The Year of the Dragon

(by, 03 April 2003)

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by uciboy

"Welcome back everybody to the annual Chinese New Year's Parade.  I'm

"And I'm Russell Lee."

"Well, Russell, here we are back again with my favorite Chinese New Year - the
year of the Dragon."

"No question about it, Ming; Chinatown is smokin' tonight and we have some
great entries here in the parade.  And coming up now we have our Grand
Marshall Kristen Kreuk.  Viewers know her as Lana Lang on the WB's Smallville,
but until recently she was also quite well known as an anti-smoking advocate."

"Yes, she was Russell.  But that's all in the past now.  Before the parade, I
got her version of the story."

The camera switched to a taped interview between Ming-Na and Kristen Kreuk,
both smoking all white 100 cigarettes.

"Kristen," Ming-Na asked, "you're fans are dying to know.  Why did you finally
decide to start smoking?"

Kristen gave a shy smile as she held the cigarette over her knee cap.  "Oh my
gosh," she gushed, "I can't believe I used to be so anti.  I kept getting fan
mail that urged me - no, begged me - to at least try smoking.  So I finally
did - and it was fantastic!  I mean, I had no idea how wonderful it could
feel.  And of course, it's just miraculous what it has done to my career."
She brought the cigarette up to her lips for a slow puff as Ming-Na asked her
next question.

"Is it true you threatened to walk off the show if they didn't allow your
character to smoke?"

"Absolutely," Kristen replied after raising her head slightly to exhale a
stream of smoke over Ming-Na's head.  "'Lana Lang is going to smoke,' I told
my producer, 'or I walk.'  They were hesitant at first, but the episode
'Lana's Secret' when she reveals her passion for smoking was the highest rated
program the WB ever had.  I mean, this is what people really want - to see
smoking on television!  From then on, the story progressed to Lana introducing
everyone to the power of smoking."

"One question, Kristen," Ming-Na asked as she leaned over, her cigarette
jutting from her fingers, "when does Lana finally turn Superman into a

Kristen sat back with a devious smile on her face as she held her cigarette
just to the edge of her mouth, "You'll have to wait and see," she replied and
then took a puff.  She then added in a smoky exhale, "But I promise you won't
be disappointed."

The camera switched back to Ming-Na and Russell Lee in the television booth at
the parade.  "Russell, Kristen Kreuk is a talented actress and a beautiful
young smoker.  As you know, she's half Chinese and half Dutch, and though
she's Canadian, I believe she really symbolizes the kind of diversity we have
in America.  Most important, she's a model for young women everywhere who want
to smoke."

"Ming, we've got a camera down there and I think Kristen wants to say
something to our viewers."

"Hi Russell, hi Ming," Kristen said into the camera.  "I just want to wish
everyone a smoky lunar new year."  Kristen took a deep puff on her 100 and
blew a cloud of smoke towards the camera lens and began to wave with a big

"Now there's a girl who's not afraid to take chances," Ming said softly as she
pulled a fresh Marlboro Light 100 out of her pack.

"Well, you took a pretty big gamble yourself, Ming, when your character on ER
started smoking," Russell replied as he brought the flame from his lighter to
the tip of her cigarette.  "How many people would have thought that Dr. Deb
Chen was actually a closet smoker?!"

"Well, Russell, as you know I've been a smoker most of my life and wanted to
bring out that aspect in my character.  But it took Kristen to set a
ground-breaking path at the WB before NBC was ready to take the plunge.  Like
she said, let's give the viewers what they want."

"Ming, our next float is from the Women's Historical Society of Chinatown.
Their entry this year is called "'The Pleasures of the Opium Den.'"

"Russell, this is probably the most interesting entry we have today.  As you
can see, each of the women are handing the men long opium pipes that have been
preserved from the turn of the 19th century.  As the men, both Chinese and
Anglo, take deep puffs, the women wrap their fingers or lips tightly around
the man's penis in order to bring them to orgasm."

"Now that's a float I'd love to ride on," Russell said with a smile as his
hand reached down between his legs.  

Ming gave him a nudge in the shoulder.  "Well, it's actually quite a lot of
work.  These men will each have to orgasm a minimum of 5 times along the
parade route.  It takes immense psychological and physical training to prepare
for that."

Russell, growing excited by the sight of the smoke, chained into his next
cigarette.  "If I had these beautiful women smoking in front of me, five times
would be no problem.  And I think we have one about to blow - can we move the
camera in closer?"

"Yes!" Ming-Na exclaimed.  "Oh, that's a big one!  She got quite a mouthload
with that cum."

"And the crowd is going wild here," Russell said in an exhale.  "Keep up the
good work, ladies."  He watched the float go by as the women, cum streaming
down their faces, waved up at the cameras.

"Oh Ming, now here is a beautiful sight to behold:  Miss Chinatown and her
Royal Court.  Just look at those gorgeous smokers."

"Russell, as you can see, each of the members of the Queen's court is smoking
a Capri 120, but only Miss Chinatown is allowed to smoke a red colored 120
cigarette that is imported from Shanghai.  Moreover, the Queen is required to
always smoke her cigarette in a holder.  The Mother of Pearl holder is
specially handcrafted in the Nanning region of China for the winner of Miss
Chinatown each year.  Its exquisite detail includes carvings of the importance
of tobacco to the Chinese culture and the liberation of women through

"That's right, Ming, and the competition is fierce to win that crown.
Participants must be between 17 and 18, and each must have concrete evidence
of getting male friends and family members addicted to smoking more than a
pack and a half a day."

