. I want to see how you look in that costume." 

He stepped closer. Her eyes started from the mask and worked their way 
down, slowly. 

"Oh, yes. You look so much like him. Especially your mouth. It's surreal." 

She drew on her cigarette, continuing to explore his body. 

"Good choice of the bat symbol. I never liked the yellow oval." 

She smiled, eyes drifting further downward. 

"Are those your shorts? Or his? They look a little tight to me." 

She double pumped her cigarette and leaned forward to exhale a thick cloud 
of smoke his way. Because she was sitting in a wheel chair, his crotch was 
at her eyelevel. They both watched his erection grow in the skintight 
leather shorts. Stephanie watched Barbra fondle Dick through his clothes. 
He was entranced, completely unaware of Stephanie's presence. The look on 
his face was that of mindless enslavement. 

Barbra yanked down Dick's shorts. Stephanie positioned herself to get a 
better look, but before she could see much of anything, Barbra stuffed his 
cock in her eager mouth. She formed a tight seal around his shaft, while 
the smoke rising from the cigarette in her hand tickled his nostrils. She 
paused only to take shallow inhales from her cigarette and blow the smoke 
on his prick. 

By the time her cigarette was finished and Dick was sufficiently aroused, 
she was panting. 

"Come on and fuck me, boy wonder!" 

Wordlessly, he picked her up out of her wheelchair, tore off her pants, and 
then pushed her against the back wall. Her whole body was wrapped up around 
him, using his powerful upper body for support. Stephanie was speechless as 
she watched Dick pound her relentlessly, her neck and face flush. It was 
simultaneously the most aggressive, yet strangely tender and loving, act 
she'd ever seen. 

Barbra was crying out louder and louder with each passing second. Dick's 
teeth were gritted, perhaps concentrating on not ejaculating. 

"SUH!" Barbra called out amongst the groans. 

Stephanie stood motionless. 

"SUH! SUH!" she shouted. 

Stephanie's eyes widened. It finally occurred to her what Barbra wanted. 
She stepped closer and brought her own dwindling cigarette to Barbra's 

Barbra hit it, and hit it hard. She exhaled a massive cloud in Dick's face, 
and that was all it took. He tilted his head back out and let out a groan 
that frightened the bats nestled in the ceiling. His come was dripping down 
her dead legs as he gingerly lowered her back into her wheelchair. 

All eyes were on Stephanie. She was going to complain about being left out, 
but then merely helped Barbra dress and lit a new cigarette for her. 

A week passed. The sex act that occurred was not mentioned. Barbra was 
spending nights at Wayne Manor, and Dick was decidedly friendlier towards 
Stephanie. She hadn't smoked a cigarette inside the bat cave yet, but she 
wasn't going to press the issue. 

Late one night while running a finger print analysis, Stephanie was getting 
fidgety. They sat side by side at the massive computer console, and it did 
not escape Dick's notice. She searched her utility belt for an emergency 
cigarette, and found only a half-smoked Camel wide. She placed it in the 
crevice between her bat ear and rubber mask. Stephanie was about to head 
for the exit when Dick spoke. 

"You can... you can smoke that in here. If you want," he said sheepishly. 
There was that boyish charm that Barbra loved about him. 

She smiled. 

"Are you sure?" 

He nodded, mumbled a yes, and pretended to be absorbed by his work at the 

Stephanie shrugged, and took the half cigarette from behind her "ear" and 
placed it between her lips. The room was lit by the massive bat computer 
screen, and gave everything a bluish hue. Her exhaled cigarette smoke 
looked a little more exotic than usual, and framing her young face in smoky 
blue-green tendrils. 

Stephanie was enjoying Dick's little performance; His feigned indifference 
to her smoking. It was cute. 

She took a drag, and he watched out of the corner of his eye. 

"Hey, boy scout!" she called out. 

He faced her. 

"I'm privy to all your dirty little secrets, you know." 

He laughed. 

"You can totally watch me if you want. That's fine." 

He smiled warmly. 

She dragged on her stubby cigarette, and then performed a flawless snap 
inhale. Stephanie opened her mouth wide to allow Dick a peek inside her 
smokey mouth. The smoke flared out and then back inside her mouth. She then 
blew the residual smoke at him. 

He smiled, clearly aroused by the show. She pumped again and performed a 
slow nostril exhale. She leaned forward and gently stroked his inner thigh, 
a mere inches away from his rock hard cock. Stephanie now merely had about 
two drags left of her half cigarette. She was about to search for a second 
cigarette and chain that, but Dick stopped her. 

