Weighty Problems, Part 2

Weighty Problems 

Part 2

Emily's mind was full of conflicting thoughts. She always knew that she
would probably be faced with the prospect of Lanie wanting to smoke at some
point, though she never dreamed it would happen quite this way. After all,
with her and Joe smoking around her ever since she was born it was only
natural that she would want to try it. Emily always felt slightly guilty
about her smoking habit anyway, and now she blamed herself for encouraging
her daughter to try it too, even though it wasn't intentional. God knows
how Joe would react if he ever found out what she was about to do. She
thought she had better let Lanie know the facts first, if only to soothe
her own conscience.

"Are you sure you know what you're getting into, Lanie?," she asked.

"If it helps me lose weight like you said, then yeah," Lanie shot back. 

"It's more than that. You know you'll get hooked, right? Like me? If you
start smoking, you might never be able to stop."

"Are you saying that you can't stop?"

"I gave up trying years ago, honey. God knows how many times I tried. It's
so hard... I finally just decided I couldn't. I wish I didn't smoke, but
I'm hooked, Lanie. Probably for good. I'm prepared to let you try it to
help you through this, but you need to understand that if you keep it up
for very long, you could end up like me."

"OK, mom, but why didn't you quit years ago if it's so awful? Before you
got hooked so bad?"  

Emily paused, thinking about just how truthful she wanted to be in
answering her daughter's question. There was no way she would reveal the
whole story to her. About how Joe worked to turn her from a non-smoker to
an occasional smoker shortly after they first started dating. About how
after they were married her habit grew, partly in response to his
encouragement because he was turned on by her smoking, and partly because
she realized she simply enjoyed it. About how they would occasionally even
make her smoking a part of their lovemaking since it was such a powerful
aphrodisiac for him. About how she got up to better than a pack a day after
less than 2 years of marriage because of all those reasons, and how she
slowly became addicted. And how, after 12 years of marriage during which
she tried to quit several times only to have her attempts fail because Joe
would always sabotage her efforts by subtle prodding that ended up getting
her to start smoking again, finally getting her up to a carton a week, he
weaned himself off of cigarettes by taking up cigars. Emily almost felt
abandoned when Joe finally announced he had given up cigarettes entirely.
She had no such luxury  -- he could smoke cigars all day, but somehow the
ladies she associated with would never permit her that same option, and she
hated cigars the few times she tried them because she couldn't inhale them
easily -- so she remained dependent upon her cigarettes. They were a part
of her being by that point, and she just couldn't bring herself to stop.
She also realized that after more than 20 years of smoking she was now
hopelessly addicted to nicotine. No, she could never tell Lanie all that.
And besides, she still enjoyed smoking even though she told Lanie she
wished she didn't do it. The truth was that she loved to smoke.

"I don't know exactly why I didn't, honey. Smoking is very... subtle. At
first you don't particularly like it, then you start to, and then before
you know it you can't do without it. It's just insidious... it never stops
working on you and you get hooked before you know what even happened. I
guess even though I know it's bad for me I still like it too much to really
want to quit. The fact is, I'm addicted, but I like it too. You just need
to know that if you start smoking now and keep it up, you could very well
end up smoking for the rest of your life. And end up like me coughing every
morning, not able to take a deep breath without wheezing, and always
smelling of smoke. Does that sound particularly appealing?"

"No. Mom, I don't even know if I'll like smoking, and I have no intention
of smoking for very long. I just want to do it to help me take my mind off
of eating for a while. Once I get to the weight I want, then I'll quit. OK?
So, are you going to show me how to smoke now?"

Emily sighed. She knew her daughter would learn it wasn't as easy as she
thought it was, but she had tried her best. Time to do the deed. "All
right, smartie. If you're so determined to do this, then it's time for your
education. Have you ever had one of these before?," she asked, taking a B&H
from her pack and giving it to her wide-eyed daughter. 

"No, I never have. Even though Lindsay keeps asking me to try," she said,
referring to the schoolmate who Lanie hung out with. 

"Lindsay smokes?"

"Yeah. For the last year or so. Her folks don't know. She sneaks around all
the time. That's the main reason I haven't tried one with her. She's so
paranoid that she'll get caught that she's always hiding out to smoke.
Acting like that really isn't very cool if you ask me." 

