Turkish Delight, Part 2

This fictional account contains adult language and themes.  If such language
and themes offend you, please do not read further.  Copyright 1999 by
SSTORYMAN.  All rights reserved.  Permission is granted to reproduce this
story in any form and for any purpose as long as this notice is reproduced
and no financial remuneration is received, directly or indirectly, by the
person reproducing it.  Thanks to AZ-MAN and STOGIE-MAN for their support,
ideas and encouragement.

TURKISH DELIGHT

2.	Teenage Curiosity, At Work and At Play.

   Krissy Evans had been thinking a lot about smoking.  Her mom's failed
attempt to quit last year made a big impression on her.  She thought she'd
done the right thing by nagging her mom to quit, because smoking was bad for
her health.  The funny thing was, her mom didn't disagree.  But even so, she
wouldn't quit.  Her mom tried to justify it by explaining that she loved it
too much to stop.  That greatly puzzled Krissy.  Was the pleasure her mother
got from smoking cigarettes really all _that_ wonderful?

   She decided to do some investigation.  She started paying attention to her
mother's smoking.  She watched carefully each time Linda prepared to light
up.  She saw a big smile on her mom's face, a look of eager anticipation,
each time she shook a cigarette from her pack and put it in her mouth.  That
was particularly true if she hadn't smoked in awhile.  She saw how vigorously
Linda sucked on her cigarette after lighting up.  She often closed her eyes
while she took a long, drawn out initial drag.  Her cheeks hollowed, and she
unmistakably savored the moment's delight.  There was something about smoking
that really mesmerized her mom.  Krissy could see that.

   She also scrutinized her mom's satisfied reaction each time she sucked the
smoke inside her lungs.  A strange look of contentment always appeared on her
face.  Finally, she studied her mom's exhales.  Linda used a variety of
techniques to expel the smoke from her body.  Most often she exhaled in one
long, steady stream through pursed lips.  But not always.  Other times the
smoke came out almost unconsciously over several successive breaths, as she
stopped between exhales.  At times smoke came from her mouth and nose
simultaneously.  And sometimes she exhaled entirely through her nostrils.
But one thing was constant.  No matter how she chose to discharge the smoke,
her face always reflected a contented look of satisfaction.

   Based on these observations, Krissy knew there had to be more to this
supposedly nasty habit than she originally thought.  In fact, much more.  Her
mother got great enjoyment from smoking her cigarettes.  That gratification
was substantial enough to make it worth running some health risks.  But just
how substantial were the supposed risks?  Krissy wondered.

   Her mom wasn't sickly.  She was in great shape.  On the treadmill in the
basement Linda worked out vigorously four days a week.  Her physique looked
better than most women her age.  Oh, she occasionally suffered from a small,
lingering morning cough.  But that was about it.  As far as Krissy knew, her
mother's health wasn't adversely affected by smoking.  And there was no doubt
she enjoyed it!

   Added to that, Leah said she shouldn't believe all the terrible things her
teachers told her.  Hmm.  Very interesting.  Maybe the risks associated with
smoking were exaggerated.  There was _something_ to smoking.  There had to
be.  Based on the way her mom acted, there was something about smoking that
made it supremely worthwhile.

   Krissy's natural curiosity was slowly getting the better of her.  She knew
her mom loved to smoke cigarettes.  So she wanted to try it, too.  The more
she watched her mom smoke, the more tantalizing it looked.  But one thing
held her back.  She didn't want to damage their wonderful relationship.
Living alone together for so long, they were more like sisters than mother
and daughter.  She didn't want to try smoking if it'd upset her mom.  She
wasn't sure how her mother'd react if she told her she wanted to try smoking.

   After meeting Leah, her last fear almost completely evaporated.  Her mom
seemed totally unconcerned about Leah smoking.  Krissy was surprised,
fascinated and excited to learn that Leah was a smoker.  And she obviously
loved it, just like her mother did.  It sure didn't bother her mom that Leah
smoked.  Leah was just a little older than she was.  That pushed Krissy over
the edge.  As long as her mom wouldn't be mad, she definitely wanted to try
it!

   The bus dropped her off after school Wednesday afternoon, and Krissy was
beaming.  Her mom wouldn't be home till six.  There was plenty of time to
experiment with smoking.  Her hands trembled with anticipation as she put her
books on the kitchen table.

   She wouldn't tell her mom.  At least, not right away.  She seemed
supportive of Leah, but her reaction to her smoking might be different.
After all, she was three years younger than Leah.  She decided not to tell
her mom about her experiment.  But if she liked it, she'd tell Leah and get
her advice on how to break the news to her mom.

   Krissy knew where Linda kept her cigarettes.  After getting milk and
cookies, she opened the kitchen drawer containing her mom's carton of
Marlboro Lights 100's.  It was open; only three packs were gone.  Krissy
smiled.  She'd never miss one.  She took it and closed the drawer.