"Stephanie, I think you're very sexy, but I need to clear it with Barbra if 
we're going to... do... anything." 

Stephanie nodded solemnly, and then crushed her cigarette with her leather 
boot. Smashed it and then dragged it across the floor, creating a solid 
diagonal line of ash on the cave floor. 

He returned to the computer screen. 

"I wouldn't rule out a threesome in the near future. Barbra talks about you 
all the time. It just might take a little time to make that happen, that's 

He smirked, so self-assured. It may have come off cold and dispassionate, 
but his logic wasn't at fault. Everyone in the "bat family" desired one 
another; it just needed to be discussed. She laughed, and punched him in 
the arm. Without another word, the two of them resumed their work. 

Two weeks passed. Dick and Barbra had taken a sabbatical, leaving Stephanie 
alone. They packed up in the middle of the night and pointed the bat plane 
east. The Himalayas awaited them. 

Dick sweated through the multiple layers of clothing as he scaled a bare 
face granite wall. The snow fell all around him, and the wind whistled in 
his ears, but he climbed like a man possessed. This was the closest known 
Lazarus pit, and he had to reach it before nightfall so as not to freeze to 
death. Before they froze to death. 

Barbra was strapped tightly to his back. She wrapped her arms around his 
neck, and clung to him with all her might. She worried that Dick would be 
too exhausted to fight off any attacks once they reached the summit. 
Surely, Ras al Ghul would have an army of ninjas to protect the pit. A few 
hours later, she breathed a sigh of relief as Dick defeated the ninjas 
without breaking a sweat. 

The cavern was vast. It was all the more eerie since it was lit by candle 
light. Dick quickly undressed her and carried her to the awaiting Lazarus 
pit. He tenderly lowered her naked body into the foaming green liquid. It 
writhed about her as she sank; it got into her mouth and nose. She 
sputtered, afraid of drowning. She looked on as Dick laid out her clothes 
for her. Barbra was about to call out when she sank completely beneath the 
surface. The rejuvenation process was risky; she could either die or emerge 
completely insane. They'd lost friends and foes alike to this process. 
Barbara entered a Zen-like state and watched tiny green bubbles float past 
her. They'd spent countless hours debating these actions, but Barbra 
decided the benefits outweighed the risks. 

Moments later, Barbra pushed her head above the water and gasped for 
breath. She coughed vehemently and lunged for the edge of the pool, but 
fell back in. Dick immediately ran to her aid. He grasped her arms, pulling 
her up, but she fought him off. 

He watched as she pulled herself up, and placed a bare foot on the pool's 
edge for leverage. His eyes watered as she pulled her other foot out of the 
water and stood on her on the ledge, stood for the first time in twenty-two 

She awkwardly shuffled over to him, naked and dripping with green 
chemicals. They hugged each other tightly, overjoyed. Each of them tried to 
say something to mark this momentous occasion, but neither could find the 
right words. They simply savored the moment. 

A month went by. Her crime-fighting abilities came back to her much slower 
than walking. She had to rebuild her atrophied muscles. Barbra trained 
intensely in the bat cave every night. She pushed herself, but was 
confident she would return to where she began. Older, perhaps, but still a 
viable threat. 

She transferred from the Gotham Central Library to the Metropolis Public 
library to conceal the changes that had taken place. She feigned being a 
paraplegic for awhile, but lying to her friends and co-workers became too 
much of a strain. 

There was one more distinct difference. On her first day at the Metropolis 
library, she went out for an afternoon cigarette break. She hadn't smoked 
at all since coming out of the Lazarus pit, but she chalked that up to the 
jubilation of being able to walk again. She was eternally grateful, and was 
working hard at reclaming the bat girl role. However, it'd been a rough 
morning, and she needed a respite. 

She sat on one of the wooden benches outside, admiring the sunlight through 
the trees. Her fingers trembled slightly as she placed the Camel between 
her lips. She tilted her head down and lit it. She inhaled but was 
immediately taken aback by what happened next. 

She coughed. Coughing was normal in the old days, to be sure. But this 
wasn't smoke going down the "wrong pipe", smoker's cough, or even irritated 
bronchi. She noted the burning sensation in her throat, a bitter taste in 
her mouth, and a touch of nausea. This was the cough. The beginner's cough. 
The cough of a non-smoker pretending to be a smoker. 

