Jess's World, Part 5

Jess's World
by Gray Haze

Part 5 - A Blossoming Habit

Jess continued to smoke freely the rest of the week.  She was maintaining her
rate of a pack or more often a pack and a half per day quite easily, and she
was enjoying every one.  On Friday, she woke up around eight, opened a new
pack, and what was quickly becoming a custom, headed downstairs with lit
cigarette in hand.  She had lit her second cigarette immediately after
putting out her first while she enjoyed her coffee.  She had two more after
breakfast and at nine, she lit up her fifth while her and mom talked of plans
to go shopping together.

Jess then headed upstairs to take a shower.  After her shower, she lit up
number six and seven while she got ready.  The two got in the car at ten, and
both had two in the car on the way to the mall.  Being the early 80's smoking
was permitted inside the mall.  So every time they left one store, Jess's mom
would light another cigarette and held the lighter out for Jess as a cue to
join her.  Jess would joyfully accept.  Over the next two hours, they smoked
five more wandering around the mall and by 12:30 the two sat down for lunch.
Two before lunch and two more after lunch and by 1:30, Jess was shocked to
see that there was only one cigarette left of the pack she had opened.

After lunch, they headed for the car to go watch a 2 PM Matinee at the
downtown theatre.

"Mom, can we stop and pick up some cigarettes, this is my last one," Jess
said as she lit up in the car.

"Sure, we will stop at the tobacco store on the way to the movie," her mother
responded.

At the store, Jess's mom went up to the counter and asked for two cartons of
B&H 100's and the looked at Jess and said, "Salem 100's right Jess."

Jess nodded, and her mother then asked for two cartons of Salem 100's also.

On the way out of the store, Jess looked at her mom and said, "Gosh mom, two
cartons that should last me awhile."

"The way you been smoking today, I figured you will go through them quite
quickly," her mom answered back.

Inside the car, Jess opened a new pack, and followed her mom's lead and lit
another cigarette.  "Yeah, hanging out with you does seem to make me smoke
more.  I have already smoked a pack today, and it isn't quite 2 o'clock,"
Jess said through a talking exhale.

The movie theater was a small, locally owned theater with only one screen.
As was sometimes the custom, it had a small balcony reserved for smoking.
This was Jess's mom's favorite place to see a movie for this reason alone.

The two smoked seven more during the two hour movie.  They both had two more
on the way home, and by five o'clock, Jess had smoked 30 cigarettes already.
At nine, Jess opened pack number three and headed out with some friends.  She
got home at one, and had her 53 cigarette just before falling asleep.

The next morning, Jess woke up and started to cough.  Her lungs hurt and her
throat felt sore.  Yet she was absolutely dying for a cigarette.  She reached
over and grabbed her pack.  She shook one loose, noticed how few were left
and immediately lit up.  She took a big puff, inhaled, and then followed it
with another, making for a nice double pump.  She held the smoke in for five
seconds and then slowly released a huge plume of smoke.  "Oh god, this feels
so good," Jess thought to herself.  Jess knew that she smoked more than two
and a half packs the day before.  "I must be becoming just like mom," she
laughed to herself.  She definitely didn't want to smoke that much, and yet,
she enjoyed every one.   The rest of the day her smoking was heavier than
normal, but not up to the level of the day before.  By the end of the day,
she smoked two packs, a level she kept up for the next couple of weeks.

Near the end of June, Jess and her mother took a trip to Atlanta to go to one
of her second cousins wedding.  The other kids stayed home with dad.  Prior
to leaving, Jess talked to her mom about her smoking.

"Mom, don't you ever get tired of smoking so much?" Jess asked her mom.

"Believe it or not, no, I don't.  In fact I love smoking every one.  There
are days that I can't seem to get enough.  I can't remember the last time I
didn't at least smoke three packs in a day.  I guess that smoking has just
become such a part of me; I don't even realize how much that I smoke.  It
just seems that every 15 minutes or so I crave another, so I just light up
when the craving hits."

"I know what you mean about not getting enough, lately I've been smoking two
packs a day, and at times that doesn't seem enough.  I guess that I'm just
worried about the health risk.  I'm even starting to cough first thing in the
morning.  Don't you worry about your health?" Jess asked.