   She'd need a lighter, too.  In a separate drawer Linda kept a supply of
disposable lighters.  Krissy chose one and excitedly retreated to the family
room.

   Her mom didn't often empty her ashtrays.  The one in the family room still
had yesterday's cigarette butts in it, including those left by Leah.  Krissy
carefully examined how her mom crushed out her cigarettes.  She was confident
she could do it the same way.  Setting her milk and cookies on the table, she
turned her attention to the unopened pack of cigarettes.

   She deftly pulled at the cellophane wrapper.  It was something she'd seen
her mother do, like, a million times.  Discarding the wrapping, she tore the
corner of the silver paper off and looked at the white cigarette tips.  Each
one was now accessible to her touch.

   Again imitating Linda, Krissy tapped the pack on the back of her wrist.
She flipped it over and tapped the other direction, causing several
cigarettes to emerge.  "Oh, my God," she squealed with delight.  "These are
my cigarettes!  I'm gonna smoke one!"  She paused for a bite of cookie and a
sip of milk.  Wiping her mouth, she liberated a cigarette and grabbed the
lighter.

   "I'm gonna watch myself!"  She grabbed the lighter and carried the
cigarette and an ashtray into the front hall.  A large mirror hung there
adjacent to the closet.  Every morning her mom scrutinized herself in it
before leaving the house.  Now Krissy would watch herself in it, too, as she
began an exciting new adventure.

   She carefully put the cigarette in her mouth and looked at her reflection
in the mirror.  She gazed at her auburn hair, dark eyes, high cheekbones and
pretty face.  She paid particular attention to her bust line.  She was proud
of her large breasts.  They were bigger than most of her school friends.  She
sighed.  Her whole goddamn life, everyone always told her she was beautiful.
Yeah, maybe she was, but the cigarette dangling from her lips gave her a
completely different look.  Gone was the innocent, adolescent Krissy Evans.
In her place was a mature young woman with an unlit, all-white cigarette
proudly protruding from round, full lips.  She smiled, and bounced it up and
down.  It looked just like her mom!  Controlling it in her mouth wasn't hard.
She repeated the maneuver to make sure she could direct it.  No problem.

   She posed again and smiled.  Yeah, there was a definite look of
sophistication and grace in having a cigarette in her mouth.  She pretended
to take a puff.  God, she looked so damn grown up!  She looked mature, just
like her mom.  And like Leah, too.  Underneath she was the same Krissy.  But
the girl in the mirror was going to smoke a cigarette, and she wouldn't be
the same Krissy much longer.

   She put the ashtray on a nearby table and returned to the looking glass.
Readying her lighter, she watched the girl in the mirror click it and bring
up a flame.  The tip of her cigarette met the fire.  She sucked.  It was lit!
Warm, bitter smoke began to fill her mouth.

   Krissy expected the taste to be unpleasant.  She was wonderfully
surprised.  It wasn't bad.  It was odd, but not disagreeable.  Her entire
life she'd been around second-hand smoke.  That was probably why the first
time she had smoke in her mouth it didn't taste or feel bad.  She forced a
smile and blew the smoke from her mouth.  A sense of great accomplishment
swept over her.  She'd done it!  She was smoking a cigarette!

   She tried it a second time.  The taste was funny but inoffensive.  After
expelling smoke from her mouth again, she realized she wasn't really smoking.
Not yet.  At least, not like her mom did.  Linda always breathed the smoke
deep inside her body, into her lungs, and held it in there before blowing it
out.  She called it inhaling.  Krissy paused.  She didn't want to go too
fast.  But she had to try the inhaling thing.  She reached out and tapped
some ashes into the ashtray as she pondered the situation.  She decided she'd
practice a little more before trying to inhale.

   She took several puffs to get fully accustomed to the sensation.  Her nose
ran a little, and yet her mouth was dry.  She felt giddy, a little
lightheaded.  But she was tolerating it okay.  With the cigarette half-gone,
she decided it was time.  With her next puff she'd breathe a little smoke
into her lungs.  It was the part her mom liked best.  She felt a tingle of
illicit excitement as she prepared to do the deed.

   She raised the cigarette to her lips and grinned at the girl in the
mirror.  God!  Smoking made her look so mature and sophisticated!  She was a
woman, not a little girl, holding her cigarette.  The realization that it was
_her_ cigarette excited her even more.  She sealed her lips around the white
filter and began drawing.  With each puff, the sensations grew more
agreeable.  Now was the time!  She opened her mouth and forcefully breathed
in.

