The Elusive California Dream, Part 8

   The following story is fictional and is provided solely for the enjoyment
of its readers. While there are references to actual establishments such as
several major corporations, other smaller companies, restaurants and
locations, the characters within the story are entirely fictional. Any
resemblance to a real person either living or dead is completely coincidental.
This fictional account does contain adult language and themes. If such
language and themes offend you, please read no further. This story is
copyrighted by AZ-MAN, all rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce
it in any form and for any purpose as long as this notice is reproduced and no
financial remuneration is received, directly or indirectly, by the person
reproducing it.
   
   Also, the author would like to thank SSTORYMAN for all his help and words
of encouragement along the way. You're great, man.
   
   THE ELUSIVE CALIFORNIA DREAM - Part 8 of 9
   
   16. The Shocking Truth
   
   Jill stirred her morning coffee standing at the kitchen window that
overlooked the pool. It was a beautiful Saturday. Birds were chirping, the sun
was casting long shadows over the dew-covered grass, Jill's lovely garden was
in perfect bloom yet she felt dismal. She and John had still not spoken
anything of substance to each other for over a week. Neither had made an
attempt to swallow their pride and make up. Why the hell should I, Jill asked
herself. Who called who a stupid bitch? She clenched her teeth from simply
being reminded of the incident. Then the phone started to ring. Jill looked at
the clock on the microwave and noticed it was only 7:30 AM. One of Kyle's
friends, she guessed. She picked up the walkaround sitting on the desk and
answered. It was Judy Walker, their realtor. She had a very interested couple
that wanted to view the house later in the morning. They're VERY interested,
she emphasized. We'd like to come around 10. Fine, said Jill. Then she hung up
and wondered what John would do. The house was still for sale because they
hadn't really discussed the topic since their fight and John had been out of
town until two days ago. Jill sighed, thinking that when she went up to tell
him perspective buyers were coming, the old battle would resume. Shit. Why
does life have to be like this?
   John was still in bed asleep when Jill peeked in the master bedroom door.
Rather than disturb him she thought she'd go around and start cleaning the
upstairs in preparation for the visitors. She entered John's den. Stacks of
books and binders were littered everywhere. Both wastebaskets were overflowing
with paper and empty Diet Coke cans. His laptop computer was in the docking
station and the screen was displaying its usual 'flying windows' screensaver.
Oh, brother, she rolled her eyes. I guess I can start with this room.
   Jill didn't intend to put all of John's stuff away but wanted to tidy up
the desk a bit and get rid of the open binders and heaps of tech manuals. As
she was moving some of the clutter, her hand accidentally bumped the
computer's mouse that allowed the screen to instantly redisplay an email
program that had finished its auto-download hours ago. Normally, Jill didn't
ever touch John's computer but the screen showed her something of interest.
She noticed what she thought was her sister's email address as one of the new,
unopened messages. It said: FM: jetoliver@mindspring.com. Jill knew her sister
used Mindspring as her Internet provider and didn't really pay attention to
the name before the '@' symbol. Hmmm, why is she sending her mail to John's
address? Probably just a mistake. Jill double-clicked on the little envelope
symbol.
   After reading to the third sentence, Jill realized that this message was
from a woman but it certainly wasn't her sister. Her eyes got larger as she
skipped back to the beginning.
   
   Dear John:
   Just thought I'd let you know I made it back to Atlanta okay. First, I'd
like to say thank you so much for helping me when I had my little 'accident'.
You were a perfect gentleman. I'd never been so sick in my life. You were so
very nice and I was sooo embarrassed. I guess embarrassed is a good word to
describe my entire evening. I was so caught up in trying to please you (I
wanted so much for you to approve of me and love me) that I was willing to do
just about anything. I don't know...I'm still so confused by it all. I do know
I was probably wrong to come out and try to see you in the first place. I only
hope you can forgive me.
   John, I've got some real soul-searching to do, starting now. I think it is
best if we just let this whole thing go and not see each other again. No, I'm
not sure if that's best but at this point it feels right. God, I can't seem to
stop crying...
   We didn't really talk about your feelings that night but I think I feel
safe in guessing that you agree with me. You know, I thought I really loved
you...maybe I still do but I need to put this episode out of my mind for
awhile and see if time will change things.
   From now on, I am going to be honest (and realistic) with myself...no more
"delusions of grandeur"...whatever that means. And, if we do ever see each
other again, I will be totally honest with you too. I don't think I was
truthful to anyone when I started my journey to California last week. You're a
good man John and I'm sure you make Jill a happy woman. I wish you both good
things, you deserve them.
   Jenni
   PS - In case you're wondering, I quit smoking.......NOT!
   