"Well Jess, if you're worried about your health then you should quit.  The
health risks are the negative part of smoking.  The risks are real and every
thing they taught you in school about smoking is true.  But to me the
positives far outweigh those risks.  So I stopped worrying about them long
ago.  But if they bother you that much, than you should reconsider being a
smoker," Jess's mother advised.

"Oh no mom, I like smoking too much to quit," Jess answered.

"Then stop beating yourself up over it and enjoy yourself.  If you want a
cigarette, have one.  If you need one, have two.  Smoking is all about
pleasure.  If your going to smoke, then don't deprive yourself, have one when
you want.  Smoke as much as it takes to maximize the pleasure, that's my
philosophy," Jess's mom responded with authority.

"You're right mom, I'll take that advice to heart," Jess replied.  "I want
one right now so I think I will have one."

"I need one Jess, I am going to have two," her mom laughed back.

It was a six hour trip to Atlanta and the two chained smoke the whole way.
Jess liked smoking with her mom, and she let her hair down and decided to
enjoy smoking to the max, something her mom did every day.  By dinner time,
she had already smoked two packs, and when they finally went to bed at 11,
she crushed out her 60th cigarette.

Jess woke up early at 6:30.  Her mother was already up smoking a cigarette.
Jess put on her bathrobe, started to cough and walked over to her mom sitting
at the little table in the hotel room.

"Good morning mom.  I guess I must have smoked way too much yesterday because
my chest hurts, my throat is sore and my mouth taste like shit," Jess said as
she sat down across from her mother.

"Here Jess, have a cup of tea, it will help the throat and the mouth."  After
she poured Jess a cup, she then reached over to the pack of Salem's sitting
on the table.  She shook one out, handed it to Jess, and said while she lit
up her cigarette, "and this will definitely help the lungs!"

Jess eagerly accepted the light from her mom.  From ever growing experience,
she knew that her mother was right.  Her lungs hurt not from too much smoke
from the day before, but from a strong need for more smoke now.  The empty
pain in her lungs was the brain's way of letting her know that it needed
nicotine, and fast.

Jess proceeded to rapidly smoke her first cigarette of the day, puff after
puff, interrupted by the occasional sip of hot tea.  Her puffs were long, her
inhales deep and her exhales slow.  It was pure bliss, but yet not enough.
After about four minutes she finally crushed out her cigarette.  As she was
reaching for her pack to retrieve another cigarette, her mother chimed in.

"Lungs feeling better now?"

"Yeah a little, but a few more of these and they will feel normal again,"
Jess said as she lit another.

"I know what you mean," her mother responded as she lit another as well.

Jess continued to smoke quickly and quietly, her entire attention on feeding
her craving.  Finally, near the end of the second cigarette, she started
feeling a little more normal.

"You know, I took your advice yesterday about smoking.  I decided to let
myself go and indulge in smoking to the limit, Jess said while she lifted her
cigarette up to her lips for another puff.  "I didn't hurt having you lead
the way the whole day.  I didn't think that I could do it, but I smoked a
little over three packs yesterday."

"Yeah, you were quite the chimney yesterday.  It seemed that every time I lit
up, you followed suit.  So did you enjoy the extra smoking?"  Her mother
asked.

"In a way, yes," Jess responded as she crushed out her cigarette.  "It really
felt great smoking like that all day.  In fact, I really enjoyed it.  It was
an incredibly relaxing experience being that jacked up on nicotine.  I don't
want to smoke like this all the time, but it is definitely something fun to
occasionally do."

Jess then started to reach for another cigarette.  She then stopped, not sure
that she should since she just put out her second consecutive cigarette a
minute before.  After another minute passed, she finally broke down, pulled
one out and lit it up.

"Gosh, I never had a craving this strong though," Jess continued through a
long exhale.  "This is my third cigarette in a row and it still isn't
enough."

"It's your body telling you that it wants to get back up to yesterday's
level.  It usually takes me four or five in a row before I start getting back
to normal," Jess's mom replied.  