   It was defining moment, and the sensation was exhilarating!  She felt
thick, rich cigarette smoke traveling through her mouth into the back of her
throat, down her windpipe, and finally coming to rest deep inside her virgin
lungs.  She felt a little dizzy, but the overall feeling was stunning.  It
was wonderful!  There was no way to describe it.  Her lungs felt both full
and warm at the same time.  They tingled with pleasure.  She had a marvelous
head rush from the nicotine in her bloodstream.  She felt both arousal and
excitement.  She pursed her lips and breathed out.  For a brief moment,
nothing happened.  Then a stream of smoke virtually cascaded from her mouth
for what seemed like forever.  She giggled to herself.  _This_ was smoking!

   Surprisingly she felt no urge to cough, probably due to constant exposure
to smoke over the years.  Her lungs didn't revolt against it.  She felt
totally comfortable.  Having smoke inside her body felt strangely natural,
sort of like welcoming home an old friend.  It was not foreign or unpleasant.
She was glad it seemed so easy.

   She returned the cigarette to her inexperienced lips for another drag, and
sucked harder this time.  She wanted more.  The cigarette crackled at the
suction, turning its tip bright orange.  A large volume of smoke entered her
mouth this time.  Looking in the mirror, she removed the cigarette and opened
her mouth, like she'd seen her mother do a zillion times.  A ball of creamy
smoke hung in mid-air till she breathed it in, summoning the glorious
nicotine-containing substance inside, deep into her eagerly waiting lungs.
Again she felt that delectable warmth deep inside her chest.  Her body
tingled.  It felt so good!  She couldn't help but grin at the girl in the
mirror.  It was so cool having smoke deep inside her body!  With smiling
lips, she made an "O" and slowly directed the smoke up and out.  Her exhale
was thick and creamy.  It was damned impressive!  She tingled with joy at the
amazing sight.  As she did, bits of smoke escaped from her nostrils, too.

   "This is really cool," she exclaimed aloud as she tapped ashes into the
nearby ashtray.  Wisps of smoke mixed with her speech.  She loved how it
looked.  But suddenly she felt faint.  She knew it meant she'd smoked too
much, too fast.  She sat on the floor and took several deep breaths until her
queasiness subsided.  Then she got her ashtray and slowly returned to the
family room with her burning cigarette.  She sat on the couch and took a sip
of milk.  "Whew," she gasped.  "I guess I'm not used to it yet."  Determined
not to give up, she took a last long drag before crushing the cigarette in
the ashtray.  Because she was sitting down, this time she wasn't worried
about dizziness.  She sucked the smoke deep into her lungs.  She closed her
eyes and waited.  As the nicotine hit her system, the euphoria returned.  She
relaxed.  God, she liked how smoking felt!  No wonder her mom didn't want to
stop.  She opened her mouth and let loose a final plume of smoke into the
air.  She was impressed with herself.  She'd done it!

   She decided not to repeat her performance that day.  She finished her milk
and cookies and started her homework.  She secured her pack of Marlboro
Lights 100's and lighter and hid them in her bedside table drawer upstairs.
But the rest of the afternoon, the only thing she thought about was smoking.
She'd definitely try it again tomorrow!

   When Linda got home, she noticed nothing.  By six o'clock the ambient
smoke from Krissy's cigarette had completely dissipated.  Linda immediately
contributed some second hand smoke of her own.  Her new job was stressful,
and she compensated by smoking more.  She knew she shouldn't do that, but it
didn't matter.  She always coped with stress by increasing her nicotine
intake.  She had several cigarettes before dinner.  After supper she settled
down to watch TV and lit up every fifteen minutes or so.  Krissy seemed
particularly cuddly that evening.  She rested her head on her mom's shoulder
while they watched TV.  Linda was glad Krissy seemed to have stopped
complaining about second-hand smoke.  That was a relief!

   The truth was that Krissy now wanted to be close to Linda _because_ she
was smoking.  Leaning against her mom, the smell of her mother's smoke seemed
especially inviting.  Her whole attitude had changed since she'd tried
smoking herself.  The young girl closed her eyes and took a deep breath each
time Linda exhaled.  Krissy was able to capture little bits of the exhales as
they passed by her face.  The exhaled smoke smelled heavenly!  Krissy knew it
was because she was becoming a smoker herself.  She was more convinced than
ever.  Tomorrow afternoon she'd smoke again!

   The next day, after school, she did it again.  This time she smoked in the
family room, having an entire cigarette with her milk and cookies.  She took
longer drags this time, and inhaled the smoke deeper inside her youthful
lungs.  The euphoric feeling she felt the day before repeated itself.  She
was quite gratified.  She felt almost no dizziness or discomfort.  Smoking
seemed remarkably easy.  Her mother's history of smoking around her all the
time made her initiation seem almost second nature.  She smoked while she ate
her snack.  She'd seen her mom eat while smoking, but she never thought
someday she'd smoke and eat at the same time, too.  It was fun!  She was
beginning to understand her mother's undying devotion to smoking, and why she
let nothing get in the way of enjoying her habit.