Barbra demurely put out her cigarette and walked inside. She drank from the 
water fountain for a full minute. 

She and Dick stayed up late into the night talking about it. 

"It's the Lazarus pit. It's cured your addiction." 

"Yes and no. The physical signs are gone... but the 

psychological signs..." 

She was getting agitated. Dick squeezed her bare shoulders tightly. She sat 
up in bed, and Dick propped his head up on a pillow and listened intently. 

"I'm a non-smoker in body, but a smoker at heart. I... have the cravings, 
but not the tolerance. I nearly threw up after my first cigarette today. I 
don't know if I can hack it..." 

He hugged her tightly. 

"What's more, I don't know if I should start again. I've been given a 
second chance. Not just to walk, but a second chance to become a 
non-smoker. Do you know how many people lying in hospital beds would kill 
for that chance?" 

Dick started to speak. She set her jaw tightly. 

"Do you?" 

He looked away. 

"You don't have to say anything, Dick. I know how you feel. I just need 
some time to think this through. You understand, don't you?" 

He nodded quietly. 

Barbra Gordon lasted exactly two days. She found herself endlessly chewing 
on pens. One day, she even followed a woman on the street for a block, 
inhaling her exhaled smoke. 

She had thought long and hard about her reasons for returning to such a 
dangerous habit. First, there was her relationship with Dick. She didn't 
want to be the non-smoking girlfriend of a smoking fetishist. She loved 
fulfilling his fantasies. 

Secondly, there was his new-found infatuation with Stephanie. She also 
didn't want to do this out of fear of losing him to her. This decision 
wasn't for them to make, it was solely hers. 

Finally, she remembered why she'd started all those years ago. She was 
tired of being the straight A student at home, Sick of being the perfect 
`littlest solider' in BatMan's army. Smoking had helped her carve out her 
own identity, distinguish her from the Gordon family and the bat family. 
Tears came to her eyes when she made the decision. It was a bittersweet 
moment for Barbra, one she would never have again. 

It was just before midnight when Barbra put her plan into action. She 
changed out of her normal clothes and into her Batgirl costume. It was the 
first time she wore it since she was shot and crippled. The significance 
was not lost on her; the skin tight uniform was just as good as being 
naked. She really felt her body, as opposed to concealing it beneath layers 
of clothing. She made her way down the secret staircase, and found 
Stephanie lighting a cigarette in front of the bat-computer. Barbra sat 
down opposite Stephanie. 


Stephanie nodded courteously and exhaled a tightly controlled cone of 

"I've told you about the changes I've undergone since my dip in the Lazarus 

Stephanie nodded, hot boxing her cigarette. 

"I didn't tell you everything. It took away my smoking habit." 

Stephanie looked away in disgust. She groaned. 

"I knew it! I knew this was going to happen! OK, fine. You and Dick can 
have a nice little non-smoking hideout if that's what you want!" 

She was about to get up when Barbra stopped her. 

"Just shut up and listen, will you? I miss it desperately and I..." 

She looked away. 

"I need you to teach me how to smoke. Again." 

Stephanie laughed aloud. 

"I have to teach the original bad girl how to smoke?" 

Barbra smirked, having been brought low for her hubris. 

"Will you help me or not?" 

Stephanie dragged on her cigarette, mulling it over. 


With that, Stephanie retrieved a second Camel from her pack. She extended 
her arm, and delicately placed it between Barbra's lips. 

"You ready for this?" 

Barbra simply nodded. Stephanie extended her arm again, and lit her 
cigarette. She puffed timidly, sampling what it was like to have smoke in 
her mouth. Stephanie smiled, enjoying the experience. She hit her own 
cigarette hard, and performed a French exhale, displaying her supremacy. 

Barbra inhaled her next drag. She started coughing. It wasn't the violent 
cough of yesterday; it was more of a dry cough. Her throat was irritated, 
but she didn't feel nauseous. 

"You O.K.?" 

She nodded again drew on her cigarette again. She wasn't going to give up 
that easily. 

A slightly bigger inhale this time and she inhaled and exhaled with ease. 

"Looks like you're getting the hang of it." 

Barbra smiled. 

"Yeah. I think it's coming back to me. It feels very natural." 

She let the cigarette dangle from her lips. A newfound confidence permeated 
her second cigarette. Together, two generations of batgirls had finally 
liberated the bat cave. 

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