"Well, at least you won't have to worry about that. If you decide you're
really foolish enough to want to do this, anyway. You probably won't like
this at first. I know I didn't. I had to be at a party and have a couple of
drinks before I could handle a cigarette when I first started. And no, I'm
not about to let you have a drink, so don't ask," Emily said in response to
a devilish look that suddenly appeared on Lanie's face. She extracted a B&H
for herself and picked up her lighter. "OK, let's go," she said. "Watch
me." Emily lit her cigarette and then offered the flame to Lanie. Her
daughter brought the filter to her lips and drew gently. The cool smoke
flowed into her mouth and she moved backwards, pulling away the cigarette.
She puffed out a small cloud of smoke and made a face.

"You're right... these taste weird," she said, examining the cigarette. 

"It takes some getting used to. Try it a couple of times, but just blow it
out. Don't choke on it."

Lanie sampled a couple more small puffs. They made her mouth water but the
taste was becoming more tolerable otherwise. She realized the taste was
different from the smell she had always associated with smoking. She felt
excitement at actually smoking for the first time, but her mother
interrupted her thoughts with another lesson.

"Trim off your ash, Lanie," she said, sliding the ashtray on the table
towards her daughter. That she knew how to do from having watched her
mother countless times, and she succeeded in doing it without scattering
ash everywhere. She positioned her hand to hold the cigarette as Emily
always did, with the wrist just slightly bent back, the cigarette poised
between the tips of her first two fingers of her right hand. She was
starting to feel like this was something she could get used to. 

"Let me show you how to inhale," Emily said with a sly grin. "If you're
going to smoke, you need to be able to do that. Inhaling takes some
practice, but it's the main reason I enjoy smoking. You should try it," she
said, hoping it would turn her daughter off smoking for good. She
demonstrated for her daughter's benefit, and spoke through her exhale.
"Just breathe out a little when you take a puff, then after you do, breathe
it in. It might make you want to cough though. Try not to. Just take a
small puff, OK?"

Lanie nodded. She knew that what she had been doing wasn't really smoking
the way her mom, or even Lindsay, smoked. And Lindsay had told her that it
had made her cough at first too, even though her mom almost never coughed
when she was smoking. That was something she usually only heard when Emily
got up in the morning. She was determined not to do it, and began to draw
lightly on the cigarette as her mom watched. She took a small puff, opened
her mouth, and inhaled. She felt a shock as the smoke entered her lungs,
but no urge to cough. The sense of fullness in her chest was a strange but
not unpleasant feeling, and she felt a sudden thrill of excitement. She
began to blow it out, and it caught in her throat. She tried her best to
overcome it but it was too powerful a reflex, and she choked on it.  

"Oh, god, mom!," she gasped. Her eyes watered and her nose began to run.
She hadn't been quite prepared for that, and it was not at all pleasant.
"That was awful! How can you do this?"

Emily allowed herself a laugh. "I told you it might make you cough, didn't
I? You'll usually do that the first time you inhale. It'll be easier from
here on. Give yourself a minute. The next one won't be that bad. Try it
again when you're ready."

Lanie waited a little while, a bit worried about whether she should go any
further with this, let alone whether it might make her cough again. She
watched her mom take a couple of her customary deep inhales with no
apparent ill effects, and convinced herself it was worth another try. Emily
watched carefully as Lanie took a small drag, then inhaled. This time no
cough resulted, and she was able to blow out a thin stream after a second
or two. "Better, huh?," Emily asked, and Lanie nodded.

"Uh-huh. But these seem awfully strong."

"Well, I'm used to them. But these are the strongest of the different kinds
of Benson & Hedges. If you decide you really do want to smoke and still
find them too strong, I suppose I could get you something lighter. Try a
few of these before you decide."

Lanie finished the cigarette with a couple of final puffs. She began to
actually feel a bit of a buzz -- some dizziness or lightheadedness, she
wasn't sure what -- but it wasn't bad at all. For her first cigarette she
realized she didn't feel too badly, and aside from the one cough she had
managed OK. More importantly, she actually thought she rather liked the
whole effect of smoking. The breathless sensation she felt when she inhaled
was really something. Part of it might have been the illicitness of it, but
there was something more. She just knew she would try it again. Plus, she
hadn't thought about eating the whole time. That was a plus.

When Joe came home, Emily sad nothing about the event, and neither did
Lanie. There was no real attempt to hide it from him as much as it was just
a matter of neither of them being sure it was something he needed to know
just yet. That evening Lanie watched her mom smoke with more than usual
attention, wanting to study how exactly she did it. She realized that her
mother's puffs were much longer than the ones she had been able to manage,
usually 4 or 5 seconds, and the volume of smoke she was able to exhale was
much greater even though it wasn't particularly noticeable at first since
Emily generally just let herself breathe it out over several normal
breaths.