   After her cigarette, Krissy began her homework.  She liked to get it done
well before her mom got home.  Today it was pre-algebra, and she struggled
with several difficult problems for the better part of an hour.

   By four thirty she was ready for a break.  At that point in the afternoon
she usually had a second little snack.  But today she decided to have another
cigarette instead.  To smoke again was what she really wanted at that moment.
It seemed luxuriously decadent.  This time the pretty seventh grader went to
the front hall to stand before the mirror again.

   As she prepared to light up, she positioned herself directly in front of
her reflection.  She stopped to look at herself holding the unlit cigarette
and lighter.  God, she looked great!  She posed in various positions, imaging
herself the subject of a magazine advertisement.  Then she put the Marlboro
Light 100 in her mouth, and modeled again.  The long, all-white cigarette
looked so elegant protruding from her girlish face.  She pulled her hair back
and held it on top of head with one hand, while holding the lighter in the
other.  She liked how the cigarette dangled.  She appeared sophisticated,
like a mature woman of the world, and not a kid.  She offered herself a
coquettish smile, clicked the lighter, and lit up.

   When Linda was working in the kitchen, she often left her cigarette
dangling from her lips.  Krissy wanted to try that.  After her first drag she
purposely let the freshly-lit cigarette remain between her lips.  It swayed
as she inhaled the smoke into her lungs.  When she exhaled, the stream
erupted simultaneously from her mouth and nostrils, mixing with the smoke
spiraling from the dangling cigarette.  A thick, smoky haze swiftly
surrounded her.  Following her initial exhale, she breathed normally.  Small
amounts of smoke entered her body with each successive breath.  It felt
great!  Leaving the cigarette there, she took another long drag and opened
the corner of her mouth to inhale.  The cigarette happily danced up and down
in her excited lips.  The smoke filled her ready lungs while her mouth and
nostrils kept receiving fresh smoke pouring from the dangling Marlboro.  God,
this was terrific!  Reflexively she sighed with pleasure.  From her nostrils
gushed twin rivers of thick, rich smoke, escaping from her insides.  It
looked so cool!  God, she loved to smoke like this!

   The rapturous process went on.  Krissy repeatedly puffed, inhaled and
exhaled with her cigarette jutting from her mouth.  Soon some ashes fell to
the floor.  Embarrassed, she reluctantly took the cigarette from her lips and
tapped it in the ashtray.  Rather than deal with the ashes, however, she
decided to sweep 'em up later.  She didn't want to interrupt her smoking.
Instead, she returned the cigarette to her lips for another extended drag.
By now her little head was spinning from nicotine overload.  But she didn't
care.  She wanted more!  The next inhale hit her chest and she moaned with
desire.  Now she really understood; she understood totally.  This was why her
mother loved smoking!  Now she wanted to smoke as much as possible, too.  She
began to formulate a plan to make that possible.

   After finishing the cigarette she swept up the ashes from the floor.  She
considered having one more before her mom got home.  She wanted another one,
but decided it wasn't smart.  Gazing from the kitchen into the front hall,
she saw sunlight reflecting off the smoky haze floating in the air.  She
couldn't risk her mom discovering she was smoking.  Not yet.  She had to be
sure she wouldn't be upset.  At some point perhaps she'd be brave enough to
tell her.  In the meantime she'd be careful about not smoking too close to
six o'clock, just to be safe.

   Pre-algebra held her attention the rest of the afternoon.  At six she
cautiously greeted her mom.  She waited for her to light up a cigarette
before giving her the usual hug.  She feared the smell of cigarette smoke on
her clothes and hair would be noticeable.  As soon as Linda lit up, though,
she bounced over and gave her a big embrace.  Krissy timed it perfectly.  As
they were hugging, her mom exhaled a stream of smoke.  The combination of
Linda's fresh cigarette and the smoke she was exhaling made it impossible for
her to notice a smoky aroma on her daughter.  Plus, Krissy loved being in the
path of her mother's exhale!

   After supper they talked at the table and Linda smoked again.  Krissy used
to be bothered by the smell of ambient smoke.  Now, however, she loved the
sweet fragrance.  She imagined how wonderful it'd be to join her and have a
cigarette with her mom someday.  She wanted to be a smoker, too.  She was
completely sure.  It was a foregone conclusion.  The only issue was how to
break the news.  She'd ask Leah how she did it.  She wondered if Leah was
smoking with her mom at that moment.  It had to be one of the things Leah
enjoyed most about smoking!

   After doing the dishes Krissy settled in to watch TV.  Linda stayed at the
kitchen table balancing her checkbook.  As usual, a cigarette burned in the
ashtray.  The ever-present smell of ascending smoke proved too distracting.
Krissy had a tough time concentrating.  She almost said something to her mom
about wanting to smoke, too.  But then the doorbell rang.