   When Jill finished reading the note, she went back and read it again from
the top...five more times. It only seemed to intensify, not diminish, the
complete hurt and betrayal she was experiencing throughout her entire body. At
first, Jill rationalized, well, she doesn't come out and say that they 'did
it', does she? Ha. Who am I trying to kid? He probably fucked her brains out.
It almost didn't matter. The face value of the evidence before her was damning
enough. And what's with this smoking comment? She was tempted to run down the
hall and kick the living shit out of him, then she felt her strength start to
dwindle. Jill just closed her eyes, sank to her knees and began to sob quietly
under John's desk. Her last thought before she completely lost it was that she
had to call Judy. She didn't want anyone coming to the house today, especially
after she asked John who this Jenni was.
   After her little cry, Jill felt better. She was stronger than she'd
imagined. Their marriage was over, plain and simple. No one treats a wife like
this, she kept telling herself. First it was the dumb bitch comment and now it
was this cheating, this affair, this...this betrayal. No question about it,
they were through. It was just a matter of how she would tell him. Then she
got an idea. Oh, it was a cleaver idea too. Maybe a bit cruel but oh, so
cleaver. A demonic smile spread across her face.
   
   John was taking a shower. It was almost 10 AM and he was blissfully humming
a tune while Jill was downstairs with the Kyle. She had asked Kyle if she
could go over to one of her friend's house...that she and daddy needed to
talk. Jill hoped Kyle wouldn't understand the full meaning of the request but
figured she'd learn soon enough. Brittany was already gone, spending the night
with one of her friends.
   When Jill felt John was due to descend the stairs after getting dressed,
she opened the sliding door to the patio and stepped outside. She casually and
deliberately strolled over to the table, sat down in one of the cushioned
chairs under the big umbrella and lit a cigarette. She had bought her own pack
of Virginia Slims Menthol Lights after Margo (Jenni) had left but had not
smoked any yet. She thought that if she and John had ever made up, she would
use this pack to smoke for him. Jill laughed at the irony as she inhaled her
first puff. The mild sweet menthol taste reminded her that despite John, she
might want to keep smoking anyway. It tasted good to her this morning.
   Almost as if on cue, Jill noticed John down in the kitchen. She could see
his silhouette moving back and forth through the window. After a minute, she
thought she detected eye contact so she looked away and started a puff on her
cigarette. She was truly mad and had every intention of telling him to leave
the house - today.
   John came out carrying his mug of coffee and smiling great big. "Jill. Hi.
What's going on? You're smoking." He was utterly shocked and he stared at her
in disbelief. She was inhaling and everything.
   "Yep. I'm smoking," she said, sounding curt. Then she tipped her head and
exhaled like a pro.
   John immediately sensed something was out of whack but kept up his elated
appearance. He walked up behind her and started rubbing her shoulders and
watched her take another puff from behind. He thought, this is too good to be
true and felt his rod start to stiffen. "When did you start? Smoking, I
mean?"
   "Oh, I don't know." She thought for a moment before continuing. "Probably
around the same time Jenni did." She had no idea when Jenni started smoking,
she just knew that Jenni 'had quit --- NOT!' Oh, she was angry and ready for a
fight. If that's what he wants, I'm ready.
   John wasn't ready for a fight at all. Seeing Jill smoke was really his
ultimate wish - it meant more to him than his brief fling with Jenni. He
momentarily froze. Did she say Jenni? Maybe she's referring to one of her
friends. Maybe I'm hearing things. John stopped the rubbing and rested his
hands on Jill's shoulders. "When who started smoking?" he asked.
   Jill turned around in her chair to face him. She took a medium puff on her
VSML while maintaining eye contract, then inhaled. She was tempted to wink at
him as the smoke rested in her lungs but couldn't do it. After tipping her
head and blowing her smoke at him, she said, "You really like this, don't
you?"
   John couldn't believe what was happening. This is not how he imagined
Jill's first cigarette with him would turn out. Something was really bugging
her. It was beginning to sink in that the name 'Jenni' he heard a moment ago
was no accident. "Yeah, I guess. We've talked about it, Jill. Come on, what's
wrong?" His heart started to beat faster.
   "What's wrong?" She dropped her cigarette onto the brick patio and stepped
on it. "What's wrong?" she asked again. "Oh, nothing other than I have a
pretty good idea that you've been messing around on the side with a girl named
Jenni and she lives in Atlanta AND she smokes. Tell me John, did she smoke for
you? Did she attract you with her big tits or was it just her long
cigarette?"
   This was like a slow-motion dream for John. No. This was a nightmare. How
much does she know? How did she find out? Jenni must've called her while she
was in town. Or visited her! Oh God. He couldn't deny Jenni's existence now --
that was for sure. "Jill, calm down. This is not what it seems," he lied. "I
got to know her on a trip to Fort Lauderdale. We sent a few emails back and
forth and yes, I believe she smokes. It was no big deal." Jesus, I'm flying
blind here, he thought.
   "You bastard. Tell me the truth. It was more than just 'no big deal'. Don't
insult my intelligence. You have no idea what I know, do you? I want you to
tell me everything now or else it's over." She looked at him. "Do you hear me?
It's over!" She was ready to cry despite her tough exterior.
   "That IS the truth, Jill. Come on." He paused to think. "Okay, I saw her a
few times on some trips back to Florida. We went out dancing one night. I even
wrote her back and told her I couldn't see her again." He wasn't being
completely honest but felt he was at least telling her a subset of the truth.
   "Did you fuck her?" she asked abruptly and stared straight into his eyes.
   John was in a no-win situation. No matter how he decided to answer, he
figured he was toast. He took the Clinton approach. "No," then thought, it
depends on what your definition of 'fuck' is. There was no humor in it, even
though he could hear himself saying it in his best imitation of the President
himself.
   Jill didn't believe him...not for a second. There was almost something
inside her that hoped he was lying. She decided to test him by going out on a
limb. "You're lying! I know she was here. Here in California...to see you!
Now, you want to tell me the truth or continue with this little farce?" Jill
was playing high stakes poker and she was calling him.
   John had never, ever seen Jill act so direct. He was certain he could've
bluffed her but now he felt his only recourse was to tell her what she wanted
to hear - the truth. John folded. "Yes, I lied," he spoke. "Is that what you
wanted to hear?"
   Jill had what she wanted. Something told her to gloat, something like, I
win, I win, but she felt hollow and out of gas. There was no energy left in
her to continue this fight. She couldn't even muster the strength to yell at
him, to cuss him out. She just said very calmly, "Okay, I want you to
leave...to pack your bags and get out of this house...today. You couldn't even
tell me the truth until I forced you. For that, I want you out of here!"
   John lowered his head and whispered, "Fine," then turned and walked away.
   
