Jess's World, Part 2

Jess's World
by Gray Haze

Part 2 - Hi Mom

During the rest of the drive home, Jess thought about how she was going to
tell her parents.  She wasn't sure what their reaction would be.  They both
smoked and the fact that Jess was now 20 convinced her that there really
wasn't much they could say.  She did wonder what her three sisters would
think.  Jess was the oldest of four sisters.  Jill was the second oldest at
17 and was just finishing her junior year in high school.  Jennifer was next
at 15 and Jamie was the youngest at 13.  She did worry a little about the bad
influence it would have on them, but she brushed that off as no big deal.
"If they are going to smoke someday, why should that bother me?"  

With only one hour left to go on the trip home, Jess lit here twelfth
cigarette up since buying the carton four hours ago.  She was smoking heavier
than normal, but her nervousness coupled with the boredom of driving made
smoking seem too easy and enjoyable.  Although she knew that she was in a
real jam on what to do about her parents, she also knew that she was now a
committed smoker.  There was no turning back now even if she wanted to, and
she definitely didn't.  She loved smoking too much now.

Jess's mom was a stay at home mom, who took great pride in her home and her
family.  Not only was Jess's mom a committed wife and mother, she was also a
very passionate smoker.  She smoked over three packs of B&H Menthol full
flavor cigarettes a day.  She loved to smoke and to her it was one of the
finer things in life and she had no desire to stop.  She knew it was bad for
her, but any thoughts of the harmful health effects disappeared every time
she inhaled that luscious mentholated full flavor smoke.  Jess's father was a
district sales manager for a major pharmaceutical company.  He was on the
road often.  He smoked Camel filterless, but much less frequently, and would
often enjoy a good cigar as a substitute.

Jess arrived home late around 10:30.  It was a Sunday night, and her two
youngest sisters were in bed when she got home.  Jess's father left that
night for a long business trip.  Jess was met at the door by both Jill and
her mother.  After a few hugs and some small talk, Jill went to bed while
Jess went up to her room to unpack.  Jess spent the next half hour unpacking,
and also trying to think on how she was going to tell her mother about her
smoking.  At 11:30, Jess had completed most of the unpacking and also was
starting to feel the strong urge for a smoke.  She grabbed her purse and
pulled out what was left of her pack of Salem's.  She looked in the mirror at
herself, took a deep breathe, and then said "here goes nothing".  She put the
cigarettes in her sweat pants pocket, and headed downstairs.  When she got to
the kitchen, she saw her mother sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup
of tea, and smoking a cigarette.

"Mom, mind if I join you?" Jess said to her mother while she walked into the
kitchen.

"Not at all dear, can I fix you a cup of tea?" her mother responded.

"No thank you mom, it's not a cup of tea that I want," Jess responded.

"Oh, well than can I get you something else then," her mother said.

Jess sat down, reached in her pocket, pulled her cigarettes out, and then
said, "Yeah mom, how about a light."

Her mother looked on in stunned silence as Jess pulled a cigarette out and
placed it in her lips.  After a few long seconds of her mother staring
motionlessly, she finally grabbed her lighter, and held the flame up to Jess.
Jess nudged her head up to the flame, and gently sucked on the cigarette to
light it.  After an initial puff to get it fully lit, Jess took a huge drag
on her Salem, and then proceeded to open her mouth and suck the large white
ball of smoke into her lungs.  Holding the smoke in her lungs for her
customary four seconds, she slightly lifter her head, smiled, and then slowly
exhaled a huge stream into the air.  

"Thanks mom," Jess said, "that really hit the spot."

The two sat in silence for another 20 seconds or so, and while her mother
took a puff off her cigarette, Jess followed suit with another one of her
own.

"Well Jess, this is quite a surprise, I had no idea that you smoked," her
mother finally chimed in.

"I'm sorry mom, I know you must be disappointed in me, but I finally figured
it was time to tell you about my love affair with these things," Jill
responded as she looked at the smoldering cigarette in her hand.