   Linda answered the door.  "Honey, it's Leah."  Krissy turned and saw the
slender sixteen year old waltz into the family room.  She wore a halter top
and shorts.  Her long, tan, skinny legs protruded from her cut offs.
Impulsively Krissy jumped up to give Leah a big hug.

   "God, I guess you're glad to see me," Leah grinned, brushing her long
blond hair away from her pretty face.  "How are you doing tonight?"

   "Fine," Krissy beamed.  "Why'd you come over?"

   "Well, I wasn't doing anything.  I thought you could read me more of The
Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.  Unless you have homework, that is.  I'd
like to know how the story turns out.  Are you busy with something?  Do you
want to read to me?"

   "Sure," Krissy eagerly agreed.  "I'd love to.  My homework's done.  Let me
get my book."  She rushed up the stairs, bounding two steps at a time.

   Linda smiled.  "It's awfully nice of you to come over, Leah.  You didn't
have to, you know.  I can't afford to put you on the clock tonight."

   "Oh, I know that," acknowledged Leah.  "I don't expect to get paid.  I
just like Krissy.  Besides, I was bored at home."  Suddenly she opened her
purse.  "So.  Do you mind if I have a cigarette?"  Before Linda could answer,
Leah had her lighter in hand.  The question sounded casual, but it was almost
too smooth.

   Linda laughed, motioning to the one in her own hand.  "Hell, of course I
don't mind," she replied.  "Go right ahead.  Like I said Tuesday night, I
don't like being the only one smoking around here anyway.  I'm sure your mom
feels that way," she added pointedly.  "Doesn't she?"

   Krissy heard the last part of that conversation from the stairs.  As she
rounded the corner she was greatly encouraged.  Her mom _liked_ having
company when she smoked!  From her vantage point on the landing she'd watched
Leah light up her cigarette.  The blond sixteen year old's cheeks prominently
caved in as she took a conspicuous first drag.  After Leah sucked the smoke
down into her greedy lungs, she smiled brightly at Krissy who was rounding
the corner.

   "Ahh," Leah sighed.  She turned her blond head and exhaled a cloud of
smoke.  Then she winked at Krissy.  "Hey, let's read," she went on.  "I need
to know what happened to those kids when they went back to the land of Narnia
through the wardrobe."  She nodded at Linda.

   Linda was well aware that Leah never answered her question.  She guessed
she didn't want to discuss her mother's reaction to her smoking because Kelli
didn't know anything about it.

   The two teenage girls settled in the family room.  Linda's curiosity was
building.  She had to test her thesis.  "Leah, are your folks home tonight?"
she asked offhandedly.

   "Uh, yeah," Leah answered hesitantly.  "My mom is, anyway.  I think my
dad's out somewhere."

   "Great.  While you're here, I'll run over and say hi to Kelli."  She
awaited a reaction.  "You don't mind, do you?"

   Leah grew visibly nervous.  "Oh, no, of course I don't mind," she
recovered quickly.  "Why should I?  I'm sure my mom would love to see you."

   "Yeah, I'd like to see her, too," Linda slyly replied, crushing her
cigarette in the ashtray and grabbing her purse.  "You go ahead and read.
I'll be back soon."

   Linda sauntered down the street.  She suspected Leah's unexpected visit
was caused by something more than enjoyment of Krissy's company.  The blond
girl seemed desperate to smoke.  The bullshit about being allowed to smoke at
home was just that - bullshit.  She saw Leah desperately attack that
cigarette; the girl was frantic.  If she smoked at home all the time, why
would she be so frenzied?  She'd get to the bottom of it tonight.

   She knocked on the Martin's screen door.  Momentarily, Kelli appeared.
"Hi, Linda," she greeted enthusiastically.  "What's up?"

   "Nothing, really.  Your daughter's at my house reading with Krissy.  I
thought I'd take the opportunity to pay you a visit.  That is, if you're not
busy with something else."

   "No, actually, I'm not busy at all," Kelli smiled.  "C'mon in."

   Linda walked through the house.  It was beautifully decorated.  Kelli had
a real touch for the elegant.  Linda noticed ashtrays in every room and a
large, cut-glass ashtray and matching table lighter on the coffee table in
the living room.  It didn't look like a home where the owners intended to
quit.  It was real smoker-friendly.  Linda seemed to remember Kelli saying
that her husband Sam smoked, too.  But whatever the reason, it was Linda's
kind of place, with ashtrays everywhere.  

   "Let's sit on the back deck," Kelli suggested.  She picked up her
cigarettes from the kitchen table.  "Unless you think it's too cool out?"

   "No, it's just right outside.  Let's sit on the deck," Linda agreed.

   Kelli poured them some iced tea.  Linda followed the tall, slender woman
out to her back porch.  For several minutes the two of them chatted about
nothing in particular.  Kelli didn't light up, and Linda waited for her
hostess to make the first move.  She noticed Kelli's cigarettes were Merit
Menthol Ultra Lights 100's.  It wasn't the same brand she'd been smoking last
Sunday.  She asked Kelli about that.