"It sure is persistent first thing in the morning," Jess smiled as she placed
her cigarette between her lips.

"You'll feel good once it reaches that level.  In fact real good!  You feel
so good, you just want to keep that level.  But the problem is it is hard to
maintain it.  Unfortunately, the nicotine level drops quickly and after 15
minutes or so, your body start telling you it wants more, and fast.  That is
the reason I smoke so much.  If I don't light up when my body tells me too, I
start feeling lousy real fast, and within a half hour or so, I can't take it
any more.  So to avoid it, I just light up as soon as the craving hits.
Soon, it just becomes automatic, and by the end of the day, I've smoked three
packs, sometimes more, without even realizing it."

"Isn't it a real hassle sometimes smoking that much? Jess asked.  "I mean
constantly having to smoke no matter what."

"Not unless I can't smoke for some reason.  Otherwise I really enjoy it," her
mother answered back.  "It's when I have to go without it becomes a problem.
If I have to go an hour or so without smoking, I really start climbing the
walls.  Then I have to chain three or four to get back to that level.  The
funny thing is though, relieving a really bad craving is sometimes the best
part of smoking, it's just having to wait to get that bad craving that is
murder." 

"Ok, I guess that explains why you smoke so much," Jess responded as she put
out her third cigarette.  "But I really prefer to stay below two packs a day
on a normal basis.  Even that is too much.  It takes up enough of my time as
it is."

"Well then you better be careful Jess, once your body gets used to a certain
level, it gets awfully angry when you don't maintain it," Jess's mother
replied.  "Soon it gets darn near impossible to smoke less.  Take my word for
it, I'm an expert."

"Your right mom, I better smoke like normal today."

The two had a couple more cigarettes before hitting the shower to get ready
for the day.  They then went to breakfast, and both smoked up a storm before
and after the meal.  As the day went on, Jess tried to go back to her normal
smoking pattern, but the cravings her mother told her about were now hitting
Jess after 15 minutes or so.  At first she ignored them, but they quickly got
worse, and Jess would end up lighting up sooner than she wanted to just to
relieve them. By mid day, Jess finally decided, "why not just enjoy the
weekend with mom, and worry about how much I smoke when we get home."  The
wedding was at one, and afterwards, Jess pretty much kept pace with her mom.
They both drank a lot at the reception following the wedding, and when her
mother drank, she smoked even more.  Jess easily kept pace, enjoying the dual
feeling of high levels of nicotine with a slight alcohol buzz.  When the
reception ended at six, Jess had just opened pack number three for the day.
The two went hung out at the hotel bar after the reception, and by ten, Jess
had to open pack number four.  They hung out until midnight in the hotel
room, and by the time Jess went to be at 12:30, she had smoked a total of 70
cigarettes.

At 4:30, Jess woke up to see her mother sitting in the dark, smoking on the
couch.  She turned on the light, put on her bathrobe and headed over to her
mom.

"What's wrong mom, can't sleep?"  Jess asked.

"No, I just woke up and was dying for a cigarette, so I got up to smoke," her
mother replied back through a huge talking exhale.

Jess then looked a little closer, and noticed that her mother had one
cigarette in her left hand and another cigarette in her right hand.  "Mom,
what are you doing, you're smoking two cigarettes at once!"

"I told you earlier that I have one when I want a cigarette and two when I
need a cigarette.  It is quicker this way if I smoke two at the same time, so
I can get back to bed sooner," her mother responded back.

"I'm dying for another one myself," Jess said as she grabbed her back sitting
on the table.

"Then why don't you join me and have two," her mother asked while handing the
pack of Salem's to Jess.

"You gotta be kidding," Jess laughed as she grabbed the pack from her mother.

"No seriously, give it a try," her mother said as she took the cigarette from
left hand, took a puff, inhaled, then immediately took another puff from the
cigarette in right hand and inhaled that smoke on top of her first puff."
She then held it in for four second, and then released an enormous cloud of
smoke.  "It really is quite a rush!"