   
   17. Last Stop, California
   
   The spectacular rolling green hills and pastures once again revealed
themselves to Jenni as she cruised south on Interstate 280 between San Mateo
and Woodside. She had missed this lovely scene and was enjoying it once again
as she moved down the freeway at 70 miles an hour. She hadn't been back to the
Bay Area since checking out of the Courtyard the morning after her dreadful
night with John. That's how she preferred to remember it - dreadful. She held
nothing against John. He had been terrific with her from the moment she was
able to extricate herself from the hotel room bathroom. How sick she had
been...how embarrassed she had been. How FOOLISH she had been! Now, after six
months, she was ready to return -- return to what she truly had fallen in love
with on her last trip - California. It was too bad that John had disappeared.
She had only wanted to thank him again and receive some closure on their
misbegotten affair. The email she had sent only two days after arriving back
in Atlanta had gone unanswered. Then, when she finally got enough nerve to
call Ilex last month, she was told that Mr. Patterson no longer worked there.
   Jenni was through with her stalking of John. It had really only lasted a
week and turned out awful. I got what I deserved, she later told herself after
twelve sessions in therapy. She had hoped to at least talk to John now that
she was feeling better about herself and her life. She wanted to believe that
things had worked out between he and Jill. However, after being told that he
had left his beloved company...well, that seemed ominous.
   Everything worked out with Delta. Jenni had secured a position on a San
Francisco-based flight crew and would resume flying next week. Her household
goods were in transit and she would initially be sharing a condominium in San
Bruno with another Delta flight attendant. Rent was sooo expensive in
California despite the variable housing allowance Delta provided her.
   She just wanted to see 'their' house once again. She was hoping there'd be
a presence of John and Jill. She even fantasized about seeing and talking to
both of them but knew it was probably out of the question. Nonetheless, Jenni
felt drawn to Jill. This was the biggest unresolved part in her life right
now. She absolutely could not forgive herself for the deception she played on
Jill. Something inside her said that she had to confess and make this part
right again even if she didn't see John. Tina had told her to forget it...let
sleeping dogs lay, or whatever it was she had said. No, I can't live with
that. Even after John and Jenni knew their relationship had hit its high AND
low point at the Courtyard that night, Jenni wanted to go back as if she could
erase the ugly parts of the trip. No, not erase, she said to herself,
atone...atone.
   Jenni found the Patterson home without a hitch. As she rounded a corner and
saw the large white and yellow two-story house, she resolved to only drive by
and look. However, two things caught her eye. First, she noticed there was no
'For Sale' sign in the yard. Second, Jill's big Suburban was sitting in the
middle of the driveway like it was when Jenni first visited. Interesting, she
observed, they haven't moved. Without giving it much thought, Jenni parked her
car across the street, opened the door and stepped out. She felt no guilt or
fear this time as she crossed the asphalt...just an overwhelming desire to
make contact with Jill and confess her sins. She suspected John was not home
anyway.
   The big front door to the house swung open as Jenni approached. She stopped
and noticed Jill step out onto the stoop and head down the walk. It was only a
matter of seconds before the two women noticed each other. At first Jill
didn't recognize Jenni until she said, "Hi, Jill, remember me?"
   Jill was headed out to the mailbox at the end of the driveway. She squinted
and offered a friendly smile. This woman standing only ten feet away did look
familiar but she couldn't place her. "Yes. I think." She studied Jenni's face.
"Oh, I know. You're the realtor that wanted to show the house soon after I'd
listed it...isn't that right?" Jill now remembered her. She also remembered
her ineptness as a fledging realtor AND the cigarettes they'd shared on the
patio.
   "Yes, I was the one."
   "Margo, right?" Jill brightened.
   "Uh, yeah, I guess so." Jenni looked down at the grass. "Actually Jill,
that's one reason I came by to see you. Do you have some time to talk? It's,
well...it's rather important."
   Jill was actually heading up to the stable where she kept her horses. She
was going to ride for about an hour, then head to a United Way meeting later
in the afternoon. However, something about 'Margo's' face told her she might
want to reconsider her plans. "Well, if it's important I guess I could spare
some time. How long do you need...half an hour? She couldn't imagine a
realtor, or ex-realtor or whatever Margo was these days would take much
longer.
   Jenni looked at Jill very seriously. "I don't know...we just need to
talk."
   Then Jill got an idea. "Say Margo, do you ride?
   "Ride? What, like bikes?"
   Jill laughed. "No. Horses. That's where I was headed just now. I don't
normally dress this way around the house you know." She looked down at her own
clothes as if to say 'see?' She was wearing her black knee-high boots and
riding pants. She also had on a white blouse that was tucked into the
tight-fitting pants.
   Jenni had ridden horses before but it had been at least 12 years ago when
she was a young teenager. "Oh. Do you own a horse?"
   "I have two. One's mine. The other is shared by my girls however, Brittany
never rides anymore. They need exercise. Come on, you can help out."
   "Oh, thanks Jill but I'm not dressed to ride. Besides, I haven't been on a
horse in years."
   "Come on. You can use Brittany's riding habit...it's about your size. You
say you want to talk, then you better come along with me. Deal?"
   Jenni was impressed with Jill's insistence. She's being so friendly towards
me. How am I ever going to explain all this? "Okay. Deal."
   