"Oh Jess, I'm not disappointed in you, I could never be.  I love you too
much.  Jill's mom replied.  I certainly can attest to loving cigarettes.  I
sure do.  I just was surprised, that's all.  I know that I haven't been a
good influence on you, and certainly I am partly to blame for your smoking.
I just was hoping that my kids wouldn't get caught in the grips of nicotine
like I am.  But that said do you enjoy it as much as you look like you do?"

"I hate to admit it mom, but yes, I do enjoy smoking deeply.  I didn't intend
to become a regular smoker, and am still coming to grips with calling myself
one.  It just sort of happened.   But there is something about these things
that has really appealed to me.  It is really hard to explain. And no, it is
not your fault that I smoke; it is something I found on my own.  You are by
no means to blame.  And besides, I'm glad that I smoke now, so if in some
subconscious way it was your influence, then I need to thank you," Jess said
reassuringly.  

"Well Jess I have to agree with you about the magical appeal that smoking has
on someone," her mom said through a talking exhale, while she crushed out her
cigarette.  "I have been a heavy smoker for 30 years now, and I enjoy smoking
more now than I ever did.  It's funny, I know how bad they are for me.  I
wake up every morning and practically cough up a lung swearing at myself for
smoking all the while I am coughing.  But as soon as I light up that first
one of the day, the swearing ends, and the pleasure begins."

"Any regrets about being a smoker?" Jess asked as she crushed out her own
cigarette.

"I hate to admit it Jess, but no" her mom replied.  "I remember when I first
became pregnant with you.  The doctor told me that I needed to quit to insure
a healthy baby.  Being a young mother, I took his advice to heart.  I
actually quit, with great difficulty, during the last five months of the
pregnancy.  It was during those five months that I came to appreciate how
much I loved smoking.  I still remember vividly coming home with you just
after you were born.  I had bought a carton the week before you arrived.
That first cigarette convinced me that I was meant to be a smoker and vowed
never to quit again.  I also promised myself that I would enjoy smoking
completely, with no regrets.  Here it is 20 years later, and I never once
have tried quitting since.  And yes, I have no regrets."

Those words meant a lot to Jess.  Here was the one person that she looked up
to most in the world, telling her how much she loved smoking.  For the first
time ever, Jess finally felt good about being a smoker.  Although she loved
smoking a great deal, she always felt a little ashamed at herself for doing
it.  But hearing her mother show little regret convinced Jess that she no
longer needed to be ashamed.  On the contrary, Jess actually felt proud for
some strange reason.

"So Jess, why don't you tell me when you started smoking?" Her mother asked
while she lit up another cigarette.

"Well it is a long story mom," Jess responded as she accepted another light
from her mother.

Jess went on for the next hour telling her mother all about it.  The two
chained smoke the whole time.  Something that Jess wasn't used to doing, but
seemed to enjoy the bonding that smoking with her mother had on her.  At
about 1 o'clock, and five cigarettes later, Jess finally called it a night.
On her way up to bed, Jess's mother handed her an ashtray to put in her room.

"You are going to need this in your bedroom now that you are a smoker,"
Jess's mom said while she handed her the ashtray.

Once in bed, Jess starting thinking about what just happened.  Her mother was
incredibly supportive.  Seeing her cigarettes with the ashtray on the night
stand next to her bed, she decided to have one more before going to sleep.
Although she was a little smoked out from the chain smoker that she did with
her mother earlier, the cigarette still tasted wonderful while lying in bed.
Jess thought about the impact hearing the words smoker, and need from her
mother had on her.  "I am a smoker now" Jess thought as exhaled a huge cloud
of smoke into the air.  "I will not only smoke because I want to, but also
because at times, I am going to need to."

A few months ago when she first realized how much she needed to smoke, it
really bothered her.  But now, after hearing everything her mother had said,
it no longer bothered her.  Maybe it was that need, the constant cravings,
that was so appealing about smoking.  As Jess crushed out her last cigarette,
she decided to make the same vow her mother did.  She vowed, never to feel
ashamed and to enjoy smoking completely. That night Jess slept with a big
smile on her face.

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