Jess proceeded to pull out two Salem's, placed them in her mouth, and then
clumsily lit them.  After taking them out of her mouth, she asked her mother
what to do next.  Her mother then repeated the process she had just done a
minute ago, giving direction during the whole process.  Jess then followed
her mothers lead, and as she was releasing her enormous cloud, a huge smile
came upon her face.

"Oh my god mom, this is incredible," Jess said still smiling as smoke
continued to spew out of her nose and mouth.  "It's like every square inch of
my lungs is soaked in smoke!"

Jess then proceeded to take another double hit, while her mother extinguished
her two cigarettes in the ash tray.

"You seem to be enjoying it Jess," her mother said as she pulled out only one
B&H from her pack, and lit it up.

"This in unbelievably good mom," Jess said as left her cigarette up for
another double puff.  "Do you do this often?"

"Sometimes yes, but only when I really need it, and always alone.  It isn't
something that a lady does in public," her mother replied.

"But do you always wake up in the middle of the night needing to smoke?" Jess
asked.

"Most every night I do, yes.  I guess my body has trouble making it through
more than three or four hours without a big dose of nicotine.  I guess it is
one of the few things I don't like about being a heavy smoker.  It kind of
sucks waking up then not being able to get back to sleep without having a few
cigarettes," her mother said while lifting her cigarette to her mouth.

After the two finished their cigarettes, they headed back to bed.  Jess awoke
at eight, and headed over to the table to join her mother who was already up.
She then proceeded to pull out two Salem's and fired them up.

"Can't think of a better way to start the morning," Jess said as she released
a huge cloud of smoke.

Jess smoked heavily the rest of the day, showing no restraint after deciding
the day before to enjoy the whole weekend and worry about cutting down on
Monday.  The trip back home was long, but the smoking made it seem enjoyable.
They arrived home at seven, and Jess continued to smoke as she had done all
day long.  Her father was home, so Jess joined him often to share a cigarette
along with her mother.  At eleven, Jess headed to bed.  Jess quietly stayed
up in her room reading and smoking.  At 11:30, Jamey came in and joined her.  

"Jess, watching you and mom chain smoked all night was murder," Jamey said as
she exhaled her first puff from her cigarette.  "I've never seen you smoke
like that before.  You were smoking as much as mom, maybe even more."

"Yeah, I've been smoking this way all weekend," Jess responded as she reached
for another Salem to join her sister in a smoke.  "I couldn't smoke enough.
I actually smoked 3 ½ packs yesterday, and at least another three today."

"I'd be in heaven if I could smoke that much," Jamey said with a laugh.

"I have to admit, I loved every minute of it, but tomorrow I'm going to get
back to my usual 1 ½ to 2 packs.  Smoking like mom is just too much," Jess
said with a frown.  "Smoking is bad enough for you as it is."

Jess finally called it a night at midnight after crushing out her 68th
cigarette of the day.  She laid in bed for ten minutes or so thinking about
smoking.  She had to admit to herself how great the weekend was.  It felt so
good smoking like that.  But she knew that she had to get back to smoking
normal again.  She didn't want to spend the rest of her life being a chain
smoker.

At 4AM, Jess woke up with a huge craving, but managed to resist the strong
urge to light up.  It took her an hour to fall asleep, only to wake up again
at 6:30 with her craving stronger than before.  Not being able to resist any
longer, Jess finally decided to just get up for the day, even though she
usually slept in until 8 or 9.

She immediately lit up a Salem and headed down for some coffee.  Only
sleeping 5 ½ hours wasn't enough, so the coffee and cigarette got her going.

"Good morning Jess," her mother said as she sat down to join her.  "You're up
early."

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep," Jess answered as she took another puff.

"Did you smoke a double first thing," her mother said with a smile and a
wink.

"No, it's back to normal for me today.  Chain smoking this weekend was great
and everything, but I need to be more reasonable now that we are home," Jess
replied tiredly.