   Jill led Jenni inside the house then down a hall into a full bathroom so
she could change. Upon entering the foyer, Jenni thought she could detect a
slight trace of cigarette smoke. It wasn't fresh in the air, just mildly part
of the surroundings. She wondered if Jill had continued to smoke after their
last meeting. Has she started smoking for him? For John? That thought made her
cringe.
   After returning from upstairs, Jill held up some pants that were identical
to hers. "Yeah. This will do. You can put the outfit on and I'll meet you in
the garage when you're done."
   Jenni thanked her and started to change. As she was trying to figure out
how to get the shirt inside the pants, she tried to peer out the tiny bathroom
window. It was covered with some Plantation Shutters so she moved the little
runner to adjust the slats to gain some visibility. What she saw sent a tingle
up her spine. Jill was outside at the same table and chairs where they sat
over six months ago, smoking a cigarette! Oh God, she DOES smoke. Briefly,
Jenni felt a competitive urge rise from within herself. She had thought she
was over this stage in her life. But now seeing Jill smoke on the patio
confirmed to her that she would never be able to get the craving to smoke
completely out of her system. 
   It had been nearly a month since Jenni had smoked. She had quit not out of
concern for her health or peer pressure or anything like that. She quit
because it represented a part in her life she was eager to leave behind. It
was this desire for closure that had brought her to Jill today. It was all
part of a plan to make her feel good about herself again...to move into the
future without any of the old baggage or guilt. But now, here was Jill, John's
wife, smoking a cigarette like it was something she did every day. Shit, she
probably DOES do it every day, Jenni reasoned. And why not?
   The women took a leisurely drive up to the stables where Jill boarded her
horses. They passed miles of green pastures dotted with large oak trees
surrounded by white rail fences. Horses were standing in some of the pastures.
Others stood empty. Every now and then, Jenni would spot a jackrabbit or some
quail near the roadside. The drive was breathtaking. She was glad to know
country like this existed close to where she was going to be settling.
   As Jill negotiated the turns in the road, her large purse fell sideways in
the seat and her wallet and a pack of Virginia Slims Menthol Lights slid out.
She quickly righted the big bag and shoved the two items back inside. Jenni
looked down to see the cigarettes then looked at Jill. "Oh. Are you still
smoking? The time we last met, you told me that that was your first cigarette
since college." Jenni didn't want to make it sound like she was challenging
Jill so she added, "At least that's what I thought." Then she smiled.
   Jill laughed. "You remember well. Yeah, I was telling the truth that day.
Since then I decided I liked it enough to keep smoking every now and then. You
know, just a few a day...no big deal." Then Jill asked Jenni, "How about
you?"
   "Me?" Jenni acted surprised. "Well, I'm trying to quit. Uh, actually I quit
about a month ago. It's been hard."
   Jill reached into her purse, took out the pack and punched the car's
lighter. "Isn't THAT ironic?" She grinned just before placing a cigarette
between her lips. "Join me?"
   "No, really. Like I said, I'm trying to quit." Despite Jill being so nice
earlier, Jenni really thought she was rude smoking in front of her after she
clearly said she was trying to quit. Or she's testing me, she thought. She
watched Jill take a long second puff on her cigarette, then exhale smoothly
towards the windshield in front of her. Seeing Jill smoking beside her, and
smelling the sweet aroma of her exhales, was slowly driving Jenni crazy.
   Jill spoke, "You know, I did just lie to you," then she smiled fiendishly.
"Ever since my divorce, I've been smoking a pack a day. I went from five a day
to twenty a day in less than a week's time."