The next day they all went to church in the morning before Joe went off
after lunch to finish up the job he had started the day before.
Mid-afternoon Lanie felt a pang of hunger just as Emily was about to light
up. She thought she should try her experiment once more. "Mom, can I have
one too?," she asked.

"Are you certain you want to, Lanie?," Emily asked, and Lanie nodded
determinedly. Emily sighed resignedly. "Oh god, honey... well, if you're
sure... then I guess it's your funeral," Emily said after a bit of
hesitation. She offered one from her pack and Lanie pulled it out and
placed it between her fingertips. Emily had her lighter in hand already and
offered it to her daughter. Lanie drew on the cigarette to light it and
blew out a small puff. She then observed her mom light up and immediately
take a long puff and inhale it deeply. After a moment Lanie tried her first
puff of the day. It was longer than before, and as she inhaled it nearly
caught in her throat. The smoke seemed very strong and she almost felt like
she might gag. Clearly she wasn't ready for this just yet. She managed to
exhale without choking, but she must have showed her discomfort, for her
mom commented, "Be careful... you're new at this," as she grinned at her
daughter.

"These just seem so strong," Lanie offered in defence. "I guess I took too
much. I'm not sure I can do this right."

"Well, it's an acquired taste. Take it easy at first. After all, Rome
wasn't built in a day," Emily replied. Lanie smoked the remainder of the
cigarette deliberately and slowly, taking much smaller drags. By the time
she was finished with it her throat burned slightly and her head was
spinning. But far from being unpleasant, Lanie felt this was the coolest
thing she had ever done. She absolutely loved the feeling of having smoke
in her lungs -- it was just that getting it in there and getting it out was
still tough for her. Her heart was pounding and she felt woozy and a little
flushed, but the feeling of excitement was unmistakable. After a few
minutes she began to feel very sleepy, and laid down for a while and slept.

That evening after dinner they were scheduled to take one of their walks.
Joe almost never went with them and tonight was no exception, so Lanie and
Emily headed out the door around 7:30. It was a pleasant evening and the
air was crisp. They made their way at a moderate pace and after about 30
minutes they reached their halfway point. While they waited at an
intersection Lanie watched as her mom reached into her pocket, withdrew a
cigarette from the pack that always was with her and lit up. This was her
normal routine since she seldom was able to go more than 30 minutes without
smoking and she always lit up at this point during their walks. As they
made their way down the dark street Lanie saw her mother pull hard on the
cigarette, the end glowing brightly, and heard her breathe in deeply. Their
breath was visible in the cold night air anyway, and this combined with her
mom's exhale to form a huge cloud around them.

Lanie thought this was worth trying herself. "Could I have a puff of
that?," she asked boldly. Emily looked briefly in her direction, grimaced
slightly, but silently extended her hand to offer her daughter her
cigarette. Lanie allowed herself a grin as she took it out of Emily's
fingertips and took a puff herself as they continued their walk. Combined
with the vapor from her breath, her exhale was as thick as her mom's
normally were. Lanie thought this was totally incredible and handed the
cigarette back with a broad grin on her face.

They arrived home around 8:30 and found Joe ensconced in the family room
watching a football game. After trying the football game for a while and
finding it boring, Lanie went back upstairs around 9:30. She found Emily at
the dining room table working on some sewing. She joined her mom and began
to help by taking on part of the project herself. After a few minutes Emily
paused to light up. Lanie was feeling a bit hungry, and she was waiting for
this opportunity. "Can I have a puff, mom?," she asked eagerly.

Emily paused, then answered, "No. If you want a cigarette, then be my
guest, but I don't like sharing them. Go ahead and have one if you feel
like it."

"But mom... Dad is downstairs! What if he comes up here?," Lanie replied in
a hushed tone.

"Then he'll know you've started smoking. I have no intention of helping you
hide this, Lanie. If you smoke, he should know. I won't tell him on my own
-- unless he asks -- but I won't help you keep it from him either." 

Lanie pondered her dilemma as her mom looked at her, waiting for a
decision. Already the pull of smoking had begun to work on her, not a
craving but more a fascination with being able to smoke, and she tried to
determine whether the risk of getting caught was worth the reward. She
finally decided it was worth taking a chance, and she reached for Emily's
pack and lighter. She extracted one and lit up on her own for the first
time. Nervously she adjusted the cigarette between her fingertips and took
a small puff. If her father came upstairs right now god knows what he'd
say, she thought. So she held the cigarette below the surface of the table
for the most part, only taking a couple of small puffs, while Emily smoked
as she normally did. That meant that her mom finished her cigarette long
before Lanie's was even half-consumed, and after Emily crushed hers out
Lanie took a slightly bigger drag, then rested it in the ashtray. At least
this way there was only one cigarette burning, and if Joe came upstairs he
had no reason to think it wasn't Emily's. She felt excited by the illicit
act she was committing by smoking upstairs while her dad was downstairs,
possibly appearing at any moment, and that added to the thrill she felt
from her smoking. She felt very grown-up, she realized, by knowing that the
cigarette smoldering in the ashtray between her and Emily was hers, not her
mom's. Lanie took 4 more puffs, inhaling each moderately, and was able to
finish her cigarette without incident. It no longer made her mouth water so
badly, and she experienced only a bit of light-headedness. But she still
felt that the B&Hs were harsh, and mentioned it to her mom as she
extinguished it.