After two cigarette before breakfast and two more after, Jess went upstairs
to take a shower.  She had vowed to herself to limit smoking to no more than
two an hour for the rest of the day, with maybe an extra one after eating.
During the rest of the day, she was constantly looking at the wristwatch,
desperately waiting for her next chance to smoke.  Several times she slipped
and lit up upon feeling a craving, but most of the time she didn't.  One
thing was for sure though, she felt empty and deprived most of the day.
Definitely not happy and relaxed like she did during the weekend before.
Things got so bad during the evening that she invited Jamey in four times so
that she could bum a higher nicotine Camel off her.  That helped a little.
By the time she went to bed at 11, she had managed to smoke only 38 of her
Salem's plus the 4 Camels.  She was happy that she managed to hold it down,
but not happy about feeling deprived.

Jess woke up again in the middle of the night, this time at three.  She was
craving a cigarette big time, and once again tried to hold of until morning.
But after tossing and turning for almost an hour, she finally broke down and
had one.  "What's wrong with me," Jess thought to herself. "Why am I
constantly craving these things?"  After she finishes the cigarette, she
still felt a little deprived and decided to have another one.  She didn't
want to wake up at 6:30 again like yesterday and she figured two would tie
her over until 8 or 9.

Well, that tied her over until 7:30, which was close enough to 8 to satisfy
Jess.  She immediately grabbed her cigarettes, pulled one out, lit it and
then put her bathrobe on and headed downstairs for some breakfast.  She had
another one with her coffee before breakfast and then another two after just
like she planned.  But she was enjoying her conversation with her mother and
decided that one more before her shower was not breaking too much from what
she promised to do.

The rest of the day Jess struggled keeping her smoking down to two an hour.
Her will power was starting to break, and she more times than not would light
up every twenty minutes instead of every half hour.  By evening time her will
power totally collapsed and she smoked an entire pack between 7 and midnight.
As she lay down for the night she realized that she smoked a little more than
2 ½ packs that day, far more than the 30 - 40 that she wanted to.  Yet the
only time that she didn't feel deprived was during the evening when she
smoked pretty much none stop.

As she smoked her last cigarette of the night, she laid there in bed very
depressed.  "I can't believe what is happening to me," she thought to
herself.  "I just can't seem to get back to normal.  God I can't even seem to
cut down.  Can you imagine how hard it would be to quit."

The next day, her will power only held out until about noon.  The rest of the
day she completely broke down, and smoked heavily for the rest of the day.
By the time she had her last cigarette of the day, she had finished her third
pack.

On Thursday, she and her mother went out to lunch and then caught a matinee
at the theater.  While at lunch her mother asked her how well she was able to
get back to her usual smoking level.  She knew the answer, because she saw
how heavily Jess had smoke the day before, but she wanted to see her
reaction.

"Mom, I haven't done very well," Jess responded as she started to cry.  I
can't seem to get enough of these things, and I end up smoking terribly
heavy.  I don't understand what is happening."

"Oh Jess, I am sorry," her mother replied, "but don't you think that your
being a little hard on yourself."

"What do you mean mom?"

"You're probably like me, a chip off the old block.  We just love our
cigarettes so much, that we constantly want to smoke.  I think maybe it might
be genetic or something.  Nicotine seems to have a lot of power over both of
us," her mother replied in a sympathetic manner.

"I know mom, but I don't want to be constantly chained to cigarettes for the
rest of my life, like you are."

"But you do enjoy them don't you?" her mother asked.

"That's the problem mom, I do.  I love them way to much.  Smoking heavily
last weekend was incredible.  I loved every minute of it."

"Then stop beating yourself up," her mother replied with authority.  "I have
always said, smoking is all about maximizing your pleasure.  For some people
less than a pack a day does the trick.  For people like us it takes a lot
more.  That's just the way it is.  Maybe if you just finally accepted
yourself as a smoker like I have, you would finally let yourself relax and
enjoy life without constantly putting restraints on yourself."

"I don't know mom, maybe your right," Jess said as she lit up another
cigarette.

Jess continued to smoke heavily the rest of the day, and by bed time she had
passed the three pack level again.  As she smoked her last cigarette of the
night in bed, she began thinking about what happened that day.  "Maybe mom
was right.  Why am I beating myself up over this," she thought to herself as
she exhaled a big plume of smoke.  "God I love these things."

Jess's days of limiting herself were now gone for good.

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