   Jenni just about had a heart attack. "Did you say DIVORCE?"
   Jill exhaled another long, tight stream of smoke towards the glass. "Well,
it's not final...just about though." Then she noticed Jenni staring at her in
an odd way.
   "Jill, I think I'd like one of your cigarettes if I may."
   Jill looked surprised. "My, my. Are you sure?" she asked in a wonton smile.
"But I thought you quit smoking."
   "I just need a cigarette now. May I have one or not?" Jenni spoke, with an
urgency in her voice.
   "Sure. Be my guest. Is something wrong?"
   They had just arrived at the stables. Jill parked the car near the barn as
Jenni lit her cigarette. After her initial puff, she spoke, "Can we just sit
here? You know, just for a moment so I can enjoy this?" She gestured at her
newly lit cigarette.
   "Yeah, I guess." Jill watched Jenni puff rapidly on her cigarette. "First
one in a long time, huh? Taste good?"
   Jenni didn't answer, but let the smoke from two consecutive puffs swirl in
her lungs. It felt marvelous to be smoking again. She exhaled very slowly
alternating between her nose and mouth letting the menthol smoke caress her
throat and sinuses. Then she took another long puff, inhaled deeply and
exhaled slowly before speaking. "Jill, as I said earlier, we need to talk.
First of all, I should tell you my name's not Margo."
   Jill looked directly at Jenni. "Oh? Well then what IS your name?"
   Jenni took a medium puff on her half-spent cigarette then dropped it out
the window of the parked vehicle. The two women sat in silence for several
seconds when all of a sudden tears started rapidly rolling down Jenni's
cheeks. As they ran from her face onto her blouse, she exhaled all her smoke
through her nose. Then she started to really cry.
   Jill didn't know what to do. At first she didn't have a clue why this woman
was crying. For a moment, she feared her pretty companion was upset about
having smoked again, and Jill felt slightly guilty for purposely teasing her
into having a cigarette. She reached out to hold her out of pure feminine
instinct. This only made it tougher for Jenni so she wept even harder. What is
GOING on? Jill asked herself. Then she released Jenni and watched her in the
seat across from her.
   "Jill," Jenni sobbed, "I'm sorry." The sobbing continued. "I'm so very
sorry." She was clearly losing control. "I never intended...for it...to...I
never wanted it...to end...like this...you guys weren't supposed...to..."
Jenni was crying harder still. Mucus from her nose was mixing with her tears
and her makeup was starting to run.
   A bewildered Jill reached into the glove box for some Kleenex then it hit
her like a ton of bricks. Oh my GOD! THIS IS JENNI! She said it again to
herself. THIS IS JENNI! This is the one in the email! Jenni continued to cry
and make feeble attempts at speech but it was mostly gibberish. Finally Jill
spoke, "Jenni! Jenni! Look at me. That is your name isn't it? Jenni?"
   Her crying lessened. She looked at Jill and nodded her head. Then she
looked down at her lap. She couldn't face Jill now, no matter how hard she
tried.
   The poor girl looked just awful. Jill reached out and brushed a few strands
of hair from her face. Jill herself was in a mild state of shock but somehow
there was no anger rising from inside her -- at least not yet. Her pity for
Jenni seemed to be the overriding emotion.
   Still looking down at her lap with her eyes closed, she spoke, "Yes. I'm
Jenni." There was just steady breathing for a moment then she continued,
"Jill, I'm so sorry. I was mixed up. I was confused. I didn't know if I was in
love with John or not. I did weird things...I did WRONG things." Then Jenni
opened her eyes and looked at Jill. "I lied to you...Jill. I'm so very
sorry."
   What could Jill do after listening to all this in such a short span? She
also felt like crying. Inside her emotions were running high but she remained
calm. She stroked Jenni's hair again and said, "Come on. Let's get out of the
truck. I know a place we can go after we saddle up."
   