   "Oh, yeah," she admitted with an embarrassed grin.  "After Sunday
afternoon when I talked with you, I switched to the ultra lights.  I figured
if I can't quit, at least I should minimize the negative aspects.  I've
smoked Merit Menthols for years.  I decided to give ultra lights a try."

   "I see," Linda nodded.  "Tell me.  Do you like them?"

   Kelli picked up her pack and shook it.  "No," she laughed.  "To be honest,
I hate 'em.  They're like smoking air."  She pulled one out, put it her mouth
and lit up.  "But it's better smoking these than smoking nothing at all," she
added with a knowing grin.

   Linda lit up a Marlboro Light 100.  "I'm not sure that's true," she said
with a deliberate smile.  She took a nice long, initial hit, and sucked the
smoke in.  "With ultra lights, I bet you smoke more cigarettes per day.  I
also bet you take longer drags and inhale deeper."  She paused to expel a
stream of smoke.  "Am I right?"

   At first, Kelli hesitated.  "Um, I'm not sure," she mumbled.  Then she
shook her head and laughed.  "Okay, shit, you're right.  Who am I kidding?
Since switching to ultra lights, I probably smoke an extra five or six
cigarettes a day."

   "Of course," Linda nodded triumphantly.  "Your body needs a certain level
of nicotine.  Most people adjust their smoking style to get the nicotine they
need when they switch to a lower tar and nicotine brand.  But with the price
of cigarettes today, it's silly to smoke more to get the same nicotine.
Plus, look at you."  Kelli was in the midst of a long drag, one in which her
cheeks hollowed deeply.  "You're sucking as hard as you can on those damn
things!  It's none of my business, but Jesus!  My advice is go back to your
old brand and enjoy it.  You're not doing yourself a favor switching to ultra
lights.  You're just smoking more and smoking harder."

   Kelli furrowed her brow, holding the smoke inside her chest.  "My God,
Linda," she remarked.  "Maybe you're right."  She tipped her head and exhaled
a stream of smoke straight upward.  "I am smoking a lot more.  And I don't
like these near as much."  She paused and made a face.  "But what am I
supposed to do?  Just give up?  Admit to the world that I can't quit or cut
down, and just concede total defeat?"

   Linda drew on her own cigarette.  It was a long, measured, patient drag.
She removed it slowly and grinned as she inhaled the smoke.  "Yes.  Here's
why.  Remember that old adage?  Lord, give me the courage to change the
things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to
know the difference."  As she exhaled through her nostrils, she smiled and
kept talking.  "Well, that's what you should do.  Accept those things you
know you can't change.  Smoking is probably one of them."

   "God, you are blunt!"  Kelli shook her head.  "So, I should give up?  I
should just admit I'm hopelessly addicted, and be done with it?  Is that what
you think?"

   "Not necessarily.  But be realistic," Linda countered.  "Look, Kelli.
Some people can quit smoking.  Others just can't.  I speak from experience.
I _can't_ quit.  I've accepted that.  I'm okay with it.  Being a smoker is
who I am.  I decided to give in and enjoy it, because there's nothing else I
can do.  Being miserable about it doesn't help.  If you can't quit, then you
can't quit."  She took another drag and shrugged her shoulders.  "You gotta
be honest with yourself, Kelli.  And even if you can't quit, there's a lot to
enjoy when it comes to smoking."

   "What do you mean?" Kelli asked quizzically.

   "Do you ever look forward to lighting up?"

   "Sure, all the time," Kelli answered.  "But what …?"

   "Okay, then," Linda responded.  "We're getting somewhere.  Exactly _why_
do you look forward to lighting up a cigarette?"

   "Uh, because it relieves my nicotine cravings, I guess."

   "Oh, really?  God, that's a negative way to answer.  Cravings, my ass!
There's more to it than that.  So, does that mean you don't enjoy smoking?"

   "Oh, no," Kelli answered defensively.  "I mean, yeah, I do enjoy it.  I
guess.  Sure."

   "Of course you do.  I can tell, just by watching you smoke."  She paused
for another drag.  "Kelli, here's the deal.  You can look at it one of two
ways.  You can bitch and moan about how you can't quit, and be miserable.  Or
you can admit you enjoy smoking too much to quit, and then accentuate the
positive aspect of what you can't change anyway."  Smoke dribbled from her
mouth as she talked.  "Me?  Man, I fuckin' love to smoke!  I may as well
focus on that, because the truth is, I can't quit anyway.  If I could, I
might be better off.  But I can't.  So I adjust my expectations and simply
enjoy the positive side of smoking.  Like I said, I love to smoke.  That's
why I can't quit.  I bet you're pretty much the same."  

