La Mer, Part 2

La Mer
Part 2 of 2
an4@anon.lelnet.com

"I thought we'd be together forever. I used to say `You'll get sick some day. 
You shouldn't smoke so much.' She was always smoking, unless we were in 
class. I didn't understand how much you can love something so much because I 
was so busy loving someone. She always just smiled and said, `You never know 
about someday."
    They smoked in silence and enjoyed it.
    "I got used to it. She always was trying to get me to smoke, more than I 
was trying to get her to stop. I resisted completely at first, but finally I 
started playing with it a little. I'd tell her `Maybe today I'll try one of 
your cigarettes.' I wasn't serious, but it always got her jonesing, you know. 
God, she could fuck like nobody's business."
    "I didn't think-"Lara said between draws on her cigarette.
    "This was fucking. Raw animal fucking. It was primordial beauty. Anyway, 
I'd let her play this little game with me. I'd say, `Let's make out.' She'd 
light a cigarette, take a really deep draw on it, and then kiss me, blowing 
the smoke into my lungs. I'd exhale it and pretty soon we'd be rapped in this 
smoky haze. She'd see that smoke coming out of my mouth or my nose and her 
hand would go right in my pants. Pretty soon I was getting wet as soon as the 
smoke hit my lungs. I liked it, but I never told her. She thought I was just 
amusing her. And I couldn't tell her-"
    "That's pretty fucking insecure, isn't it ?"    
    "I suppose. Obviously you understand what I was thinking. If I stopped 
being a challenge, well, there were other lesbians at Chotham-"
    Lara took her hand again.
    "None of them were you-"
    "Yeah. That's a comfort when you're seventeen and every zit is a life 
trial. When she got hit by that car, I, I was just so sorry that I never gave 
her what she wanted. I started smoking because it reminded me of her. When I 
had that taste in my mouth, that smoke lying in an haze around me, it was 
like she was around me. I swear, I used to be able to feel her standing 
there, so far away, but close. Then one day I found myself standing in the 
7-11, asking for a pack of Marlboro Lights 100's and hoping the college girl 
who looked so fucking bored wasn't going to card me- and when I saw the pack 
of cigarettes in her smock, I had a fantasy about her smoking that made me 
realise that subconsciously, I had been attracted to Helena because she 
smoked. I realised that I wasn't smoking for Helena. I was just a smoker, and 
that was cool, so cool. I went back to the dorm, cut class, and just laid in 
my bed masturbating and crying, because I had gained something but lost 
something, too."
    "It's important to let go," Lara said.
    They drew on their cigarettes and enveloped themselves in the smoky, 
pleasant haze.
    "Which brings us to you. You started smoking because you were depressed 
and you remembered me saying smoking was what lifted me out of mine, right ?"
    "Yeah, that's pretty much it."
    "Do you think after like six weeks of moping around it might be time that 
you talked to your best friend about what's eating away at you. Or are you 
just going to keep going out on the weekend and getting drunk off your ass 
until something bad happens ?"
    "Note to roommate," Lara said, gently sarcastic. "Avoid going into 
private practise. Not suited for counseling."
    "Hey, I've watched you eat away at yourself. Talk to me." She drew hard 
on the cigarette and that same orange glow bathed her in wonder. Lara liked 
her better now than she ever had, and the sharp cut of emotional dependence 
shocked her.
    "It's two things. I'm kvetching about not getting into the programme 
here. It took me three years to really feel like I was part of something-"
    "It never occurred to you when you came to the university that college 
might end, did it ?" her friend asked, her own sarcasm coming to the fore.
    "You should talk. They took you the day you applied." There was a 
moroseness to Lara's tone that hurt Ariel. Because she had a secret.
    "You know how it works. First they take the financial aid cases like me- 
thank god they don't know my uncle would pay for me if it came down to it. 
Then they take a set number from outside the University- new blood and all 
that happy crap. Finally they fill a certain number of spots from the top of 
the undergraduate programme."
    "Yeah. I heard they have four spots, and I'm fifth in the class."
    Ariel smiled. "Sixth, actually. Jimmy Carson moved passed you based on 
mid-term grades. But it's not about grades."
    "I suppose Professor Smythe told you that. It's bullshit. I'll never get 
in."
    Ariel drew on her cigarette, spread smoke, smiled again. 
    "Look, I've been sitting on this for a month, and I made a promise, but 
fuck promises. As soon as they open the incoming grad class to current 
programme members, you're in."
    "What ?" Lara fairly screamed, excitement overwhelming the oncoming 
hangover and drowsiness.    
    "It's not about grades. It's about passion. They aren't looking for 
money-grubbing bitches like Julia Thorne-Lockham or perpetual student 
wannabees like Jim. They know you. You want to help people, make a 
difference. That's what they want. People who look at the academics as a tool 
to use to make a difference. That's you, girlfriend. And when I tell Kelly 
you've started smoking-"
    "I don't screw around with my professors."
    "You should try it. That woman could type a journal article with her 
tongue."
    "Well, you've made me feel better," Lara said.
    "But-"
    "But what ?" Lara asked through her exhale.
    "There's a but in your voice-"
    She drew on the cigarette again. "There's a butt between my lips."
    "Are you trying to turn me on ?"
    "I'm fine."
    "What about tall dark and handsome I saw walk you home ?"
    "He was just doing a favour. I was drunk and a little-"
    Ariel laughed and exhaled. "Disoriented ?"
    "Yeah."
    "Was he as gorgeous up close as through the window ?"
    "Yes. But creepy, too."
    "You're horny as hell, aren't you ?"
    "I'm so damn horny I could cry." She said it so seriously that Ariel 
almost choked on a mouthful of smoke. When she'd recovered her composure she 
said "Why don't you just masturbate like the rest of us ?"
    "I- it sounds crazy, but I need that human contact. My own hand just 
doesn't do it for me anymore."
    "You know that song," Ariel said, "When masturbation's lost its touch, 
you're fucking lonely. I've got a solution."
    Something stopped Lara from telling Ariel to stop as she got up. She came 
back with a vibrator in her hand and a smile on her face, ready to ask Lara 
to take her pants downs. But her roommate had already done that. She was 
lighting a cigarette and she spread her legs quietly. Ariel wasted no time. 
After it had started to work its uneven magic, she drew deeply on the 
cigarette and then said `Kiss me'.
    She didn't need to ask Ariel twice.
    
    Shade sat staring out the window of his quiet, never visited loft and 
smiled because he was thinking about the girl from the alley. He wasn't a big 
fan of getting so drunk that you passed out in an alley, especially when your 
problems were so everyday that they stood out on your face like it was a 
newspaper to be read and cast aside. 
    But he was still smiling. She was cute. He was thinking of how her face 
looked in the glow of her lighter. 
    He didn't care what was on her face. Those little things, they could be 
managed. For her benefit. 
    He walked down on sat on the end of his bed and thought about the glow of 
her face, about the way that she looked with that long cigarette between her 
lips and the way that she accepted it with no hesitation, no embarrassment. 
It was a reason to see her again. 
    Just one of many.
    

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