   They had ridden their horses along an equestrian trail to the top of
Skyline Drive then across to a vista that provided a sweeping panorama of the
Pacific Ocean. The view was unbelievable. It was a clear day and they could
easily see the waves breaking on the beaches south of Half Moon Bay in the
distance. Beyond the shoreline was a fog bank sitting out at sea, creeping low
across the entire horizon. The scene reminded Jenni of a movie she had once
seen. "It's beautiful Jill."
   They had dismounted and tied their horses to a low branch on a eucalyptus
tree. Now they were sitting side by side staring west. "It is beautiful, isn't
it? I ride up here often when I need some time to think," Jill said rather
pensively. She still wasn't sure what emotions to be feeling right now.
   "I know. I've been doing a lot of thinking myself over the last six
months." Jenni wanted to ask what happened to John but would not allow
herself. She had no interest in following him, but nonetheless did not want to
give Jill the impression that she did. "Will you be staying in the house now
that you're, uh, on your own?"
   "Yeah. For a while anyway. Maybe until Brittany goes off to college next
year or something. I haven't figured it all out yet...Jenni." Jill was
speaking very flatly with hardly any inflection to her voice.
   "Well, that's good. At least you're keeping the house." Jenni continued,
"You know, when I was...." She looked over at Jill. Jill was silently
crying...tears were crossing her cheeks. "Oh no. Jill!" This time, Jenni
reached out to Jill and held her. The women embraced as Jill continued to
softly cry. She was much more controlled than Jenni and she allowed herself to
be held.

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