"Do you suppose you could get me something not so strong to try?," Lanie
asked. "These seem really kind of rough."

"I could, I suppose. It seems as though you're determined to do this,
aren't you?," Emily asked, and Lanie nodded. "OK, then, I'll get you
something else tomorrow. If you're going to smoke, I'd just as soon you
didn't smoke something as strong as these anyway. But no more secret
smoking, Lanie. Your dad has to be told."

"OK, mom. Deal. I'll tell him the next day or two, all right? Now, what do
you think I should try for something lighter?"

"I was thinking of B&H Deluxe," Emily said. "They're an ultra-light. I
tried a couple of packs years ago. Seemed like I was barely smoking at all.
They're a lot milder than these... they only have about half the nicotine.
Besides, I'd rather have you smoking something like that instead. Want to
give them a try?" Lanie nodded her assent, and began to think of ways she
could break the news to her father.

The next day Lanie got home from school around 3:30. This was always the
toughest time for her when it came to not eating, because she was always
hungry at this time of day. When she arrived home she greeted her mom in
the kitchen. After a moment of conversation about the day Emily said, "I
got you your cigarettes today. They're in that bag over there."

A small white plastic bag from the pharmacy sat on the end of the kitchen
counter. Lanie reached for it with anticipation and found a pack of B&H
Deluxe Ultra Light Menthols, and a raspberry-red disposable lighter. "I
thought since you were going to have a pack of your own you should have a
lighter too," Emily said. "Try one if you'd like."

Lanie grinned, and pulled the cellophane strip from her first pack.
Flipping open the top and removing the foil she saw the 20 white filters
arrayed in front of her. She extracted one of her cigarettes and noted that
they were a little thinner than Emily's. She flicked her lighter, brought
the cigarette to her lips, and lit it. Emily, meanwhile, was doing the same
with her own. Lanie puffed out a little smoke and examined how the
cigarette looked. She thought the slimmer profile made it look longer than
her mom's brand. And she noted these had a much more pronounced menthol
flavor, much cooler-tasting than the others.

She brought it to her lips for a first full puff. It seemed that there was
more resistance when she drew on it, forcing her to pull a little harder.
She tasted the coolness of the smoke, and then she inhaled. The coolness
travelled down her throat and she then felt the sensation in her chest. It
felt fabulous, an almost chilled sensation inside her lungs, and she then
blew out a thin stream. There was no harshness at all, just the cool
menthol feeling. After a moment she took another puff, longer then had been
her norm until now. Again she inhaled and felt the mentholated smoke go
down her throat and fill her lungs. There was no question now, these were
much easier to smoke than the full-flavor B&H's Emily preferred.

"So, what do you think?," Emily asked.

"Not bad. They're better for me than yours. Not nearly as strong," Lanie
said with a grin. She watched as her mom took one of usual 4-second drags
and decided to try the same thing. She drew much harder than normal for her
and continued until her mouth could take in no more. As she inhaled, she
felt a slight catch at the back of her throat but nothing like before. She
then felt the smoke permeate her lungs and appreciated the sensation of
fullness it gave her. As she blew out a jet of smoke it seemed endless, yet
extraordinarily pleasant. She felt a slight buzz developing but it was
manageable. Yes, these were indeed just right for her, she concluded. She
managed 8 puffs in total from this cigarette and felt just fine when she
finished, experiencing a wonderful satisfaction.

"What's the verdict?," Emily asked.
"They're good. I think I could get used to these," Lanie answered.

"What do you mean exactly? Are you saying you just don't mind them as much
as mine? Or that you actually liked them? I could get you some Carltons or
whatever..."

"No... I really do like these just fine. That was the first cigarette I've
had that I can say I really enjoyed," Lanie concluded. Emily knew from that
remark that her daughter would keep on smoking. The only question in her
mind was whether Lanie would be able to quit when her objective had been
reached. She hoped she would, but knew that the chances of that would get
slimmer each day her daughter continued to smoke.

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