   "I don't know," Kelli said reluctantly.  "I feel I should try to quit.
But maybe you're right.  Perhaps I'm kidding myself.  I've tried a hundred
times to quit."  She smiled a defeated smile.  "I do still like to smoke.
Really, I love it.  God, you're right about that!"

   "Of course I am!  I'm not telling you to do anything except listen to your
heart.  What's _it_ telling you?  If you can quit smoking, then good for you.
Go do it.  But if you can't, then don't beat yourself up about it.  Be
realistic.  That's all."

   Kelli nodded.  "This is the first time anyone ever said I'd be better off
admitting defeat, and acknowledging that I'll just be a smoker the rest of my
life.  But God!  It makes sense.  Hey, I tell you what.  I'll seriously think
about it."  She took a long, thoughtful hit from her cigarette.  "I'll tell
you something else.  I always figured I ought to feel bad about being a
smoker.  You know?  That I should apologize for loving to smoke, and
constantly say 'mea culpa' because I can't quit."  She blew a bountiful
stream of smoke into the breeze.  "But Linda, I think you're saying maybe it
isn't my fault I can't quit, 'cause I can't help it.  If I accept that, I can
just enjoy being a smoker.  God, what a concept!  I do love to smoke.  It may
not be ideal, but it's the real world.  Isn't it?"

   "Yeah, it's the real world for me," Linda confirmed.  "You have to decide
if it's true for you, too.  But my theory is, if you're a smoker, you're a
smoker.  There's nothing you can do about it.  So quit fighting, sit back,
and enjoy it."  She took a last drag on her cigarette.  "At least that's what
I've decided to do.  It works for me!  Hey, let me change the subject.  You
said on Sunday you're worried about Leah starting to smoke.  What makes you
think that might happen?"

   Kelli frowned.  "I'm not sure she's interested, to tell the truth.  The
last few years she's complained about me smoking too much.  But one thing
scares me.  I found out her boyfriend smokes.  Leah's been seeing Richie for
several months.  That scares me.  I'm afraid she'll start smoking because he
does.  Or maybe she'll start because I'm a bad example."

   "Look, Kelli.  You can't have it both ways.  If Leah starts smoking, it's
either because her boyfriend smokes, or because you smoke and you're a bad
example.  I'm not sure I believe kids ever follow their parents' examples,
but let's assume for the sake of argument that might be true.  Even if you
quit smoking, her boyfriend still might get her to start."  She smiled.
"Given the crazy things teenagers do these days, if Leah starts smoking it
might be the least of your problems.  But here's what I'm saying.  Even if
she did start, it wouldn't necessarily be your fault.  You know?"

   "Yeah, I know," Kelli sighed.  "You're right.  I'd just hate to see her
start smoking.  That's all.  I don't want to be accused of encouraging it."

   "And why is that?"

   Kelli looked perplexed.  "What kind of question is that?  Smoking is a
terrible habit!"

   "I know," Linda replied patiently.  "But I thought you said you love to
smoke."

   "I do.  But, I mean ….  God, Linda.  I don't know what I mean.  You've
got me so confused!"

   "There's another possibility.  Maybe I've got you thinking clearly for a
change."  She smiled.  "Let's go back to the first thing we agreed on.  You
love to smoke.  Is that right?"

   "Yeah, sure, that's right," Kelli nodded.  "I do enjoy smoking."

   "But even though _you_ like it, you're telling me you don't want your
daughter to start, even though it's something you admit that you yourself
love?"

   "Of course.  Don't be stupid," Kelli said slowly.  She seemed more
confused.  "But that's only because it's bad for her.  I'd hope she'll choose
never to start smoking."

   "Okay," Linda nodded.  "I see.  So it's Leah's choice?  That means it's
okay with you if she chooses for herself and decides she wants to smoke.
Just like you did when you started?"

   Kelli hesitated.  "I'm not sure.  Actually, I don't think I _chose_ to
start smoking.  I mean, God, I was only sixteen.  I didn't realize how
difficult it'd be to quit once I started."

   "Oh, I see," Linda sneered.  "I guess you didn't know about the health
risks when you started.  Poor thing!  Is that what you're saying?  That you
didn't make a real choice?"

   "No," Kelli stuttered.  "I mean, I knew about the health stuff.  So, yeah,
I guess I did make a real choice.  I just made the wrong one, and I don't
want Leah to make the same mistake because she won't be able to quit if she
makes that choice."

   "I see.  So you need to help Leah with this decision.  But tell me.  When
your parents found out you were smoking, did you listen when they insisted
you should quit because you were too young to smoke or because it was bad for
you?"

   Kelli blushed.  "God, no," she admitted with an embarrassed grin.  "I told
my folks to go to hell."

   "Of course you did," Linda smiled.  "We all did.  And Leah will tell you
to go to hell, too.  You may as well save yourself the trouble of worrying
about her smoking.  Because she'll either do the right thing or she won't.
In either case she won't pay any attention to you!  She'll know what the
right thing for her is when the time comes."