"It's rigorous, Russell, but these women have shown through their hard work
and their beauty that they can get any man hooked with just the light of a

"Ming, see how the Queen seductively lights her 120?  That takes years of

As the Miss Chinatown float passed by, a multi-mural float with young children
and teenagers came up towards the camera booth.

"Russell here comes a new entry this year - the Recent Chinese Immigrants
Association has entered their float called 'A FOB's Experience.'"

"Now, Ming, some people might think that the name of this float is in bad
taste, but in fact the experience of recent immigrants is an important part of
what makes this country so diverse."

"Indeed, Russell.  The FOB float shows three beautiful murals, the first of
recent Chinese immigrants arriving in the U.S. and feeling out of place; the
second mural shows these new immigrants, especially young people,
experimenting with cigarettes as a way to gain acceptance from others; and
finally, their the third mural illustrates their embracement of smoking as
they are fully assimilated into American society."

"It's a touching story, Ming; one that I've recently watched my own niece and
nephew from Taiwan go through as they adjust to American society."

"Russell, isn't that them up on the float?"

"Yes," Russell beamed with a smile, "I'm proud to say that they are there
smoking their Benson and Hedges Menthols.  They're quite active in the Recent
Chinese Immigrants Association, befriending new arrivals at school and seeking
to accelerate their assimilation by quickly getting them addicted to smoking.
And I support them 100%."

Ming-Na put her hand on Russell's shoulder.  "That's just great, Russell.  No
doubt they'll be in competition for Miss Chinatown one day."

Russell smiled.

The sound of chanting and firecrackers filled the air as a group of people
wearing long colorful gowns walked passed the TV cameras.

"Up next we have members from the Pan Gu Shengong Society.  This is a
fascinating religious organization, Ming.  Members of this group believe that
smoking is a spiritual link to the afterlife.  Their philosophy is that the
more you smoke, the closer to death you will be."

"A rather macabre philosophy, Russ, but one that I suppose is true.  Parents
in this society start their kids smoking as early as 5 years old.  The
chanting and firecrackers they are lighting with their cigarettes are meant to
ward off evil spirits and anti-smokers who would try to prevent them from
reaching the smoking paradise.  Rather than suffering from smoking related
diseases and cancer, they see it as a blessing."

"Well, Ming, to each their own - that's all I have to say about it.  If they
believe in smoking that passionately, then let them smoke."

Hip Hop music started to play over the loud speakers as a group of teenagers
came dancing down the street.

"And here they are, Russell, the Asian Hip Hop Club.  This group is always
such a kick to watch.  See how they all light their cigarettes in unison while
keeping to the rhythm of the music?"

"It's a beautiful sight, Ming, to see such young and talented kids blowing
smoke.  And it looks like they've got some new moves for the crowd." "Yes,
Russ, they've adapted 'the freak' to their steps this year.  As you can see,
the males in the group come up from behind and simulate sexual intercourse as
they grind their hips against their partners."

"Uh, Ming, I think we have more than just a simulation here."

"Wow, look how hard those kids are!"

"Well, with smoking partners as sexy as those girls, who could blame them?
There they go...insert carefully, boys."

"Watch how the girls skillfully hold the cigarette between their teeth, the
smoke pouring out between their lips with their heads held up high, while
their hands reach down to the buttocks of their partners.  That takes hours of
practice, Russell."

"This is a real treat for the viewers at home, Ming.  Just look at the
pleasure on those guys' faces as they wait for the inevitable to happen.
And...I think their close....Oh, my!  Look at that, an ejaculation in unison.
That's gonna be a tough stain for the street cleaners to get out tomorrow."

"See the smiles on those faces, Russell?  They know all of this is worth it.
And there they go, hardly missing a beat as they pull out and zip up.  I love
this group.  Smoke on kids!"

As the Hip Hop group pranced down the street, another float came up, this one
playing Rock Around the Clock.

"Here's another group of young smokers, Ming, strutting their stuff but this
time in a 1950s themed float.  It's Rock Around the Clock for these kids as
they do the Chinatown Hop."

"Russell, this float portrays a tranquil time in our history when smoking was
both accepted and encouraged among young people.  The Asian American girls in
their ponytails and skirts confidently smoke their cigarettes at the local
fountain shop while the young men seek their attention.  What a joy it must
have been to be young and smoking back then."

"And sexy!  Take a look at the couple sitting in their car, staring at the
moon while they both enjoy a cigarette.  What a romantic setting."

As the float passed by, the sound of drums and firecrackers once again filled
the air.

"Well, Russell, it sounds like we're coming to the end of this parade."

"You're right, Ming.  The sound of those drums and firecrackers can only mean
that the Dragon is almost upon us.  And here it comes, Chinatown's own Golden
Dragon.  At 201 feet long, this massive dragon is one of the longest here in
the States and requires 225 people to operate."

"But what makes it truly unique, Russell, is the smoke that pours from its
nose and mouth.  As you can see, each of the 210 people carrying the dragon
are smoking and exhale into a long tube that leads to the dragon's head.  The
coordination of keeping the smoke flowing requires that 15 people walk up and
down the line keeping fresh cigarettes lit."

"I know that the kids along the route especially love this float, Ming.  Look
how it opens its mouth and completely engulfs that child's head."

"Legend has it, Russ, that once you breathe in the dragon's breath there's no
going back.  You're forever in its power."

"Well, if the legend is true, Ming, then we have thousands of new smokers
along this parade route.  Good work, guys!"

"This has been a great way to start off the new year," Ming said into the
camera.  "And to our viewers, may you're lunar year be filled with smoky
success.  I'm Ming-Na...."

"And I'm Russell Lee.  Gung Hay Fat Choy, everybody."


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