   "But I can't let her even try it," Kelli interrupted.  "Because she'll get
caught up in the addiction."

   Linda smirked.  "Oh, now _I'm_ confused.  Let me get this straight," she
said sarcastically.  "Now you're saying that it's _not_ Leah's choice.
Right?  Because she can't choose correctly?  So you've got to choose for her?
Because you were so stupid when you were her age but you're so smart now?
You, the woman who just admitted she doesn't want to quit smoking?"

   "God, I don't know what I'm saying," Kelli admitted, her voice full of
frustration.  She nervously reached for another cigarette.  "What are you
trying to get me to say?"

   Linda watched her friend frantically light up another cigarette.  She
smiled smugly.  "Kelli, I just want you to see how inconsistent you're being
about your daughter.  You're making a ton of conflicting statements.  You
don't want Leah to smoke.  But _you_ love to smoke more than anything.  You
chose to become a smoker when you were her age, even though you wouldn't
listen to your parents.  But you don't think Leah can be trusted to make the
same choice you made.  You'll blame yourself if she chooses to smoke.  But
you admit you can't control her decisions.  Doesn't all that tell you
something, Kelli?  Hello?  Is anybody home?"

   Kelli slowly nodded.  She drew on her Merit Menthol and then grinned in
relief.  "I think you're trying to tell me I should stop worrying about
Leah," she sighed.  "Is that right?"

   Linda nodded.  "Bingo!  You've got it!"  She too reached for another
cigarette.

   "And you're also telling me I should trust her, and I suppose support her,
too, whatever choice she makes, because she won't listen to me anyway." While
Linda lit up, she went on.  "Finally, I think you're trying to convince me
that being a smoker isn't the worst thing.  You made me admit that you and I,
both of us, we love to smoke.  Therefore, I should understand if Leah reaches
the same decision.  And most importantly, not blame myself."

   "That's right," Linda agreed, forcing identical streams of smoke from her
nostrils.  "That's what I'm saying.  I suspect Leah is at least as smart as
you were at her age.  In fact, I suspect she's as smart as you are right now.
So you shouldn't worry about her.  But do you believe that?"

   "God, it's contrary to everything we hear in the media these days.  But,
yes.  I guess I do believe it."  She took another drag and sucked the smoke
deep inside.  Her expression changed.  "Damn it, Linda, you _are_ right!  I
can't blame myself for choices Leah might make.  She may make mistakes, but
only she can decide if they are mistakes.  If she ever decides to smoke,
either she'll eventually quit, in which case there's nothing to worry about,
or she'll be like me and decide she loves it too much to want to stop."  She
hit on her cigarette again.  "And maybe that's the best thing." She giggled
and exhaled.  "Linda, you're a genius!  I'm gonna stop worrying about Leah.
I'm also gonna stop apologizing to the rest of the world for being a smoker.
Like you, I might as well admit it, I guess.  I know I'll never quit.  I'll
always be a smoker."  She looked at the cigarette in her hand.  "And one last
thing.  I'm gonna buy myself a carton of Merit Menthol 100's, too, and ditch
these shitty ultra lights.  I don't like 'em."

   "Good girl," Linda applauded.  "Take the pressure off yourself, Kelli.
Relax.  Just be who you really are.  And let your daughter be whoever she
wants to be."  She looked at her friend.  "Even if Leah came home tonight
with a cigarette in her mouth, she'd be no worse than you.  I have to tell
you, you're not a bad person, Kelli Martin."

   "Thanks, Linda," she sighed sincerely.  "God, the person who'll be
happiest when I tell him about our discussion will be Sam, my husband.  He's
so fuckin' tired of hearing me say I'm gonna quit.  You see, he smokes, too.
He refuses to even think about quitting.  It's one reason I've never been
successful.  When I'm around him, I always want a cigarette, too.  In the old
days I didn't talk about quitting all the time.  And we were happier then.
Maybe I can recapture that by - what did you call it? - accentuating the
positive?"

   "That's what it is.  However long your life may be - and maybe, just
maybe, smoking will shorten it a little - if you can be happy while traveling
along your road, then you're a success."

   "God, you're a philosopher, too," Kelli laughed.  She shivered.  "The
evening air's turning cool.  We should go in."

   "Actually, I've gotta go," Linda acknowledged.  "Thanks for listening,
Kelli."

   "No, thank you," came the reply.  "Thanks for helping me think about this
stuff."

   "It's my pleasure," she shot back.  She knew, however, that the person
she'd just helped the most was Leah.  And that pleased Linda a lot.  Perhaps
it wouldn't be long before Leah came home with a cigarette in her pretty,
young mouth and join Kelli.  But she wasn't about to force that issue.  She'd
keep the whole business to herself and let mother and daughter work it out at
the right time.  "It was my pleasure," she repeated with a big smile.

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